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If hubby is head of the family then what is wife?
Wife is the neck of the family and can turn head anywhere!
Wife: I will not survive. I will be died!
Husband: I will also be died.
Wife: I have fever and going through big pain but why you will die?
Husband: I can not tolerate so big news of happiness.
In psychology class..
Professor has placed a cake and other side female rat.
Rat gone to cake.
Other time, they places bread and female rat. Than again it goes to bread.
Several times, they put different food items but rat never attracted to female rat.
Professor - It is proved that hunger is bigger than love.
One intelligent student: Sir, Will you please once try to replace the female rat? It may possible that existing female is its wife!!
"Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I am doing." - Werner Von Braun
"Instant gratification takes too long." - Carrie Fisher
"It is difficult to keep quiet if you have nothing to say." - Malcolm Margolin
Man: I am very happy with life. Everything is just perfect. No problems, lot of free time and peace of mind.
Doctor: I got your nerve. You have lack of vitamin SHE!
Boys capability of keep balance should be examined when they are making pegs!
Crazies - They distribute it like they are sharing heaven's syrup! Cheers..
Showing posts with label Good Quotes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Good Quotes. Show all posts
Sole purpose
After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
- P.J. O'Rourke
- P.J. O'Rourke
Character of people
"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."
- Sam Ewing
- Sam Ewing
Safe Place
I'm going to be around until the Atomic Energy Commission finds a safe place to bury my liver.
- Phil Harris
- Phil Harris
Three places
Doctor, Doctor, my arm is broken in three places.
Well stay out of those places.
- Tommy Cooper
Well stay out of those places.
- Tommy Cooper
Another chance
The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.
- Peter De Vries
- Peter De Vries
Top 100 Short Funny Quotes to Kill Boredom and to Spread Laughter
Hilarious Funny Quotes are tend to be written to create the ambience full of Fun and Laughter. These short quotes are too funny that you can't stop yourself from laughing like crazies although this stuff also inspire and motivate us. So without wasting much time, here we bring those top 100 Funny Quotes and Sayings with illustration to make your day full of enjoyment.
Behind every successful woman, is a basket of dirty laundry.
- Sally Forth
Illustration: The above quote replaces the old proverb and expresses if a woman is successful, she must be skipping all the works of home. It shows the ignorance of women who work only and do not care about family life. Here the satire on business/service women in a humorous way. Take it easy you successful tycoons, it is just for fun. Don't mind it.
The moment when you friend borrows your bike for a day and don't put any OIL but when returns you - gives you advise that it needs service..:(((
Moment: The moment of laughter here is that the person taking your property and while giving it back, instead of being thankful to you, he gives you some lecture. Deep in heart, you feel like throwing him out of this planet.
Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
- Anonymous
Illustration: How smartly they pull leg of married people. Romance seems too good before marriage but you really fed up with it after getting married because expectations go too high and your romantic hero disappears in catching them.
I think, therefore I'm single.
- Female philosopher
Punch-Line: What a wit! Gone those day, when people think only for success. After all success means live your life a fullest. So he thinks of best life which ends when you get marry! Isn't it?
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Illustration: Lol! Lazy people are really so tactful. They just want to stay always from any hard work by finding some smart way of doing things and that is what people want.
I have two daughters, both are girls!
Illustration: Sometimes people say the answer in starting and again they repeat it and that is what makes them look like a fool. Hey man, if you have two daughters, it is understood that they are females.
I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
- Michael Prichard
Illustration: What a wise thought by Michael! They always report same counting of people because as one man goes out then one baby comes in. So it always remains equal.
Boys lie more, but girls lie better.
Illustration: This quote favors boys. What if males lie a lot. Girls are one step ahead, they say it too but never get caught. Smart chicks.
I hate when I'm about to hug someone really nice and my face hits the mirror.
Illustration: Awkward situation. But what should I do as I don't find anyone more attractive and smart as me. So whenever I stand in front of mirror, unknowingly accident happens.
"ARE YOU ASLEEP??" "No I was in comma , thanks for saving me."
Illustration: Good punch for those people who never stop asking strange questions. Obviously, I am taking a nap and you are disturbing me for no reasons.
If we lose this war, I'll just start another in my wife's name.
- Moshe Dayan
Illustration: Sorry but again a good joke on wives. They keep on fighting and never loose! So better to start any fight with wife's name to ensure your victory.
