Every girls wants a sweet caring loving husband. ..
But I can't be complete every girl's wish. ..sorry!
Married life is so simple, Its just like a walkin the park.!!
BUT the problems is that the Jurassic-park...Jurassic Park... Now walk!
Some Craziest Dumbest Statements
When Mr. Romeo tells Miss Juliet that she's fat!
Well, he doesnt always use the internet, but when he does, he shares recipes and inspirational quotes. he is..the most pinteresting man in the world.
Crazy the only reason some people are starving and suffering in the world is because they aren't "so blessed".
Is there any jail just for people that don't break apart kit kats before they eat them.
My friends think that I got Right woman in my life but they don't yet know that she is 'Always Right'!
Well, he doesnt always use the internet, but when he does, he shares recipes and inspirational quotes. he is..the most pinteresting man in the world.
Crazy the only reason some people are starving and suffering in the world is because they aren't "so blessed".
Is there any jail just for people that don't break apart kit kats before they eat them.
My friends think that I got Right woman in my life but they don't yet know that she is 'Always Right'!
2 Doors
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4, it would be chicken sedan.
What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.
Because if it had 4, it would be chicken sedan.
What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.
With a Broken Pencil
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!
What did Zero say to number Eight?
sigh
BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!
What did Zero say to number Eight?
sigh
Coolest, craziest and simplest
Whether you're sitting idle or busy in any project, you can always spare some minutes to relax your mind and soul. No, no you need not to put any special effort for doing it, because we're giving you some of the coolest, craziest and simplest jokes for this purpose. They are one or two line long so no crack them when you get a chance.
What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.
Have you heard about the constipated mathematician?
He had to work it out with a pencil.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "P" is silent.
Where do you find a one legged dog?
Wherever you left it.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Which is the most stupid animal living in the jungle?"
"The polar bear."
Q:What's grey?
A: A melted penguin
Why don't seagulls fly over bays?
Because then they would be bagels!
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
How does Hitler tie his shoes?
In little nazis.
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A-buck-an-ear
I once farted in an elevator, which was wrong on so many levels.
What's green and when you get it stuck between your teeth, you die?
A tractor.
What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.
Have you heard about the constipated mathematician?
He had to work it out with a pencil.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "P" is silent.
Where do you find a one legged dog?
Wherever you left it.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Which is the most stupid animal living in the jungle?"
"The polar bear."
Q:What's grey?
A: A melted penguin
Why don't seagulls fly over bays?
Because then they would be bagels!
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
How does Hitler tie his shoes?
In little nazis.
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A-buck-an-ear
I once farted in an elevator, which was wrong on so many levels.
What's green and when you get it stuck between your teeth, you die?
A tractor.
Get a Hole
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one!
Guide to understanding a net addiction on various days:-
Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet.
Busy day: managed to work in three hours of usenet.
Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of usenet.
The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.
Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month. Others just go over them.
In case they get a hole in one!
Guide to understanding a net addiction on various days:-
Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet.
Busy day: managed to work in three hours of usenet.
Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of usenet.
The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.
Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month. Others just go over them.
Silliest Complaints Ever - You Must Go Through
After receiving strange but eye opening complaint from a user, Microsoft decided not to invest further in computers..
Complaint Date: 1st April - Person Name: I Doubt!
Dear Owner,
I bought a computer for my family but we came across some of the biggest unexpected problems! Kindly have a look.
#1. Near alt, I saw the start button but there is no Stop button.
#2. I also purchased keyboard, mouse, data card, CPU, data cable but there is only one icon which shows 'My computer'. So when you will provide the remaining items?
#3.You also show 'My Network Places'. For heaven's sake, please stop providing 'My secret places' I just do not want to let my spouse know where I go after my office hours.
#4. My kids learned 'Computer Word' now they want to learn 'Computer Sentence' so let us know when you introduce that.
#5. There is a query whether any re-scooter is available in your system? I see 're-cycle' only but U own a scooter.
