Saturday, March 30, 2013

Top 100 Funny Jokes

'Gain good health with Top 100 best and most hilarious Funny Jokes while entertaining yourself/others because it's never too late to enjoy the life. The best is day is today and most special person is you.'

Topics:

Smartness - Boss - Blonde - Driver - Relationship - Husband-Wife - Waiter - Marriage - Kids and Teenagers - Funniest - One Liners - Ghost - Overweight - Animals - Thief - Ladies - Satire - Crazy - On Wives

Funny Jokes

Smartness:

Adam[man] and Eve[woman] were the first human beings in the world
one fine day eve asked Adam' do you love me'
Adam said 'do i have another choice'

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Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work!
Submitted by Alysia Csengery

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They asked me Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?
Well, they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

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To avoid getting entangles with child-labor laws, I have decided to appoint a child as a CEO.

Special ego massage, please!

You are right.. Minimalism did not make any sense to me until I began to bald!

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The kidnapers of your son sir! He says you've grossly undervalued your company to fix the random amount!

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Ask.. whatever you want, but don't ask me to walk my talk.

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Dad – Dear, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son – no way..
Dad - She is the daughter of world's richest man.
Son – then its done.
Then his dad goes to that richest man..
Dad - I want your daughter to marry my son.
Rich man – nope
Dad: He is the COO of world bank.
Rich man – then its done.
Then Dad again goes to president of bank.
He asked – appoint my son the COO of the world bank.
Him – Never
Dad: – He is the son in law of World's richest man.
Him – then its fine.

THIS IS Smartness...!!

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The only thing our students want to hear from you, sir, is how to engineer jobs in the current market!

*****

Boss:

The virus means business. It wants us to send online secure payment to leave our system.

I chose a wrong mentor - what about you?

The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.

Interpretation: It is true when your boss shares something witty, you must laugh otherwise he might feel insulted and your promotion can be stopped. So whether they are funny or not, everyone laughs at them.

Employee : Boss, you called me?
Boss : Yes, go to home and make love with your wife.
Employee : (After an hour) ,done sir
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : Done again, sir.
Boss : Do it once more
Employee : Now I don't have
stamina for it, sir.
Boss : Very good,here are my car
keys, drop my daughter at home.


Explanation: What a smart and proactive boss. He is so doubtful about his employee or daughter that he makes his worker to tried before sending his daughter with him. But anyhow it was a funny experience. Isn't it?

A pregnant lady asked her Sir if she could have the day off because she wasn't feeling fine. He tells her the only way she is leaving work is if she starts her contractions. So she yells "shouldn't, couldn't, Can't, didn't, won't, wouldn't!"

Driver:

Are you afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.

Interpretation: How witty! This joke tells that we all need company to something daring. They are not suggesting how to avoid suicide but giving you idea to be bus driver because there are hundreds more people who can go heaven/hell to accompany you.

Relationship:
Some relationships are like fat girls. They never workout.Interpretation: This joke shows How complicated some relationships are! It doesn't matter how much efforts you put in to improve, there are always some reasons to fight for. It is just like a fat girl who never takes pain to lose weight.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped the girl?
Wiped his back because she kicks really hard!

One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"

Husband-Wife:

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

Interpretation: How situations or attitudes change after just marriage. Love converts into revenge, closeness converts into ignorance and so on. It is human mentality and we have to accept it while readers enjoy it.

Whenever they ask me why females don't gamble as much as males do?
I just give them a uncommon smart reply: Their total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.

Doctor: Please lie down, I need to check you.
Female: Okay but call the nurse too.
Doctor: Why, you don't have trust in me?
Female: I do, but my husband, who is outside, doesn't have trust in me...

Thing to laugh on: How century changes! Gone those day when husbands used to have blind faith their wives. Now they don't even trust them for a single second and all credit goes to those cheaters females who have made all wives the victim of doubt.

Husband: I am feeling so happy while seeing your friend.
Wife: Yeah, I can see your happiness through your jeans.

Interpretation: Yeah, you must be feeling so funny! But it is true that men are like dogs. Girls always know their weak point and males get excited when they notice beautiful girls. Although your wife can see your intentions through your changed behavior, so be cautious!

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Once a man questioned his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me any fortune?"

"Dear hubby, I'd have married you... NO Matter who left you a fortune!" She replied softly.

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Every girl need 4 pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all!

