'Top 100 best and most hilarious Funny Jokes, enabling you to laugh/entertain alot so that you could gain good health and make people burst with smile! It is never too late to enjoy the life. The best day is today and best time is NOW to have fun with the most special person. So guys - Get, Set and Go to blast everyone with laughter and Cheers!
Besides Chocolate, you rule on top of the list:)
Topics:
Pranks revealed in year 2015-16-17-18-19-20-21-22, Month - November '22 | November '21 | June '21 | Apr '21 | May '20 | April '20 | March '20 | January '19 | November '18 | October '18 | April '18 | March '18 | Feb '18 | Jan '18 | Dec '17 | Nov '17 | September | August '17 | Feb '17 | May '16 | March '15 | July '15 | November '15
November 2022
Girlfriend status update - Feeling awesome Boyfriend comment: I told you pain will be there but feeling will wow...
The pain of body can be forgetted but the pain given by words can never be forgetted..
So Always remeber..
Clos the matter by beating them!
November 2021
Me: There is new movie trailor coming and the name is Constipation
She: When it is coming?
Me: Pushing, results are awaited :))) LOL
June 2021
Hey bro: Me and my girlfriend are getting married..
Him: Wow, Great, congrats.. When?
Me: Thanks, mine is on June 21 and her is on July 15th..
Apr 2021
Distance does not matter my girl...yeah, but fuel matter!
Wife: Come on, get up early , tea is ready. Hubby: Then get it ready, Am I sleeping inside the POT?
Son came home drunk and started working at Laptop. Father: Again you are drunk? Son: No, dad, I am working.. Father: Then why are you working on your briefcase?
May '20:
Me: Easy, just open your front camera! You will hear live..LOL
Boyfriend: If I kiss you, what will you think?
Girlfriend: I will think that a thief who could steal whole car, got satisfied with the Tyre only!
April '20:
March '20:
The lady who invented the term " All men are Same"
WAS Chinese...LOL
Husband: Why do you check Sugar jar before you sleep??
Wife: Because Doctor asked me check my sugar before I go to bed...
When my girl laugh, it just breath out happoness of my heart and eyes...
Once a teacher asked w kid: Tell the future tense of Rain is coming..
Kid answers: The light will go.....
January '19:
Biology teacher told that Cell means: nerves
Physics teacher taught: Cell means Battery
Economy teacher said that Cell means Sale
History teacher told that it means Prison
English teacher instructed that cell means Mobile.
Drop out the school thinking that all teacher don't thing alike but real knowledge given by WIFE who taught that Cell means sale at Malls..OL
November '18:
They asked me - What is MARRIAGE?
A very smart and in depth reply:
Marriage is like 2 wires of electricity
If both wires connected correctly - there is light otherwise BLAST...
October '18:
When I forget to close my Zip.. She laughed and said: Sir, your garage is open..
Me: Did you see my Harley?
Girl: Nope, I saw a mini bike with 2 flat tires.. weird..
To Impress Girls:
Please let me capture your picture so I can show to Santa what I wish for! :)
Were you a camera in previous birth? Because whenever I look at you, I smile ....
When my girl ordered me to kiss where it smells funny..
I flew her to New Jersey!
She called me 'Stupid'!
I do not want to blink because I am afraid to skip a second of your cuteness.. Just kidding..
Would you catch/hold/hug me if I fall for you.
Pain of women: They need to teel their age while vaccination.. LOL!
We men are so nice and clean at heart. You know, whenever you are in bikini, I only see cover parts...
Hug me if I am wrong but Earth is Square..
Men are important part of this world..
Girl: We have lot of others options too!
Boyfriend: Vibrator can't buy you a drink! LOL
I went to crazy people hospital and put 2 stones in my ears and Dr. surprised and asked:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING??
Me: I am listening to Rock music!!:))
To Fascinate a girl: Lister to her, Care for her, respect her, protect her, stand on her side, love her, give her time, be with her, make her feel how special she is..
To Enchant a Boy: Just give him a smile!
Girl: How are you
Me: I am fine..
Girl: How is the study going on?
Boy: See, you are my girlfriend, please do not ask questions like my relatives!
I told my gym trainer about my loss of memory..
and then he asked me to pay in advance..
My female friend is IT professional and when she died.. They say - She went OFFLINE..
You know when my friends say, they are feeling alone: I say I am there with you..
When they say: They need to laugh, I say - Just call me..
But they say: Need money, my number does not exist!
One of my mate's dad asked: Do you drink?
Me: Occasionally, but occasions come Regularly..
April '18:
March '18:
Why don't some couples go to Gym?
Simple, because some relationships don't work out..
A Gym Advertisement:
Tired of Being Fat & Ugly??
JUST BE UGLY..
@ Fitness ZONE!
Feb '18:
So valentine day is near and I thought I should go and talk to that beautiful girl..
NEXT DAY..
Hey congrats me - I have one more sister NOW... :((
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A Garbage Truck ... Hahahah
Jan '18:
Advocate to lady: You were saying that your husband left you after 1 year of marriage.. but you have 3 kid.. How come?
Lady: Yes, he left me but in between he keeps on coming back for forgiveness.
Mother in law: how this glasses have been broken?
Daughter in law: Actually I had fight with husband last night..
Mother in law: OK< then how this bed has been broken? She: Actually, we had patched up.. Dec '17:
If a girl says she hates doing shopping....marry her...!!
I love my 6 pack so much that I hide it with a layer of fat..LOL
While playing a game, i asked an house wife what her favorite card is?
She shouted: Credit Card...
Nov '17:
Hey, why are you itching your hear while having helmet on your head? asked a fellow friend while driving wit his friend? Better remove the helmet and then itch your head.
Man: Stupid, when you get itching in your private parts, do you remove your pant? LOL
Sept '17:
Husband was going to market and wife asks..listen
Please bring something from market which makes me beautiful.
Husband comes back with a bottle of whisky/wine..
Aug '17:
Two men were traveling together, one was Chinese so they saw a mosquito and Chinese grabbed in the fist and eaten.
Again another man saw the mosquito and he grabbed and asked Chinese : will you buy?
Boy: you live in my thoughts, dreams and feelings..
Girl: Bro, someone has made you fool, I live in California.. lol
Wife: Go and hunt a lion so that I can use his skin to decorate my room.
Husband: This is very very tough job, please give me a easy task.
Wife: Give me you mobile and let me read all you chats..
Husband: I think, first task is easy.. :(
May '16:
Admit it, we always say our true feelings with help 'Just Joking'..lol
You know you get perks of working with keyboard factory.. you deserve some extra shiftss...
May '16:
While having food in this summer where temperature is touching 45 degree...
We must say thanks to 3 people..
1st. God 2nd. Farmer 3rd. The person who is making it ready in so high temperature.
Once a kid missing. Their parents and relative put status with photo on social media.
Than next day, he found and came back to home.