#6. It is shocking that windows says 'My pictures' but there is not even a single pic of mine. So when will you keep my photos ion that?
#7. There is 'Microsoft Office' what about 'Microsoft Home' because I use system at home only.
#8. You only show my recent documents but I need to check my past documents too!
#9. You placed a 'Find' key but it is not working at all. My kid lost my car's key and I tried a lot to trace it with this 'find' button but it didn't work!
#10. Last but not least.. You tell you name is Gates then why are you selling Window?
Thanks & Regards
Always Concerned Person.
Complaint Date: 1st April - Person Name: I Doubt!
Dear Owner,
I bought a computer for my family but we came across some of the biggest unexpected problems! Kindly have a look.
#1. Near alt, I saw the start button but there is no Stop button.
#2. I also purchased keyboard, mouse, data card, CPU, data cable but there is only one icon which shows 'My computer'. So when you will provide the remaining items?
#3.You also show 'My Network Places'. For heaven's sake, please stop providing 'My secret places' I just do not want to let my spouse know where I go after my office hours.
#4. My kids learned 'Computer Word' now they want to learn 'Computer Sentence' so let us know when you introduce that.
#5. There is a query whether any re-scooter is available in your system? I see 're-cycle' only but U own a scooter.
#6. It is shocking that windows says 'My pictures' but there is not even a single pic of mine. So when will you keep my photos ion that?
#7. There is 'Microsoft Office' what about 'Microsoft Home' because I use system at home only.
#8. You only show my recent documents but I need to check my past documents too!
#9. You placed a 'Find' key but it is not working at all. My kid lost my car's key and I tried a lot to trace it with this 'find' button but it didn't work!
#10. Last but not least.. You tell you name is Gates then why are you selling Window?
Thanks & Regards
Always Concerned Person.
Insult
What if you sleep into something more comfortable? Emhh... Like a coma!
You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
Ever you hear that?
What?
That.. that sound of no-one caring!
You seem like a black hole of need.
Don't take me as totally useless - use me for that practice!
90% of majority people live and learn, but 10% like you.. just live!
Does this mean our plans for tonight are off or your girlfriend is joining in?
A good male doesn't just happen. He has to be created by us women.
Are you hot but uncomfortable yet?
A man can sleep around no questions asked, but if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she's a tramp.
The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them.
Women would rather be right than reasonable.
That's the nature of research-you don't know what in hell you're doing.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
Ever you hear that?
What?
That.. that sound of no-one caring!
You seem like a black hole of need.
Don't take me as totally useless - use me for that practice!
90% of majority people live and learn, but 10% like you.. just live!
Does this mean our plans for tonight are off or your girlfriend is joining in?
A good male doesn't just happen. He has to be created by us women.
Are you hot but uncomfortable yet?
A man can sleep around no questions asked, but if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she's a tramp.
The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them.
Women would rather be right than reasonable.
That's the nature of research-you don't know what in hell you're doing.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
All Men
All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all others.
A retired husband is often a wife's full time job.
Easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Cowculator
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Olive Toop
Olive Toop Who?
So do I, but I don't brag about it.
I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.
This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.
A retired husband is often a wife's full time job.
Easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Cowculator
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Olive Toop
Olive Toop Who?
So do I, but I don't brag about it.
I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.
This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.
Just insignificant
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea?
Because the Canadiens have all the cups.
Whats the difference between the Leafs and a cigarette machince?
The cigarette machince has PLAYER'S.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea?
Because the Canadiens have all the cups.
Whats the difference between the Leafs and a cigarette machince?
The cigarette machince has PLAYER'S.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine.
Would like to live with?
A kid was standing in court beside a judge. His parents were getting divorce and the judge asked him which parent he would like to live with.
With your mother?"
"No! she beats me all the time
"Ok,
So with your father.
"No! he beats me every night as well!
"Well if both your parents beat you then who do you want to live with?".