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce
Illustration: Love is blind. It's a kind of madness. People do lots of fights, arguments, sacrifices for it's sake. But after marriage - Real life starts!
If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun.
- Benjamin Franklin
Illustration: Aha! One of the right punch on bald people and this is true too. How can they dare to walk under the heat of sun with no hair on head. This gonna force them run like crazy to find some shelter.
Illustration: Really, it is not an easy task to handle a female for life time. Our smart experienced author Mr. Balzac warns men to attend some special training or program on marriages so that they could bear the pressure of coming tough life after getting engaged.
Police arrested two kids yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
- Tommy Cooper
Illustration: Here a quick satire at police officers. This quote says that what they need is only their own benefit. They use people to get their work done. Where is that Public service? Why do they not understand their duty please.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
USP: :Nowadays, people are very restless. They have closed their eyes and even they do not know what they are doing. They are just following the crowd. So here author throw sarcasm on those human beings who don't know their purpose of life. Please stop digging this hole because you are the only one who is going deeper into this.
Drawing is like making an expressive gesture with the advantage of permanence.
- Henri Matisse
Nelson Mandela, He’s been out of prison for 16 years and hasn’t re-offended. I think he’s going straight. Which shows you, prison works.
- Ricky Gervais
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers.
- Judith Martin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
- George Carlin
Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?
- Nipsey Russel
As he was valiant, I honor him. But as he was ambitious, I slew him.
- William Shakespeare
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
- George Burns
Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.
- Oscar Wilde
"Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises."
"All the things I like to do are either illegal, immoral or fattening."
"A wise man once said 'I don't know, go ask a woman'."
"Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness, hasn't been shopping at the right malls."
What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you 'turn up missing'?
- Kevin Hart
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
- Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
Don't like me? Cool. I don't wake up to impress you everyday.
I know you want me. You’re so right. I want you to leave.
Jealousy is a terrible disease please get well soon dumb!
My toughest fight was with my first wife. –Muhammad Ali
Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
- Judith Viorst
Go home winter. You're drunk.
Sometimes i ask to my farts: "why now??"
I'm eating just in case I get hungry in the future.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
- Rodney Dangerfield
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
You must lose everything in order to gain anything.
- Brad Pitt
Me after 50 seconds of running: I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing.
My life is a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" moments.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
- Bill Watterson
Every night, it's an endless battle between Sleep and The Internet...
Can I ask a very pregnant librarian if she's overdue?
Hardest thing to answer: Describe yourself.
The feeling you get after finishing your last exam...
That moment of joy when you find money in your pocket.
She- I love you.
Me- Yeah I love me too.
I wish I had a cute laugh but instead I sound like a dying seal.
I don't hate you. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Just before 10 second of that romantic scene - your parents walk in.
Things I'm bad at: singing.
Things I do a lot: sing
If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old.
The awkward moment when the person you didn't want to invite somewhere, asks if they can come with you.
Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.
- Isadora Duncan
I'm too lazy to text, unless you're important to me..or you're hot or beautiful.
I spent my entire childhood wishing I was older. Now I'm older... and it kills.
Me: I wanna go on a diet. Food: Lol, no.
Money is not a problem. The problem is I don't have any of it.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A Gummy Bear!
Don't make fun of fat girls, elephants never forget.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" and they laugh.
There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
- Oscar Wilde
It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.
- Anne Sexton
Illustration: Here person is smartly saying that only thing which matters is name/fame. Everybody has a father but my father should be special. He must have earned that status to make me feel great. How witty the son is..LOL
You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
"This suspense is terrible. I hope it lasts."
- Oscar Wilde
Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker.
- Ogden Nash
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown
Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. - Jon Stewart
The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
- Leo J. Burke
Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love.
– Benjamin Disraeli
Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
- Stanislaw J. Lem
Worst moment when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick.
We all experience this moment. It is really so difficult but we have to be sober to that person to showcase our goodself and in alone we also laugh and express our imagination. it is really funny..
Sometime I want to move as little as I can just to show people I am Live.
A good presentation of lazy people tendency. They are too lazy and would like to postpone everything always. But anyway, just tolerate..
I am very very productive, but only on those last 5 minutes.
So true, we human beings do everything so slowly and work like a very productive machine in last minute rush.. Sad but reality.
Love is when he is rich and still loves you:)
I managed to call my Apple charger - Apple Juice.
I love you baby but when I see another more attractive - I often think to re-think!