Still after 2 years, whenever that kid go out side, people catch him and take him home. Lol
A message in group - Please do not leave the group to go outside s temperature is so high..lol
November '15:
A friend was arguing with me that onion is the only food which gets your tear out.
So I throw a coconut on his face to prove him wrong!
Wife in a mood: I want you to whisper something dirty on me.
Hubby: Your dishes!
What kind of bees make milk?
Boo Bees:)
July:
If girl is with you - Restaurant Bill
If girl is far from you - Mobile bill
If girl is separated from you - Than Bar Bill.
Moral - No Girl - No Bills!
Teacher: What small bee gives you?
Kid: Honey!
Teacher: What small goat gives you?
Kid: Milk!
And what buffalo gives you?
Kid: Home work!
A girl gives a kiss to a baby but left her lipstick spot.
Girl: Oops I am sorry..
Kid: It is ok.. if there are strain while doing something.. strains are good!
March:
Me: Do you have a book for men with small his thing?
Librarian: I don't know if it's in yet.
Me: Yeah that's the one.
Where does a dog search for when it loses his tail?
A retail store.
Curves on women are nice, but curves on final exams are even better.
What are the only kind of trees that grow fingers?
Ummm, Palm trees.
Don't "k" me, you bast....
Rare:
The most annoying moment when you put your status single and your ex likes it!
The past of Eat is ate and the future of ate is weight and the most funny part is that people realize it so too late!
----
Husband on wife's grave.. with a table fan.. crying...
Someone comes and asks - did you love her alot?
Man: Which love? she took a promise that you will re-marry when my graves goes dry - I don't know who stupid put lot of water daily here?
----
Telling lie is Sin for kids, must for bachelors, art for lovers, and the way of living calmly for married couples!
----
Where were you last night? mother shouted!
I was in disc/club, son replied.
Oh my god! I hope you didn't see anything which you should not see.
Son: I seen the thing that I should not see there!
What did you seen>
Dad - he softly uttered...
-----
Early to bed, and early to rise proves that..
..
..
..
...
The person has no internet connection!!!:)
----
Lay to advocate: I want to marry my ex husband again!
Advocate: Why, last month you hot the divorce..
Lady: After divorce, he is very happy and I can not tolerate this at all...
----
Couple got fight!
Wife in anger goes to market, buys poison, eats and after sometime..
She did not die..
Husband: Lot of time, I told you, take care while buying things, money is wasted and work is still incomplete!!
----
Man can be happy in 2 situations: 1st - if unmarried; 2nd - if wife has gone to her mother's home.
Smartness:
Man: If we deposite cheque today, how much wil it take to clear it?
Manager: 3 days
Man: But the other bank is just opposite of your bank, them why so long?
Manager: Sir, we need to follow the procedure. For example, if you die outside of crimination center, you will not directly taken there, you need to be taken to the home first then...
Man: Surprised....
------
Duffer, why do you keep on talking with girls all the time..
Boy: I am very poor, even do not have whatsapp in my cell.
-----
Friend: You have sweet shop, don't you feel like eating?
Him: Yes, I love them, but dad put all sweet counted, so I taste them and put them back..!!
-----
Do you know about 7 important most important Men in a Woman's life? No, then here we go:
One. Mr. Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
Two. Mr. Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
Three. That Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
Four. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
Five. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
Six. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
Sever. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
An Economist beautifully explained two reasons for having two wives:
A - Monopoly should be broken
B- Competition improves the quality of service..
If you have one wife she fights with you, if you have two wives they will fight for you
Feel the difference and decide:
Disclaimer: We are not having such experience and not responsible for any side effects!
------
Adam[man] and Eve[woman] were the first human beings in the world
one fine day eve asked Adam' do you love me'
Adam said 'do i have another choice'
------
Male in the club Orders a Beer..
Female next To Him-
What A Co-incidence, Even I Have Ordered the same..
Man-I'm so Happy.
Female-Me too.
Man-Wat A Coincidence.
Lady-My Husband & I Have Tried 4Yrs For A Baby..
Today I'm Pregnant.
Man-Wat A Co-Incidence.
I Am A Farmer
From 4Yrs My Hens Were Infertile,
Today All Laying Eggs
Lady-Wow How Did That Happen?
Man- I Used A Different Cock.
Lady SMILED, & Said
WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!
------
Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work!
Submitted by Alysia Csengery
------
They asked me Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?
Well, they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
------
To avoid getting entangles with child-labor laws, I have decided to appoint a child as a CEO.
Special ego massage, please!
You are right.. Minimalism did not make any sense to me until I began to bald!
------
The kidnapers of your son sir! He says you've grossly undervalued your company to fix the random amount!
------
Ask.. whatever you want, but don't ask me to walk my talk.
------
Dad – Dear, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son – no way..
Dad - She is the daughter of world's richest man.
Son – then its done.
Then his dad goes to that richest man..
Dad - I want your daughter to marry my son.
Rich man – nope
Dad: He is the COO of world bank.
Rich man – then its done.
Then Dad again goes to president of bank.
He asked – appoint my son the COO of the world bank.
Him – Never
Dad: – He is the son in law of World's richest man.
Him – then its fine.
THIS IS Smartness...!!
------
The only thing our students want to hear from you, sir, is how to engineer jobs in the current market!
*****
Boss:
Bosses are like clouds..
When they disappear.. Ambiance gets brighter and relaxed..
The virus means business. It wants us to send online secure payment to leave our system.
I chose a wrong mentor - what about you?
The golden rule of work is that the bosses pranks are ALWAYS funny.
Interpretation: It is true when your boss shares something witty, you must laugh otherwise he might feel insulted and your promotion can be stopped. So whether they are funny or not, everyone laughs at them.
Employee : Boss, you called me?
Boss : Yes, go to home and make love with your wife.
Employee : (After an hour) ,done sir
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : Done again, sir.
Boss : Do it once more
Employee : Now I don't have
stamina for it, sir.
Boss : Very good,here are my car
keys, drop my daughter at home.
Explanation: What a smart and proactive boss. He is so doubtful about his employee or daughter that he makes his worker to tried before sending his daughter with him. But anyhow it was a funny experience. Isn't it?
A pregnant lady asked her Sir if she could have the day off because she wasn't feeling fine. He tells her the only way she is leaving work is if she starts her contractions. So she yells "shouldn't, couldn't, Can't, didn't, won't, wouldn't!"
Driver:
Are you afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.
Interpretation: How witty! This joke tells that we all need company to something daring. They are not suggesting how to avoid suicide but giving you idea to be bus driver because there are hundreds more people who can go heaven/hell to accompany you.
Relationship:
Interpretation: This joke shows How complicated some relationships are! It doesn't matter how much efforts you put in to improve, there are always some reasons to have some fights. It is just like a fat girl who never takes pain to lose weight.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped the girl?
Wiped his back because she kicks really hard!
One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"
Husband-Wife:
Wife: I came to know that you have appointed a new female office assistance.
Husband: Yes,
Wife: Is she beautiful?