The boy replies "The Toronto Maple Leafs." The judge is puzzled. "why would you want to live with them?" he asks. The boy replies "Because they dont beat anyone!"
With your mother?"
"No! she beats me all the time
"Ok,
So with your father.
"No! he beats me every night as well!
"Well if both your parents beat you then who do you want to live with?".
The boy replies "The Toronto Maple Leafs." The judge is puzzled. "why would you want to live with them?" he asks. The boy replies "Because they dont beat anyone!"
Beautiful or Cute?
Once a lawyer wakes up from his disease after treatment, and notices his spouse besides him. His eyes little open and he utters, "Hey beautiful!" and then he falls asleep again.
His wife gets a shock because he never heard it from him.
After 10 minutes, he again opens his eyes and he says “Hey cute!"
She asks what happened? Earlier you were calling me beautiful but now cute. why?
"The drugs are wearing off!" He replies!
His wife gets a shock because he never heard it from him.
After 10 minutes, he again opens his eyes and he says “Hey cute!"
She asks what happened? Earlier you were calling me beautiful but now cute. why?
"The drugs are wearing off!" He replies!
Thoughtful and touching thing
One day, two friends play golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 29 years."
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 29 years."
Girl After Wine
When a girl takes Alcohol, there are lots of funny dramatic things happened with her. She does lots of daring and amusing tasks. Before and after drink, there is world of difference between her personality. Lets have a look at them:
You really believe that dancing with your arms, rounding your head, and wiggling your back portion while shouting 'Woo-hoo!' is perfectly coolest dance move ever.
You start hugging your friends and expressing you love them more than anyone else.
You get very exited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because 'Oh my God! This is ma favorite song!'
You've suddenly started smoking and be really perfect at first go.
You start yelling at bartender, who you believe cheated you by giving you just lemonade.
It feels like you are in bed but pillow feels like tough floor.
You've suddenly decided that you love to kick someone's back and sincerely believe you could do it.
At you last visit to pee, you realize that you now look more like a homeless hooker than the simple sweet goddess you were just before few hours ago.
You throw your sandals because you believe it's their fault that you're having walking problem.
When a vehicle hits you you have no idea where your mobile and purse are.
You really believe that dancing with your arms, rounding your head, and wiggling your back portion while shouting 'Woo-hoo!' is perfectly coolest dance move ever.
You start hugging your friends and expressing you love them more than anyone else.
You get very exited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because 'Oh my God! This is ma favorite song!'
You've suddenly started smoking and be really perfect at first go.
You start yelling at bartender, who you believe cheated you by giving you just lemonade.
It feels like you are in bed but pillow feels like tough floor.
You've suddenly decided that you love to kick someone's back and sincerely believe you could do it.
At you last visit to pee, you realize that you now look more like a homeless hooker than the simple sweet goddess you were just before few hours ago.
You throw your sandals because you believe it's their fault that you're having walking problem.
When a vehicle hits you you have no idea where your mobile and purse are.
You are not obnoxious
You are not obnoxious like so many other people..
SO what I am?
You are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
SO what I am?
You are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
Great legs
In a club, there was some big fat bird dancing on that table.
As I walked past, I said great legs.
She said "really, thank you"
I said yeah, most tables would have collapsed by now.
As I walked past, I said great legs.
She said "really, thank you"
I said yeah, most tables would have collapsed by now.
What's WRONG with me
A lady early in morning, rushed to visit her doctor. She was looking very much tensed and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....
With Your Wife
A man goes to a bar and asks for a beer.
Waiter replies: Sure Sir, Its cost is one cent." "One Cent?"
the man exclaims. He glances at the menu and asks: How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?
A nickel, the barman replies.
"A nickel?" exclaims the man.
Where's the man who owns this place?
The bartender replies: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asks: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies: The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.
Waiter replies: Sure Sir, Its cost is one cent." "One Cent?"
the man exclaims. He glances at the menu and asks: How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?
A nickel, the barman replies.