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One day, little Sam was at the park playing when he saw his dad and aunt walk behind the bushes.
He followed them quietly.
What he saw surprised him a lot. Sam ran home and told his Mother... Guess what I saw today!
"How should I know" Mom replied.
"You know, dad at aunty went into the bushes and aunty took off dad's jacket and then..."
"Stop, it is better you to wait until you daddy gets back to home and we have dinner to finish your story?" mom said.
"Fine" said Sam.
And when they were all having dinner, Sam started..
"and then Dad did to Aunt what Uncle did to Mom while Dad was out...."

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Husband comes home from a tough time of work and finds his wife laying in front of the fire place with her legs wide open.
He asked, "Dear, what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."


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"What a pleasant surprise.. You came home early" Wife speaks so gladly.
I was forced to do it. I have to obey what my boss told me to do. He ordered: "GO TO HELL"

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To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.

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A girl worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A boy never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Waiter:

Customer: This soup tastes funny. Waiter: Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?Interpretation: Some people are really too humorous that they can not stop themselves from making fun without the fear of losing their jobs. That what waiter is doing in above situation. After getting that reply that customer may laugh but chances of getting anger are high. Haha

Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love a little affection a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house that's what it means.Interpretation: How playful! That man must be drunk! What a suspense! Yeah, no wife loves that hubby in that way especially you reach home Late! So better to wash your face and see her face carefully.

It's funny when a girl has the nerve to complain that there are no more good men left.

We are all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I am really crazy for good figure but my heart is in love with food.

How do you know if you are mentally ill?
One in 4 people are. Check 3 friends; if they are OK, you're it!


Jacky: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Selina: Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!

Explanation: Above joke's storyline is misunderstanding. You never know the interest of a girl. Like you, she may also be seeking for some cute girls. That is happens with Jacky when he tries to impress Selina in bar! So next time, take care of this thing before you go ahead.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Interpretation: You must be lucky if you're out for business trips. Real fun is always outside with some crazy ways which, of-course, are hated by your family specially wife. Got it! So send lots of love to your family from out of the town and spend great time with their love and without their interference.

No one cares unless you're pretty or dying.
Interpretation: So hilarious! When a girl is so beautiful and you find her in trouble, how bad you feel and do all the effort to help her. What if an ugly man is in trouble? You ignore. So being pretty is really a good feature and God gift!

It's funny how making odd noises can get you into strange situations sometimes.

Shopkeeper: Stop! you can't smoke here.
Me: But I bought the it from your shop.
Shopkeeper: We also sell condoms but that doesn't mean.. but you don't use them here!

Interpretation: What a witty reply when a customer buys something from their shop and insists of using it on his place. I am sure the user has nothing to say after listening that. But we readers can laugh on this joke and gonna share it with friends. Lol!

Marriage:

Marriage is a great institution but I'm not ready for an institution yet.Interpretation: Marriage is a mandatory thing but it's a big big trap. After this, You can not go anywhere, you can enjoy with your friends, you cannot do anything alone. You have to take trouble with you everywhere. So what if it is a good institution, I am too young to join it. Run.... Haha

Global warming was the reason the name Ivy Blue came into being...just think about it!

Saying you have a headache to get out of things because your to lazy to go.

Please understand that I didn’t do it! Unless I was supposed to do it. Then of course I did it.

Sometimes I feel like I am emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit for a very long time!

Q: What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
A: You can unscrew the light bulb.

When butterflies fall in love do they feel humans in their stomach?

Lady to Radio Jockey: It would be a great help if you call to my husband who left me and took all our three kids with him.
Radio Jockey: Yes, for sure... Its on. You please speak your message.
Lady: Honey, kindly return back two kids because only one of them is yours!!!

The old people used to tell me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, 'Ha ha, You’re next!' So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!

After long argument I say 'It's ok' to shut your ugly mouth.

When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.

This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

Friend: You go to concerts on school nights? Me: No, it's more like I go to school on concert nights.

Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.

Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.

You grow on people, but so does cancer.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to them.

Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

Basic research is what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.

If my jokes offend you: 1) I'm sorry. 2) It won't happen again. 3) 1 & 2 are lies. 4) You're a Bit.

Alcoholic? No, I prefer the term Drinking Enthusiast.

What’s so real about reality TV shows?

At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don't trust women!

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

I like sleeping. It’s like death without the commitment.