Husband: A bit
Wife: What about dress?
Husband: She wears it very quickly!
One man went to Dr. for check.
Dr. advised: You need perfect and complete rest. You should have peace of soul. This are some medicine for your wife.
Give her and have some peace of mind.
Wife while beating her husband - Neighbour interrupts
Why are you biting this innocent man?
Wife: Please, he is not innocent. I called him and the other girl replied - The person you are calling is busy on another.."
On Bachelor door name plate - Home Sweet Home
And Married person door nameplate - Oh God - I Pray for Silence.
Girl: It is very tough to have love affair with a person who works in bank.
Man: Why?
Girl: I sent him love letter, he send me back remarks -- "signature different"
-----
Once a sad lady was walking along the beach thinking of the worst state of her life cycle. Her husband asked her for divorce. As she was walking, she tripped over something in the sand. The woman picked the object up revealing a lamp.
The woman rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared before her. "I will grant you three wishes," the genie said "but whatever you wish for your husband will get double."
The woman thought and thought, then made her first wish "I wish for 10 million dollars." POOF! The wished for ten million appears at the woman feet, some distance away 20 million dollars appears at her husbands feet.
The woman thinks again and makes her second wish, "I wish for a pile of diamonds three feet high!" POOF! A pile of diamonds appears at the woman feet, a pile of diamonds six feet high appears at her husband’s feet.
The woman thinks and thinks, ponders and ponders; finally she says to the genie "Now, whatever I wish for my husband gets double?" The genie replies, "That is correct."
She makes her third wish, "I wish for you to scare me half to death!"
----
Wife after drinking Beer asked: Who are you?
Husband: "Are you mad! You don't recognize your husband?
Wife: Addiction makes you forget every sorrow - My dear brother!!
-----
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
Interpretation: How situations or attitudes change after just marriage. Love converts into revenge, closeness converts into ignorance and so on. It is human mentality and we have to accept it while readers enjoy it.
Whenever they ask me why females don't gamble as much as males do?
I just give them a uncommon smart reply: Their total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.
Doctor: Please lie down, I need to check you.
Female: Okay but call the nurse too.
Doctor: Why, you don't have trust in me?
Female: I do, but my husband, who is outside, doesn't have trust in me...
Thing to laugh on: How century changes! Gone those day when husbands used to have blind faith their wives. Now they don't even trust them for a single second and all credit goes to those cheaters females who have made all wives the victim of doubt.
Husband: I am feeling so happy while seeing your friend.
Wife: Yeah, I can see your happiness through your jeans.
Interpretation: Yeah, you must be feeling so funny! But it is true that men are like dogs. Girls always know their weak point and males get excited when they notice beautiful girls. Although your wife can see your intentions through your changed behavior, so be cautious!
---
Once a man questioned his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me any fortune?"
"Dear hubby, I'd have married you... NO Matter who left you a fortune!" She replied softly.
---
Every girl need 4 pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all!
---
One day, little Sam was at the park playing when he saw his dad and aunt walk behind the bushes.
He followed them quietly.
What he saw surprised him a lot. Sam ran home and told his Mother... Guess what I saw today!
"How should I know" Mom replied.
"You know, dad at aunty went into the bushes and aunty took off dad's jacket and then..."
"Stop, it is better you to wait until you daddy gets back to home and we have dinner to finish your story?" mom said.
"Fine" said Sam.
And when they were all having dinner, Sam started..
"and then Dad did to Aunt what Uncle did to Mom while Dad was out...."
---
Husband comes home from a tough time of work and finds his wife laying in front of the fire place with her legs wide open.
He asked, "Dear, what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."
---
"What a pleasant surprise.. You came home early" Wife speaks so gladly.
I was forced to do it. I have to obey what my boss told me to do. He ordered: "GO TO HELL"
---
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.
---
A girl worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A boy never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Waiter:
Interpretation: Some people are really too humorous that they can not stop themselves from making fun without the fear of losing their jobs. That what waiter is doing in above situation. After getting that reply that customer may laugh but chances of getting anger are high. Haha
Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
Interpretation: How playful! That man must be drunk! What a suspense! Yeah, no wife loves that hubby in that way especially you reach home Late! So better to wash your face and see her face carefully.
It's funny when a girl has the nerve to complain that there are no more good men left.
We are all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I am really crazy for good figure but my heart is in love with food.
How do you know if you are mentally ill?
One in 4 people are. Check 3 friends; if they are OK, you're it!
Jacky: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Selina: Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!
Explanation: Above joke's storyline is misunderstanding. You never know the interest of a girl. Like you, she may also be seeking for some cute girls. That is happens with Jacky when he tries to impress Selina in bar! So next time, take care of this thing before you go ahead.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Interpretation: You must be lucky if you're out for business trips. Real fun is always outside with some crazy ways which, of-course, are hated by your family specially wife. Got it! So send lots of love to your family from out of the town and spend great time with their love and without their interference.
No one cares unless you're pretty or dying.
Interpretation: So hilarious! When a girl is so beautiful and you find her in trouble, how bad you feel and do all the effort to help her. What if an ugly man is in trouble? You ignore. So being pretty is really a good feature and God gift!
It's funny how making odd noises can get you into strange situations sometimes.
Shopkeeper: Stop! you can't smoke here.
Me: But I bought the it from your shop.
Shopkeeper: We also sell condoms but that doesn't mean.. but you don't use them here!
Interpretation: What a witty reply when a customer buys something from their shop and insists of using it on his place. I am sure the user has nothing to say after listening that. But we readers can laugh on this joke and gonna share it with friends. Lol!
Marriage:
Interpretation: Marriage is a mandatory thing but it's a big big trap. After this, You can not go anywhere, you can enjoy with your friends, you cannot do anything alone. You have to take trouble with you everywhere. So what if it is a good institution, I am too young to join it. Run.... Haha
Global warming was the reason the name Ivy Blue came into being...just think about it!
Saying you have a headache to get out of things because your to lazy to go.
Please understand that I didn’t do it! Unless I was supposed to do it. Then of course I did it.
Sometimes I feel like I am emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit for a very long time!
Q: What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
A: You can unscrew the light bulb.
When butterflies fall in love do they feel humans in their stomach?
Lady to Radio Jockey: It would be a great help if you call to my husband who left me and took all our three kids with him.
Radio Jockey: Yes, for sure... Its on. You please speak your message.
Lady: Honey, kindly return back two kids because only one of them is yours!!!
The old people used to tell me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, 'Ha ha, You’re next!' So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!
After long argument I say 'It's ok' to shut your ugly mouth.
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
Friend: You go to concerts on school nights? Me: No, it's more like I go to school on concert nights.
Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.
Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
You grow on people, but so does cancer.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to them.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
Basic research is what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.
If my joke offends you: 1) I'm sorry. 2) It won't happen again. 3) 1 & 2 are lies. 4) You're a Bit.
Alcoholic? No, I prefer the term Drinking Enthusiast.