"A nickel?" exclaims the man.
Where's the man who owns this place?
The bartender replies: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asks: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies: The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.
New French tank
Did you hear about the new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.
Why are you late?
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.
Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.
Farmer's wife
How did the farmer's wife get the chickens in to the pot?
She told them it was a chicken jacuzzi.
She told them it was a chicken jacuzzi.
Too much weight
How do you let your wife know that she is putting on too much weight?
You give her a certificate with the title "NUTRITIONAL OVERACHIEVER"!
You give her a certificate with the title "NUTRITIONAL OVERACHIEVER"!
Muscle spasms
How much do you exercise?
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all!
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all!
A mole and an eagle
Q: What do a mole and an eagle have in common?
A: They both live underground, apart from the eagle.
A: They both live underground, apart from the eagle.
The florist
Did you hear about the florist who had two kids?
One was a budding genius and the other was a blooming idiot.
One was a budding genius and the other was a blooming idiot.
Your point of view.
I'd love to see things from your point of view..
But..
What?
But I can not seem to get my head that far up your ass.
The thing to laugh in this joke is some people's mind is not located in head. They always talk strange. So indirectly, he is making fun of his stupid unrelated suggestions. I know you too have that kind of person in your circle, so why not to use it.
But..
What?
But I can not seem to get my head that far up your ass.
The thing to laugh in this joke is some people's mind is not located in head. They always talk strange. So indirectly, he is making fun of his stupid unrelated suggestions. I know you too have that kind of person in your circle, so why not to use it.
Newspaper
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get the newspaper!
Imagining chickens doing so can make anyone giggle. They are really so cute but seems to be too busy in their work. Their innocence forces to joke about them.
To get the newspaper!
Imagining chickens doing so can make anyone giggle. They are really so cute but seems to be too busy in their work. Their innocence forces to joke about them.
Go down
What does is smell like to go down on a 75 year old woman?
Depends.
What a bad guy, for the age of 75 year old female, he still finds some chances! isn't it? Everyone else would have been said a big NO!
Depends.
What a bad guy, for the age of 75 year old female, he still finds some chances! isn't it? Everyone else would have been said a big NO!
A pirate in bar
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his pants.
Bartender says, "Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel coming out of your pants?"
Pirate says, "Aye! It's drivin' me nuts!"
Bartender says, "Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel coming out of your pants?"
Pirate says, "Aye! It's drivin' me nuts!"
Two pairs of trousers
Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
In case they had a hole in one.
In case they had a hole in one.
Brown chicken v/s Brown cow
What do you get when a brown chicken has sex with a brown cow?
Brown chicken brown cow (answering in sing-songy 'bow chicca bow now').
Brown chicken brown cow (answering in sing-songy 'bow chicca bow now').
Chicken coop
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
Not long enough
A couple are trying to set up a new password for their a/c.
The husband puts, "My that" and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
The husband puts, "My that" and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Hen-pecked
A husband is a man who when someone tells him he is hen-pecked, answers, yes, but I am pecked by a good hen.
Ten Things Girl Shouldn't Say on a Date
1. You're wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where's the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You're going to order that? Seriously?
10. You're how old?
― Gena Showalter
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where's the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You're going to order that? Seriously?
10. You're how old?
― Gena Showalter
Golfer's advantage
What advantage does a golfer have over a fisherman?
He doesn't have to produce anything to prove his story.
He doesn't have to produce anything to prove his story.
Dad's Age
Them: How old is your dad?
Me: As old as me.
Them : How can that be?
Me: He became a father only when I was born.
Me: As old as me.
Them : How can that be?
Me: He became a father only when I was born.
Getting on my nerves
Sheila: That boy is getting on my nerves.
Rosie: What nonsense -- he is not even looking at you!
Sheila: That is what is getting on my nerves.
Rosie: What nonsense -- he is not even looking at you!
Sheila: That is what is getting on my nerves.