Kids and Teenagers

Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?
Me: It committed suicide, had too many problems.

My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes!

What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt!

Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Kid: No, he did it all by himself.

Lecturer: Why are you looking at those monkeys outside when I am in the class?

Dear future kids of mine , If I find weed in your room , I will take that shit , and I will smoke it.

I hate it when they’re talking and gum falls out of their mouth.

Teenager girl and fatherOnce, a father of a teenage daughter was concerned because his daughter spend too much time on phone; and nobody else in house could use the that line. So, he got a solution, he had a new telephone line installed for her.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone.Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."

Funniest:

PATIENT:Doctor I Keep thinking i am the moon!
DOCTOR:I cant see you now, come tonight..

submitted by jeffrey

Some years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please, don't let Kevin Bacon die!

I’m in a love triangle with me, myself and I.

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: Because his wife died.

That awkward moment when someone knows you, but you don’t know them.

Once a woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?" she said.
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".

Satire

You buy a wonderful costly phone and imagine.. girls will be impressed and you what you get is get lost!

You study hard whole young life and uneducated ministers earn millions..Who is more smart?

Spending whole life loving a single girl.. Day night think of her and she marries a engineer who looks like a black dog.. You get LOL!

One Liners:

Evening news is when they start off with Good Evening and then proceed to telling you why it isn't.

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!

How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.

Energizer bunny arrested-charged with battery.

What did 0 say to number 8?
Nice belt.

Waiter, waiter! There's a slug in my salad.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know you were a vegetarian.

Take the mast off when you speak to me.

Whats a snail?
A slug with a crash helmet.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

A man walked into a bar.
Ouch.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

What would the lamp say to the man?
Nothing. A lamp is an inanimate object.

I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.

What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.

Overweight:

A lady woman was surprisingly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
Doctor: I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip one day, and repeat this instruction for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.
After 2 weeks, when lady returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 15 pounds.
Doctor: Wow, that’s brilliant! Did you follow my plan?
Lady nodded. I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
Doctor: From hunger, you mean?
Lady: Nope... from skipping!

Ghost:

You always don't look in the bathroom mirror late at night because there might be someone behind you.

Blonde:

Why did the blonde visit the post office 50 times in one day?
Her computer kept saying she has mail.

Save a horse... Ride a cowboy!
- Jay Leno

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champion.

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to Disney World?
She saw a sign saying: "Disney World Left" so she went home.

Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
Because they can't remember the recipe.

Animals:

What to give a sick pig?
Oinkment

What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".

On which day do lions eat people?
Chewsday!

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.

Once a turtle was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks

2 tigers went into a pub and after ordering two beers, took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub owner. So the 2 tigers swapped their sandwiches.

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.

What do you call a camel without any humps?
Humphrey!

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.

A pig's favorite ballet?
Swine Lake

Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don't work.

Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Thief

Once a thief enter in a home and finds a note on locker - "Please don't break the lock, Just push the button and it will open easily.
So he does the same But after doing that - Police arrives!
Thief Shouts: There is no value of Honesty!

Once a husband said his credit card was stolen but he made his mind to not to go for F.I.R. because that thief was spending less than his spouse used to!

How do you keep people from stealing your bagels?
Put lox on them.

Ladies:

The average fight between men lasts 5 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 11 years.

I am looking for a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.

Crazy:

Height of positiveness: As a buy comes out from his home, a bird flies by and shits on his head. Guess how this guy reacts? "Oh, my goodness, Thanks God! ELEPHANTS DON'T FLY!"

Den: My souse went for horse-riding to lose weight. Lost 6kg!!
Jay: Hard work pays!
Den: No! She didn't but that horse lost the weight!

Man: Hey little kid! Why are you running? Do you know who am I?
Crazy Kid: Lol, When you even don't know who you are, how can I?

On Wives:

Husband buys a mouth fresher for wife.
Wife: Why you don't buy for you.
Husband: I remain silent anyways.

Wife is like a god's prasad, you have to eat it without making any complaint.

Wife: I heard that men get angels in heave and what women get?
Man: God only listens to those who are needy!

Lady: People say that in heaven Man and woman can not live together!
Male: Yes, that is why it is known as heave!

For voting you age should be 18 but for marriage you must be 21, why?
Wise man replies: Because government knows that taking care of the wife is bigger task than taking care of nation.

You can read all pranks written under Jokes category to have more laughter.