What’s so real about reality TV shows?
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don't trust women!
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
I like sleeping. It’s like death without the commitment.
Kids and Teenagers
Those 3 magical words which makes every girl happy - I am Sorry!!
Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?
Me: It committed suicide, had too many problems.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own pranks!
What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt!
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Kid: No, he did it all by himself.
Lecturer: Why are you looking at those monkeys outside when I am in the class?
Dear future kids of mine , If I find weed in your room , I will take that shit , and I will smoke it.
I hate it when they’re talking and gum falls out of their mouth.
Once, a father of a teenage daughter was concerned because his daughter spend too much time on phone; and nobody else in house could use the that line. So, he got a solution, he had a new telephone line installed for her.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone.Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
Funniest:
PATIENT:Doctor I Keep thinking i am the moon!
DOCTOR:I cant see you now, come tonight..
submitted by jeffrey
Some years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please, don't let Kevin Bacon die!
I’m in a love triangle with me, myself and I.
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: Because his wife died.
That awkward moment when someone knows you, but you don’t know them.
Once a woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?" she said.
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".
Satire
You buy a wonderful costly phone and imagine.. girls will be impressed and you what you get is get lost!
You study hard whole young life and uneducated ministers earn millions..Who is more smart?
Spending whole life loving a single girl.. Day night think of her and she marries a engineer who looks like a black dog.. You get LOL!
One Liners:
Evening news is when they start off with Good Evening and then proceed to telling you why it isn't.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!
How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.
Energizer bunny arrested-charged with battery.
What did 0 say to number 8?
Nice belt.
Waiter, waiter! There's a slug in my salad.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know you were a vegetarian.
Take the mast off when you speak to me.
Whats a snail?
A slug with a crash helmet.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
A man walked into a bar.
Ouch.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
What would the lamp say to the man?
Nothing. A lamp is an inanimate object.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
Overweight:
A lady woman was surprisingly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
Doctor: I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip one day, and repeat this instruction for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.
After 2 weeks, when lady returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 15 pounds.
Doctor: Wow, that’s brilliant! Did you follow my plan?
Lady nodded. I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
Doctor: From hunger, you mean?
Lady: Nope... from skipping!
Ghost:
Blonde:
Why did the blonde visit the post office 50 times in one day?
Her computer kept saying she has mail.
Save a horse... Ride a cowboy!
- Jay Leno
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champion.
A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"
Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to Disney World?
She saw a sign saying: "Disney World Left" so she went home.
Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
Because they can't remember the recipe.
Animals:
What to give a sick pig?
Oinkment
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".
On which day do lions eat people?
Chewsday!
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Once a turtle was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks
2 tigers went into a pub and after ordering two beers, took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub owner. So the 2 tigers swapped their sandwiches.
What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.
What do you call a camel without any humps?
Humphrey!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.
A pig's favorite ballet?
Swine Lake
Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don't work.
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Thief
Once a thief enter in a home and finds a note on locker - "Please don't break the lock, Just push the button and it will open easily.
So he does the same But after doing that - Police arrives!
Thief Shouts: There is no value of Honesty!
Once a husband said his credit card was stolen but he made his mind to not to go for F.I.R. because that thief was spending less than his spouse used to!
How do you keep people from stealing your bagels?
Put lox on them.
Ladies
2 ladies were fighting for a seat in metro on man suggested: Whoever is older should take the seat.
than..... both seat remained free. :)
The average fight between men lasts 5 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 11 years.
I am looking for a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.
Crazy:
Height of positiveness: As a buy comes out from his home, a bird flies by and shits on his head. Guess how this guy reacts? "Oh, my goodness, Thanks God! ELEPHANTS DON'T FLY!"
Den: My souse went for horse-riding to lose weight. Lost 6kg!!
Jay: Hard work pays!
Den: No! She didn't but that horse lost the weight!
Man: Hey little kid! Why are you running? Do you know who am I?
Crazy Kid: Lol, When you even don't know who you are, how can I?
On Wives:
There are 3 forms of a girl:
No. 1: The one who loves you with eyes closed - known as Girlfriend
No. 2: The one who loves you til her eyes closed - known as Mother
No. 3: The one who loves you with her big eyes staring at you - know as Wife.:))
Husband buys a mouth fresher for wife.
Wife: Why you don't buy for you.
Husband: I remain silent anyways.
teacher: Name two animals that live in a cold region?
student: A polar bear and his wife
Wife is like a god's prasad (fruit), you have to eat it without making any complaint.
Wife: I heard that men get angels in heave and what women get?
Man: God only listens to those who are needy!
Lady: People say that in heaven Man and woman can not live together!
Male: Yes, that is why it is known as heave!
why does traffic stop when old people smile,
because their teeth are so yellow.
For voting you age should be 18 but for marriage you must be 21, why?
Wise man replies: Because government knows that taking care of the wife is bigger task than taking care of nation.
Whatsapp:
Boy sends message: I Love You
Got an alert: Not delivered
Me sitting with him suggested: Oh my friend, this is God giving you a chance. Save yourself...LOL
A best friend status: Waiting for perfect man.
Me replied: Nobody is perfect.. Lets make each other perfect.
People says true love never dies but....
Now in latest fashion - it just ends with one single command - 'BLOCK'
Besides Chocolate, you rule on top of the list:)
Topics:
Pranks revealed in year 2015-16-17-18-19-20-21-22, Month - November '22 | November '21 | June '21 | Apr '21 | May '20 | April '20 | March '20 | January '19 | November '18 | October '18 | April '18 | March '18 | Feb '18 | Jan '18 | Dec '17 | Nov '17 | September | August '17 | Feb '17 | May '16 | March '15 | July '15 | November '15
November 2022
Girlfriend status update - Feeling awesome Boyfriend comment: I told you pain will be there but feeling will wow...
The pain of body can be forgetted but the pain given by words can never be forgetted..
So Always remeber..
Clos the matter by beating them!
November 2021
Me: There is new movie trailor coming and the name is Constipation
She: When it is coming?
Me: Pushing, results are awaited :))) LOL
June 2021
Hey bro: Me and my girlfriend are getting married..
Him: Wow, Great, congrats.. When?
Me: Thanks, mine is on June 21 and her is on July 15th..
Apr 2021
Distance does not matter my girl...yeah, but fuel matter!
Wife: Come on, get up early , tea is ready. Hubby: Then get it ready, Am I sleeping inside the POT?
Son came home drunk and started working at Laptop. Father: Again you are drunk? Son: No, dad, I am working.. Father: Then why are you working on your briefcase?
May '20:
Me: Easy, just open your front camera! You will hear live..LOL
Boyfriend: If I kiss you, what will you think?
Girlfriend: I will think that a thief who could steal whole car, got satisfied with the Tyre only!
April '20:
March '20:
WAS Chinese...LOL
Husband: Why do you check Sugar jar before you sleep??
Wife: Because Doctor asked me check my sugar before I go to bed...