A tick and a lawyer
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Finest Lie
Two kids were arguing when the teacher entered.
Teacher: Why are you arguing?
Kid: We found a 20 dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the finest lie.
Teacher: Sham on you. When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.
The kid gave bill to the teacher.
Teacher: Why are you arguing?
Kid: We found a 20 dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the finest lie.
Teacher: Sham on you. When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.
The kid gave bill to the teacher.
Far worse way
You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
Last Night Fight Funny Jokes
The fight we had last night was my fault.
My wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.
Wife: Do you know what a man gets after he dies?
Man: Yes, A beautiful Angel
Wife: What about woman?
Man: She gets Monkey...
Wife: This is not fair.. You get Angel before and after death and we ladies get Monkey before and after death..
:)))
Man: Today I went to a store to buy latest version of iPhone..
Lady: Then.. did you buy??
Man: No, because than you shouted... Come on get up, getting late.. fast.. and my dream broken!!!
Stand back or I will beat you with my bear hands..
Husband: Which quality you noticed in me that you got agree for our marriage?
Wife: Nothing, just seen from my balcony that you ware washing clothes and dishes..
My wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.
Wife: Do you know what a man gets after he dies?
Man: Yes, A beautiful Angel
Wife: What about woman?
Man: She gets Monkey...
Wife: This is not fair.. You get Angel before and after death and we ladies get Monkey before and after death..
:)))
Man: Today I went to a store to buy latest version of iPhone..
Lady: Then.. did you buy??
Man: No, because than you shouted... Come on get up, getting late.. fast.. and my dream broken!!!
Stand back or I will beat you with my bear hands..
Husband: Which quality you noticed in me that you got agree for our marriage?
Wife: Nothing, just seen from my balcony that you ware washing clothes and dishes..
Nice Decent Clean Funny Jokes
'If you want to read Nice and Decent Clean and Funny Jokes then it is the best place for your fun desires and laughter needs. Undoubtedly, you can share these modest jokes with your family, friends, relatives, elders and younger siblings.'
Very Neat - Very Funny - Responsive - Cute - Evergreen - General
General:
It takes patience to list.. But it takes skill to pretend you are listening.
The moment when you try to tell your parents a Joke and they turn it into a life lecturer!!!
Me: Do you like to travel?
Him: Yes, alot..
Me: How many places visited?
Him: Home to college - College to home.. LOL
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF STUPID PEOPLE IN LARGE GROUP..
Difference between talent and God gift:
A man can give lecture for 2 hours on many subjects. This is talent
A woman can give lecture for 2 hour without any subject - this is a God gift!
What two things can never be eaten for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner
What is so special about Pretty Bunny’s jewellery?
It is made from 14 carrot (carrat) gold
Where can you always find a tiger’s head?
Four feet from its tail.
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
How do you make one disappear?
Add a ‘g’ or an ‘n’ to ‘one’!
Very Funny:
if a girl says - I don't like shopping...than marry her!
After making girlfriends, guys actually know how costly the life style is.
Wife: What is the spelling of Happiness
Husband: U.N.M.A.R.R.I.E.D.
Some kids are so cute that after seeing them - we desire to meet their moms..
Beggar Gets 10 cents from madam on red light.
Her shouts: this is not fair..
Madam: Why?
Beggar: One last red light, you donated USD 10..
Mada,m: How did you know?
Beggar: While showing his apple phone, see he shouted in group on whatsapp!
Kid: My teacher is cute and beautiful.
Dad: Son, teacher is like mother.
Kid: Selfish, you always think o your self.
Responsive:
How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree?
A wave.
Something a bridegroom might wear: 'A dress..'
Dr: When did you first notice you had diarrhea?
Patient: When I took off my bicycle clips.
Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: 'Feeds your pets..'
My girlfriend told me choose any one - "friends or me". Sometimes I miss her.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
*Stalks crush on Facebook*... *Accidentally likes status from 2009*... *Deletes Facebook*... *Sets computer on fire*... *Leaves country*
What do a mole and an eagle have in common?