When my girl laugh, it just breath out happoness of my heart and eyes...
Once a teacher asked w kid: Tell the future tense of Rain is coming..
Kid answers: The light will go.....
January '19:
Biology teacher told that Cell means: nerves
Physics teacher taught: Cell means Battery
Economy teacher said that Cell means Sale
History teacher told that it means Prison
English teacher instructed that cell means Mobile.
Drop out the school thinking that all teacher don't thing alike but real knowledge given by WIFE who taught that Cell means sale at Malls..OL
November '18:
They asked me - What is MARRIAGE?
A very smart and in depth reply:
Marriage is like 2 wires of electricity
If both wires connected correctly - there is light otherwise BLAST...
October '18:
When I forget to close my Zip.. She laughed and said: Sir, your garage is open..
Me: Did you see my Harley?
Girl: Nope, I saw a mini bike with 2 flat tires.. weird..
To Impress Girls:
Please let me capture your picture so I can show to Santa what I wish for! :)
Were you a camera in previous birth? Because whenever I look at you, I smile ....
When my girl ordered me to kiss where it smells funny..
I flew her to New Jersey!
She called me 'Stupid'!
I do not want to blink because I am afraid to skip a second of your cuteness.. Just kidding..
Would you catch/hold/hug me if I fall for you.
Pain of women: They need to teel their age while vaccination.. LOL!
We men are so nice and clean at heart. You know, whenever you are in bikini, I only see cover parts...
Hug me if I am wrong but Earth is Square..
Men are important part of this world..
Girl: We have lot of others options too!
Boyfriend: Vibrator can't buy you a drink! LOL
I went to crazy people hospital and put 2 stones in my ears and Dr. surprised and asked:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING??
Me: I am listening to Rock music!!:))
To Fascinate a girl: Lister to her, Care for her, respect her, protect her, stand on her side, love her, give her time, be with her, make her feel how special she is..
To Enchant a Boy: Just give him a smile!
Girl: How are you
Me: I am fine..
Girl: How is the study going on?
Boy: See, you are my girlfriend, please do not ask questions like my relatives!
I told my gym trainer about my loss of memory..
and then he asked me to pay in advance..
My female friend is IT professional and when she died.. They say - She went OFFLINE..
You know when my friends say, they are feeling alone: I say I am there with you..
When they say: They need to laugh, I say - Just call me..
But they say: Need money, my number does not exist!
One of my mate's dad asked: Do you drink?
Me: Occasionally, but occasions come Regularly..
April '18:
March '18:
Why don't some couples go to Gym?
Simple, because some relationships don't work out..
A Gym Advertisement:
Tired of Being Fat & Ugly??
JUST BE UGLY..
@ Fitness ZONE!
Feb '18:
So valentine day is near and I thought I should go and talk to that beautiful girl..
NEXT DAY..
Hey congrats me - I have one more sister NOW... :((
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A Garbage Truck ... Hahahah
Jan '18:
Advocate to lady: You were saying that your husband left you after 1 year of marriage.. but you have 3 kid.. How come?
Lady: Yes, he left me but in between he keeps on coming back for forgiveness.
Mother in law: how this glasses have been broken?
Daughter in law: Actually I had fight with husband last night..
Mother in law: OK< then how this bed has been broken? She: Actually, we had patched up.. Dec '17:
If a girl says she hates doing shopping....marry her...!!
I love my 6 pack so much that I hide it with a layer of fat..LOL
While playing a game, i asked an house wife what her favorite card is?
She shouted: Credit Card...
Nov '17:
Hey, why are you itching your hear while having helmet on your head? asked a fellow friend while driving wit his friend? Better remove the helmet and then itch your head.
Man: Stupid, when you get itching in your private parts, do you remove your pant? LOL
Sept '17:
Husband was going to market and wife asks..listen
Please bring something from market which makes me beautiful.
Husband comes back with a bottle of whisky/wine..
Aug '17:
Two men were traveling together, one was Chinese so they saw a mosquito and Chinese grabbed in the fist and eaten.
Again another man saw the mosquito and he grabbed and asked Chinese : will you buy?
Boy: you live in my thoughts, dreams and feelings..
Girl: Bro, someone has made you fool, I live in California.. lol
Wife: Go and hunt a lion so that I can use his skin to decorate my room.
Husband: This is very very tough job, please give me a easy task.
Wife: Give me you mobile and let me read all you chats..
Husband: I think, first task is easy.. :(
May '16:
Admit it, we always say our true feelings with help 'Just Joking'..lol
You know you get perks of working with keyboard factory.. you deserve some extra shiftss...
May '16:
While having food in this summer where temperature is touching 45 degree...
We must say thanks to 3 people..
1st. God 2nd. Farmer 3rd. The person who is making it ready in so high temperature.
Once a kid missing. Their parents and relative put status with photo on social media.
Than next day, he found and came back to home.
Still after 2 years, whenever that kid go out side, people catch him and take him home. Lol
A message in group - Please do not leave the group to go outside s temperature is so high..lol
November '15:
A friend was arguing with me that onion is the only food which gets your tear out.
So I throw a coconut on his face to prove him wrong!
Wife in a mood: I want you to whisper something dirty on me.
Hubby: Your dishes!
What kind of bees make milk?
Boo Bees:)
July:
If girl is with you - Restaurant Bill
If girl is far from you - Mobile bill
If girl is separated from you - Than Bar Bill.
Moral - No Girl - No Bills!
Teacher: What small bee gives you?
Kid: Honey!
Teacher: What small goat gives you?
Kid: Milk!
And what buffalo gives you?
Kid: Home work!
A girl gives a kiss to a baby but left her lipstick spot.
Girl: Oops I am sorry..
Kid: It is ok.. if there are strain while doing something.. strains are good!
March:
Me: Do you have a book for men with small his thing?
Librarian: I don't know if it's in yet.
Me: Yeah that's the one.
Where does a dog search for when it loses his tail?
A retail store.
Curves on women are nice, but curves on final exams are even better.
What are the only kind of trees that grow fingers?
Ummm, Palm trees.
Don't "k" me, you bast....
Rare:
The most annoying moment when you put your status single and your ex likes it!
The past of Eat is ate and the future of ate is weight and the most funny part is that people realize it so too late!
----
Husband on wife's grave.. with a table fan.. crying...
Someone comes and asks - did you love her alot?
Man: Which love? she took a promise that you will re-marry when my graves goes dry - I don't know who stupid put lot of water daily here?
----
Telling lie is Sin for kids, must for bachelors, art for lovers, and the way of living calmly for married couples!
----
Where were you last night? mother shouted!
I was in disc/club, son replied.
Oh my god! I hope you didn't see anything which you should not see.
Son: I seen the thing that I should not see there!
What did you seen>
Dad - he softly uttered...
-----
Early to bed, and early to rise proves that..
..
..
..
...
The person has no internet connection!!!:)
----
Lay to advocate: I want to marry my ex husband again!
Advocate: Why, last month you hot the divorce..
Lady: After divorce, he is very happy and I can not tolerate this at all...
----
Couple got fight!
Wife in anger goes to market, buys poison, eats and after sometime..
She did not die..
Husband: Lot of time, I told you, take care while buying things, money is wasted and work is still incomplete!!
----
Man can be happy in 2 situations: 1st - if unmarried; 2nd - if wife has gone to her mother's home.
Smartness:
Man: If we deposite cheque today, how much wil it take to clear it?
Manager: 3 days
Man: But the other bank is just opposite of your bank, them why so long?
Manager: Sir, we need to follow the procedure. For example, if you die outside of crimination center, you will not directly taken there, you need to be taken to the home first then...
Man: Surprised....
------
Duffer, why do you keep on talking with girls all the time..
Boy: I am very poor, even do not have whatsapp in my cell.
-----
Friend: You have sweet shop, don't you feel like eating?
Him: Yes, I love them, but dad put all sweet counted, so I taste them and put them back..!!
-----
Do you know about 7 important most important Men in a Woman's life? No, then here we go:
One. Mr. Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
Two. Mr. Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
Three. That Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
Four. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
Five. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
Six. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
Sever. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
An Economist beautifully explained two reasons for having two wives:
A - Monopoly should be broken
B- Competition improves the quality of service..
If you have one wife she fights with you, if you have two wives they will fight for you
Feel the difference and decide:
Disclaimer: We are not having such experience and not responsible for any side effects!
------
Adam[man] and Eve[woman] were the first human beings in the world
one fine day eve asked Adam' do you love me'
Adam said 'do i have another choice'
------
Male in the club Orders a Beer..
Female next To Him-
What A Co-incidence, Even I Have Ordered the same..
Man-I'm so Happy.
Female-Me too.
Man-Wat A Coincidence.
Lady-My Husband & I Have Tried 4Yrs For A Baby..
Today I'm Pregnant.
Man-Wat A Co-Incidence.
I Am A Farmer
From 4Yrs My Hens Were Infertile,
Today All Laying Eggs
Lady-Wow How Did That Happen?
Man- I Used A Different Cock.
Lady SMILED, & Said
WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!
------
Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work!
Submitted by Alysia Csengery
------
They asked me Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?
Well, they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
------
To avoid getting entangles with child-labor laws, I have decided to appoint a child as a CEO.
Special ego massage, please!
You are right.. Minimalism did not make any sense to me until I began to bald!
------
The kidnapers of your son sir! He says you've grossly undervalued your company to fix the random amount!
------
Ask.. whatever you want, but don't ask me to walk my talk.
------
Dad – Dear, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son – no way..
Dad - She is the daughter of world's richest man.
Son – then its done.
Then his dad goes to that richest man..
Dad - I want your daughter to marry my son.
Rich man – nope
Dad: He is the COO of world bank.
Rich man – then its done.
Then Dad again goes to president of bank.
He asked – appoint my son the COO of the world bank.
Him – Never
Dad: – He is the son in law of World's richest man.
Him – then its fine.
THIS IS Smartness...!!
------
The only thing our students want to hear from you, sir, is how to engineer jobs in the current market!
*****
Boss:
Bosses are like clouds..
When they disappear.. Ambiance gets brighter and relaxed..
The virus means business. It wants us to send online secure payment to leave our system.
I chose a wrong mentor - what about you?
The golden rule of work is that the bosses pranks are ALWAYS funny.
Interpretation: It is true when your boss shares something witty, you must laugh otherwise he might feel insulted and your promotion can be stopped. So whether they are funny or not, everyone laughs at them.
Employee : Boss, you called me?
Boss : Yes, go to home and make love with your wife.
Employee : (After an hour) ,done sir
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : Done again, sir.
Boss : Do it once more
Employee : Now I don't have
stamina for it, sir.
Boss : Very good,here are my car
keys, drop my daughter at home.
Explanation: What a smart and proactive boss. He is so doubtful about his employee or daughter that he makes his worker to tried before sending his daughter with him. But anyhow it was a funny experience. Isn't it?
A pregnant lady asked her Sir if she could have the day off because she wasn't feeling fine. He tells her the only way she is leaving work is if she starts her contractions. So she yells "shouldn't, couldn't, Can't, didn't, won't, wouldn't!"
Driver:
Are you afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.
Interpretation: How witty! This joke tells that we all need company to something daring. They are not suggesting how to avoid suicide but giving you idea to be bus driver because there are hundreds more people who can go heaven/hell to accompany you.
Relationship:
Interpretation: This joke shows How complicated some relationships are! It doesn't matter how much efforts you put in to improve, there are always some reasons to have some fights. It is just like a fat girl who never takes pain to lose weight.What did the cannibal do after he dumped the girl?
Wiped his back because she kicks really hard!
One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"
Husband-Wife:
Wife: I came to know that you have appointed a new female office assistance.
Husband: Yes,
Wife: Is she beautiful?
Husband: A bit
Wife: What about dress?
Husband: She wears it very quickly!
One man went to Dr. for check.
Dr. advised: You need perfect and complete rest. You should have peace of soul. This are some medicine for your wife.
Give her and have some peace of mind.
Wife while beating her husband - Neighbour interrupts
Why are you biting this innocent man?
Wife: Please, he is not innocent. I called him and the other girl replied - The person you are calling is busy on another.."
On Bachelor door name plate - Home Sweet Home
And Married person door nameplate - Oh God - I Pray for Silence.
Girl: It is very tough to have love affair with a person who works in bank.
Man: Why?
Girl: I sent him love letter, he send me back remarks -- "signature different"
-----
Once a sad lady was walking along the beach thinking of the worst state of her life cycle. Her husband asked her for divorce. As she was walking, she tripped over something in the sand. The woman picked the object up revealing a lamp.
The woman rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared before her. "I will grant you three wishes," the genie said "but whatever you wish for your husband will get double."
The woman thought and thought, then made her first wish "I wish for 10 million dollars." POOF! The wished for ten million appears at the woman feet, some distance away 20 million dollars appears at her husbands feet.
The woman thinks again and makes her second wish, "I wish for a pile of diamonds three feet high!" POOF! A pile of diamonds appears at the woman feet, a pile of diamonds six feet high appears at her husband’s feet.
The woman thinks and thinks, ponders and ponders; finally she says to the genie "Now, whatever I wish for my husband gets double?" The genie replies, "That is correct."
She makes her third wish, "I wish for you to scare me half to death!"
----
Wife after drinking Beer asked: Who are you?
Husband: "Are you mad! You don't recognize your husband?
Wife: Addiction makes you forget every sorrow - My dear brother!!
-----
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
Interpretation: How situations or attitudes change after just marriage. Love converts into revenge, closeness converts into ignorance and so on. It is human mentality and we have to accept it while readers enjoy it.
Whenever they ask me why females don't gamble as much as males do?