They both live underground, apart from the eagle.
Cute:
Girl's logic: When you like a guy, do nothing about it and expect him to magically know and make the first move.
You breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
Something that makes you close your eyes: "Dark.."
What's the difference between driving in golf and driving a car?
When you drive a car you don't want to hit anything.
Wife : Do you want meal?
Husband: What are my choices?
Wife: Denial or acceptance.
Evergreen:
The pig who fell in the DIRTY MUD took a CLEAN bath
The robber who was robbing was caught by a GOOD policeman
Very Neat
Teacher: which book helped you a-lot in your life..
Student: My father's check book!
Child : With report card in hand..
Mother: So whats your final grade?
Child : Underwater
Mother : what does that mean?
Child: Below C LEVEL (Sea.. you know..)
When are the steps rude????
When they stair at you!
Age is an issue of mind oer matter.. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.. - Mark
Kld : (returning from his match in his floor) "Mom", can I have an apple?
Mom: Baby, you just ate one.
Kid: An apple a day keeps the doctor away and I just broke his window.
When they argue with women - I feel they are wasting time. You know when you read terms & conditions - finally at the end, you need to say 'I agree'. haha
Weather forecast for tonight - DARK
Practice - makes us perfect.. But at the end nobody is perfect so what is the point of practicing?
Now jump to Funny Quotes
Very Neat - Very Funny - Responsive - Cute - Evergreen - General
General:
It takes patience to list.. But it takes skill to pretend you are listening.
The moment when you try to tell your parents a Joke and they turn it into a life lecturer!!!
Me: Do you like to travel?
Him: Yes, alot..
Me: How many places visited?
Him: Home to college - College to home.. LOL
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF STUPID PEOPLE IN LARGE GROUP..
Difference between talent and God gift:
A man can give lecture for 2 hours on many subjects. This is talent
A woman can give lecture for 2 hour without any subject - this is a God gift!
What two things can never be eaten for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner
What is so special about Pretty Bunny’s jewellery?
It is made from 14 carrot (carrat) gold
Where can you always find a tiger’s head?
Four feet from its tail.
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
How do you make one disappear?
Add a ‘g’ or an ‘n’ to ‘one’!
Very Funny:
if a girl says - I don't like shopping...than marry her!
After making girlfriends, guys actually know how costly the life style is.
Wife: What is the spelling of Happiness
Husband: U.N.M.A.R.R.I.E.D.
Some kids are so cute that after seeing them - we desire to meet their moms..
Beggar Gets 10 cents from madam on red light.
Her shouts: this is not fair..
Madam: Why?
Beggar: One last red light, you donated USD 10..
Mada,m: How did you know?
Beggar: While showing his apple phone, see he shouted in group on whatsapp!
Kid: My teacher is cute and beautiful.
Dad: Son, teacher is like mother.
Kid: Selfish, you always think o your self.
Responsive:
How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree?
A wave.
Something a bridegroom might wear: 'A dress..'
Dr: When did you first notice you had diarrhea?
Patient: When I took off my bicycle clips.
Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: 'Feeds your pets..'
My girlfriend told me choose any one - "friends or me". Sometimes I miss her.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
*Stalks crush on Facebook*... *Accidentally likes status from 2009*... *Deletes Facebook*... *Sets computer on fire*... *Leaves country*
What do a mole and an eagle have in common?
They both live underground, apart from the eagle.
Cute:
Girl's logic: When you like a guy, do nothing about it and expect him to magically know and make the first move.
You breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
Something that makes you close your eyes: "Dark.."
What's the difference between driving in golf and driving a car?
When you drive a car you don't want to hit anything.
Wife : Do you want meal?
Husband: What are my choices?
Wife: Denial or acceptance.
Evergreen:
The pig who fell in the DIRTY MUD took a CLEAN bath
The robber who was robbing was caught by a GOOD policeman
Very Neat
Teacher: which book helped you a-lot in your life..