I just give them a uncommon smart reply: Their total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.
Doctor: Please lie down, I need to check you.
Female: Okay but call the nurse too.
Doctor: Why, you don't have trust in me?
Female: I do, but my husband, who is outside, doesn't have trust in me...
Thing to laugh on: How century changes! Gone those day when husbands used to have blind faith their wives. Now they don't even trust them for a single second and all credit goes to those cheaters females who have made all wives the victim of doubt.
Husband: I am feeling so happy while seeing your friend.
Wife: Yeah, I can see your happiness through your jeans.
Interpretation: Yeah, you must be feeling so funny! But it is true that men are like dogs. Girls always know their weak point and males get excited when they notice beautiful girls. Although your wife can see your intentions through your changed behavior, so be cautious!
---
Once a man questioned his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me any fortune?"
"Dear hubby, I'd have married you... NO Matter who left you a fortune!" She replied softly.
---
Every girl need 4 pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all!
---
One day, little Sam was at the park playing when he saw his dad and aunt walk behind the bushes.
He followed them quietly.
What he saw surprised him a lot. Sam ran home and told his Mother... Guess what I saw today!
"How should I know" Mom replied.
"You know, dad at aunty went into the bushes and aunty took off dad's jacket and then..."
"Stop, it is better you to wait until you daddy gets back to home and we have dinner to finish your story?" mom said.
"Fine" said Sam.
And when they were all having dinner, Sam started..
"and then Dad did to Aunt what Uncle did to Mom while Dad was out...."
---
Husband comes home from a tough time of work and finds his wife laying in front of the fire place with her legs wide open.
He asked, "Dear, what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."
---
"What a pleasant surprise.. You came home early" Wife speaks so gladly.
I was forced to do it. I have to obey what my boss told me to do. He ordered: "GO TO HELL"
---
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.
---
A girl worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A boy never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Waiter:
Interpretation: Some people are really too humorous that they can not stop themselves from making fun without the fear of losing their jobs. That what waiter is doing in above situation. After getting that reply that customer may laugh but chances of getting anger are high. HahaCustomer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
Interpretation: How playful! That man must be drunk! What a suspense! Yeah, no wife loves that hubby in that way especially you reach home Late! So better to wash your face and see her face carefully.It's funny when a girl has the nerve to complain that there are no more good men left.
We are all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I am really crazy for good figure but my heart is in love with food.
How do you know if you are mentally ill?
One in 4 people are. Check 3 friends; if they are OK, you're it!
Jacky: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Selina: Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!
Explanation: Above joke's storyline is misunderstanding. You never know the interest of a girl. Like you, she may also be seeking for some cute girls. That is happens with Jacky when he tries to impress Selina in bar! So next time, take care of this thing before you go ahead.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Interpretation: You must be lucky if you're out for business trips. Real fun is always outside with some crazy ways which, of-course, are hated by your family specially wife. Got it! So send lots of love to your family from out of the town and spend great time with their love and without their interference.
No one cares unless you're pretty or dying.
Interpretation: So hilarious! When a girl is so beautiful and you find her in trouble, how bad you feel and do all the effort to help her. What if an ugly man is in trouble? You ignore. So being pretty is really a good feature and God gift!
It's funny how making odd noises can get you into strange situations sometimes.
Shopkeeper: Stop! you can't smoke here.
Me: But I bought the it from your shop.
Shopkeeper: We also sell condoms but that doesn't mean.. but you don't use them here!
Interpretation: What a witty reply when a customer buys something from their shop and insists of using it on his place. I am sure the user has nothing to say after listening that. But we readers can laugh on this joke and gonna share it with friends. Lol!
Marriage:
Interpretation: Marriage is a mandatory thing but it's a big big trap. After this, You can not go anywhere, you can enjoy with your friends, you cannot do anything alone. You have to take trouble with you everywhere. So what if it is a good institution, I am too young to join it. Run.... HahaGlobal warming was the reason the name Ivy Blue came into being...just think about it!
Saying you have a headache to get out of things because your to lazy to go.
Please understand that I didn’t do it! Unless I was supposed to do it. Then of course I did it.
Sometimes I feel like I am emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit for a very long time!
Q: What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
A: You can unscrew the light bulb.
When butterflies fall in love do they feel humans in their stomach?
Lady to Radio Jockey: It would be a great help if you call to my husband who left me and took all our three kids with him.
Radio Jockey: Yes, for sure... Its on. You please speak your message.
Lady: Honey, kindly return back two kids because only one of them is yours!!!
The old people used to tell me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, 'Ha ha, You’re next!' So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!
After long argument I say 'It's ok' to shut your ugly mouth.
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
Friend: You go to concerts on school nights? Me: No, it's more like I go to school on concert nights.
Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.
Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
You grow on people, but so does cancer.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to them.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
Basic research is what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.
If my joke offends you: 1) I'm sorry. 2) It won't happen again. 3) 1 & 2 are lies. 4) You're a Bit.
Alcoholic? No, I prefer the term Drinking Enthusiast.
What’s so real about reality TV shows?
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don't trust women!
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
I like sleeping. It’s like death without the commitment.
Kids and Teenagers
Those 3 magical words which makes every girl happy - I am Sorry!!
Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?
Me: It committed suicide, had too many problems.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own pranks!
What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt!
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Kid: No, he did it all by himself.
Lecturer: Why are you looking at those monkeys outside when I am in the class?
Dear future kids of mine , If I find weed in your room , I will take that shit , and I will smoke it.
I hate it when they’re talking and gum falls out of their mouth.
Once, a father of a teenage daughter was concerned because his daughter spend too much time on phone; and nobody else in house could use the that line. So, he got a solution, he had a new telephone line installed for her.Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone.Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
Funniest:
PATIENT:Doctor I Keep thinking i am the moon!
DOCTOR:I cant see you now, come tonight..
submitted by jeffrey
Some years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please, don't let Kevin Bacon die!
I’m in a love triangle with me, myself and I.
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: Because his wife died.
That awkward moment when someone knows you, but you don’t know them.
Once a woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?" she said.
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".
Satire
You buy a wonderful costly phone and imagine.. girls will be impressed and you what you get is get lost!
You study hard whole young life and uneducated ministers earn millions..Who is more smart?
Spending whole life loving a single girl.. Day night think of her and she marries a engineer who looks like a black dog.. You get LOL!
One Liners:
Evening news is when they start off with Good Evening and then proceed to telling you why it isn't.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!
How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.
Energizer bunny arrested-charged with battery.
What did 0 say to number 8?
Nice belt.
Waiter, waiter! There's a slug in my salad.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know you were a vegetarian.
Take the mast off when you speak to me.
Whats a snail?
A slug with a crash helmet.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
A man walked into a bar.
Ouch.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
What would the lamp say to the man?
Nothing. A lamp is an inanimate object.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
Overweight:
A lady woman was surprisingly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
Doctor: I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip one day, and repeat this instruction for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.
After 2 weeks, when lady returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 15 pounds.
Doctor: Wow, that’s brilliant! Did you follow my plan?
Lady nodded. I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
Doctor: From hunger, you mean?
Lady: Nope... from skipping!
Ghost:
Blonde:
Why did the blonde visit the post office 50 times in one day?
Her computer kept saying she has mail.
Save a horse... Ride a cowboy!
- Jay Leno
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champion.
A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"
Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to Disney World?
She saw a sign saying: "Disney World Left" so she went home.
Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
Because they can't remember the recipe.
Animals:
What to give a sick pig?
Oinkment
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".
On which day do lions eat people?
Chewsday!
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Once a turtle was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks
2 tigers went into a pub and after ordering two beers, took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub owner. So the 2 tigers swapped their sandwiches.
What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.
What do you call a camel without any humps?
Humphrey!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.
A pig's favorite ballet?
Swine Lake
Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don't work.
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Thief
Once a thief enter in a home and finds a note on locker - "Please don't break the lock, Just push the button and it will open easily.
So he does the same But after doing that - Police arrives!
Thief Shouts: There is no value of Honesty!
Once a husband said his credit card was stolen but he made his mind to not to go for F.I.R. because that thief was spending less than his spouse used to!
How do you keep people from stealing your bagels?
Put lox on them.
Ladies
2 ladies were fighting for a seat in metro on man suggested: Whoever is older should take the seat.
than..... both seat remained free. :)
The average fight between men lasts 5 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 11 years.
I am looking for a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.
Crazy:
Height of positiveness: As a buy comes out from his home, a bird flies by and shits on his head. Guess how this guy reacts? "Oh, my goodness, Thanks God! ELEPHANTS DON'T FLY!"
Den: My souse went for horse-riding to lose weight. Lost 6kg!!
Jay: Hard work pays!
Den: No! She didn't but that horse lost the weight!
Man: Hey little kid! Why are you running? Do you know who am I?
Crazy Kid: Lol, When you even don't know who you are, how can I?
On Wives:
There are 3 forms of a girl:
No. 1: The one who loves you with eyes closed - known as Girlfriend
No. 2: The one who loves you til her eyes closed - known as Mother
No. 3: The one who loves you with her big eyes staring at you - know as Wife.:))
Husband buys a mouth fresher for wife.
Wife: Why you don't buy for you.
Husband: I remain silent anyways.
teacher: Name two animals that live in a cold region?
student: A polar bear and his wife
Wife is like a god's prasad (fruit), you have to eat it without making any complaint.
Wife: I heard that men get angels in heave and what women get?
Man: God only listens to those who are needy!
Lady: People say that in heaven Man and woman can not live together!
Male: Yes, that is why it is known as heave!
why does traffic stop when old people smile,
because their teeth are so yellow.
For voting you age should be 18 but for marriage you must be 21, why?
Wise man replies: Because government knows that taking care of the wife is bigger task than taking care of nation.
Whatsapp:
Boy sends message: I Love You
Got an alert: Not delivered
Me sitting with him suggested: Oh my friend, this is God giving you a chance. Save yourself...LOL
A best friend status: Waiting for perfect man.
Me replied: Nobody is perfect.. Lets make each other perfect.
People says true love never dies but....
Now in latest fashion - it just ends with one single command - 'BLOCK'
37 comments:
I have a Joke - Reply with Your wonderful reply.
Once a drunker was lying on the road side, one kind man asked: Why did you drink so much that you cannot even stand?
Drunker: It was my helplessness. I had to do it.
Ma: What was your problem?
Drunker: The cap of bottle was misplaced!!
I don't understand it please explain I'm not that good at jokes so I really don't get them
Thank for your comment Rachel!
The joke is that the bottle cap was missing and he had to drink all of it. So he fell as he could not leave the bottle unsafe due to uncap. Lol
Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”
Lol!! Thanks for adding this.. Enjoy!
wow thats really funny! LOL!
Wowwwww
Wowwww
Man walking past lady on bench seat in park. "Good morning young man" .."excuse me but I think you are mistaken, how old do you think I am?....er' 65!...no I am 85. He then goes to the post office and waits his turn. When he reaches the counter the young lady behind the counter says " good morning young man" sorry you must be mistaken how old do youmthink I am? ...er' 65" .....no I am 85!.... he theleaves and goes back through through the park and there sitting on the seat is an elderley lady....."good morning young man" ....."well that is very nice of you but you must be mistaken...how old do you think I am?........the lady hasva good look at him and says " just drop your pants will you? ...he does as she suggests...the ladybtakes a ckose look.." your 85" ....how the hell did you know that? ?.." I was in the queue behind you in the post office!!!!!
Joke.....
It was little Johnny's birthday and he wanted to get in the shower and so did his mom so they took a shower together..she said"dont look down or up".so he looks up.."mommy what r those?"those r my flashlights..so he looks down mom what's that.....that is my bushes'....so the next day he gets in the shower with his dad...dad says "dont look down...."so he looks down and says"what's that?""that is my snake so that night Johnny got scared and wanted to sleep I his parents bed so they let him and they told him not to look under the sheet's he did and said"mommy dads snake is sliding in ur bushes turn ur flashlights on"!
Hope, Rachel - You got the reply below :) keep smiling and sharing!
Thank you dear for sharing your joke.. I wish you could mentioned your name to spread it.. love ya
One day a priest asked a boy if he know qho was the mother of jesus. The boy nodded and said ,"well,sir am new in this community so i dont know the woman around, i cant evn spot his mom"
what a LOL
We want to make everyone LOL..
i know right like wtf
When English speaking people tell joke, then I laugh if can be understood.
jokes keep our life LOL
It can really help me.,tnx.
These jokes r awesome but I'm not good at telling jokes
Here is a great joke. There was a man called edd. He was at the pub and he was drunk. He ordered some cheese. The waitress came over and said sorry there is no more cheese so he shouts that is not gudha hear
what do u call a alligator wearing a vest ans= investigtor
Hahaha...nice :)
sorry some of these jokes DID not make any sense but i'm still smiling at some of then anyways.
i am always looking for a joke to make me smile at least once a day.
Thank you for your valued feedback...
You are welcome...
great joke .... wish id thought of it!
On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is Asian, one is Mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The Asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the Mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.
Never trust atoms, they make up everything
Why did Tigger stick his head over the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh
An elderly man sits down at a table in a Chinese restaurant. The waiter delivers his usual soup. The man says that he can't eat it. The waiter asks if it was too hot. The man says No. "Too cold?", "No" he said.
The next day, the man returns and the waiter brings him his soup. The man again says he cannot eat and they go through again. "Too hot?" "Too cold?" "Too spiced?". All to which he answered No. Waiter says, "I am going to try this soup and find out what is going on with it! Now where's the spoon?" Old man:"Ah Hah!"
Thank you:)
Not bad...Lol
That is just savage
Impressive jokes. Keep it up
So funny jokes. appreciate..
Post a Comment