Student: My father's check book!
Child : With report card in hand..
Mother: So whats your final grade?
Child : Underwater
Mother : what does that mean?
Child: Below C LEVEL (Sea.. you know..)
When are the steps rude????
When they stair at you!
Age is an issue of mind oer matter.. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.. - Mark
Kld : (returning from his match in his floor) "Mom", can I have an apple?
Mom: Baby, you just ate one.
Kid: An apple a day keeps the doctor away and I just broke his window.
When they argue with women - I feel they are wasting time. You know when you read terms & conditions - finally at the end, you need to say 'I agree'. haha
Weather forecast for tonight - DARK
Practice - makes us perfect.. But at the end nobody is perfect so what is the point of practicing?
Now jump to Funny Quotes
Top 100 Knock Knock Jokes for Kids
'Do you know the best-known format of the pun in the style of "call and answer" exercise? A kind of role-play type of game, with a punster and a recipient of wit. Yes, Knock knock jokes for kids! So enjoy here Top 100 best out of them.'
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Spell..
Spell Who?
Ok, W. H. O...
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Anee.
Anee,who?
Anee one you like!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cows go
Cows go who?
Cows go moo not who.
knock knock
who's there
Andy!
Andy who
Andy bit me again owwwwwwwwwwww.
submitted by: Ruby
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was
in his apple.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dwen
Dwen who?
Dwen the bathroom
I'm dweening!
Joke submitted by:Elizabeth
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cow’s go
Cow’s go who?
Cow’s don’t go who, they go moo!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did
you get it?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my home
Knock Knock
Who is there?
Tank..
Tank who?
You are welcome!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
I eat map.
I eat map who?
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
This knock knock Joke submitted by Katniss Everdeen
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in it’s cold out here.
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo Hoo?
Don't cry, it's just me!
This joke has been submitted by Ray York
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Who
Who Who?
l Didn't know you were an owl!
HARDEE HAR HAR
By: Leroy Jenkins
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you a owl?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Knock-knock
Who's there?
A pile-up.
A pile-up who?
Knock, knock
Who's there
Angelina Jolie
Angelina Jolie who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
(mime overdone horror) Oops! I did it again!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
Knock-knock-
Who's there?
Poop
Poop-who?
HAHA YOu SAID POO-POO
submitted by Ryan
Knock Knock
Who is there?
Broken Pencil..
Broken pencil who?
Never mind.. It's pointless!
Knock Knock
Who's There
Cargo
Cargo who?
Car go beep beep!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honey bee.
Honey bee who?
Honey bee a dear and get me a soda!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting doctor.
Interrup-You have cancer.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?
Knock Knock
Who is there?
Pasta..
Pasta who?
Pasta La Vista Baby!
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
BenBen who?
Ben knocking on the door all afternoon!
Who's there?
Radio!
Radio who?
Radi-o not, here i come..
Who's there?
Thistle.
Thistle who?
Thistle have to hold you until dinner's ready..
Who's there?
Owls!
Owls who?
That's right owls hoo..
Who's there?
Ears!
Ears who?
Ears some more knock knock jokes for you..
Knock knock
Who's there?
Me!
Me who?
Wow they were not kidding when they said you got hit in the head!
submitted by Annalisse
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
To!
To who?
To whom.
Knock, Knock.
Who's There?
Howard
Howard who?
Howard I know?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Xavier!
Xavier who?
Xavier breath and open the door!
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
I did up.
I did up who?
AHAHAHA. YOU DID A POO!
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Mikey!
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn't fit in the keyhole!
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow!
Interrupt--
Moo!!!
knock knock
who's there?
your butt
your butt who?
yeah your butt poops
submitted by:- Angelina garcia
why did sally drop her ice cream... she got hit by a bus.... knock knock.... who's there???? not Sally.
submitted by Adrianna and Lexi
Knock knock!
Who's there?
I.
I who?
Oh my gosh! The amnesia is worse that I thought!
knock knock
who's there
you
you who?
eeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr you are doing a flat poo!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Shelby
Shelby Who?
Shelby coming round the mountain when she comes...
submitted by Catherine Bowdidge
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Little old lady
Little old lad who?
WOW! I didn't know you can yodel! Sub. by: Melessa South
Knock knock
Who's there
John
John who
I thought you were John hahahan
knock knock
who's there?
your Ethiopian
your Ethiopia who?
Ethin you let me in, or I opian the door!!
submitted by:- Angelina garcia
why did sally drop her ice cream... she got hit by a bus.... knock knock.... who's there???? not Sally.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Spell..
Spell Who?
Ok, W. H. O...
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Anee.
Anee,who?
Anee one you like!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cows go
Cows go who?
Cows go moo not who.
knock knock
who's there
Andy!
Andy who
Andy bit me again owwwwwwwwwwww.
submitted by: Ruby
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was
in his apple.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dwen
Dwen who?
Dwen the bathroom
I'm dweening!
Joke submitted by:Elizabeth
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cow’s go
Cow’s go who?
Cow’s don’t go who, they go moo!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did
you get it?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my home
Knock Knock
Who is there?
Tank..
Tank who?
You are welcome!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
I eat map.
I eat map who?
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
This knock knock Joke submitted by Katniss Everdeen
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in it’s cold out here.
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo Hoo?
Don't cry, it's just me!
This joke has been submitted by Ray York
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Who
Who Who?
l Didn't know you were an owl!
HARDEE HAR HAR
By: Leroy Jenkins
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you a owl?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Knock-knock
Who's there?
A pile-up.
A pile-up who?
Knock, knock
Who's there
Angelina Jolie
Angelina Jolie who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
(mime overdone horror) Oops! I did it again!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
Knock-knock-
Who's there?
Poop
Poop-who?
HAHA YOu SAID POO-POO
submitted by Ryan
Knock Knock
Who is there?
Broken Pencil..
Broken pencil who?
Never mind.. It's pointless!
Knock Knock
Who's There
Cargo
Cargo who?
Car go beep beep!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honey bee.
Honey bee who?
Honey bee a dear and get me a soda!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting doctor.
Interrup-You have cancer.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?
Knock Knock
Who is there?
Pasta..
Pasta who?
Pasta La Vista Baby!
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
BenBen who?
Ben knocking on the door all afternoon!
Who's there?
Radio!
Radio who?
Radi-o not, here i come..
Who's there?
Thistle.
Thistle who?
Thistle have to hold you until dinner's ready..
Who's there?
Owls!
Owls who?
That's right owls hoo..
Who's there?
Ears!
Ears who?
Ears some more knock knock jokes for you..
Knock knock
Who's there?
Me!
Me who?
Wow they were not kidding when they said you got hit in the head!
submitted by Annalisse
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
To!
To who?
To whom.
Knock, Knock.
Who's There?
Howard
Howard who?
Howard I know?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Xavier!
Xavier who?
Xavier breath and open the door!
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
I did up.
I did up who?
AHAHAHA. YOU DID A POO!
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Mikey!
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn't fit in the keyhole!
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow!
Interrupt--
Moo!!!
knock knock
who's there?
your butt
your butt who?
yeah your butt poops
submitted by:- Angelina garcia
why did sally drop her ice cream... she got hit by a bus.... knock knock.... who's there???? not Sally.
submitted by Adrianna and Lexi
Knock knock!
Who's there?
I.
I who?
Oh my gosh! The amnesia is worse that I thought!
knock knock
who's there
you
you who?
eeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr you are doing a flat poo!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Shelby
Shelby Who?
Shelby coming round the mountain when she comes...
submitted by Catherine Bowdidge
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Little old lady
Little old lad who?
WOW! I didn't know you can yodel! Sub. by: Melessa South
Knock knock
Who's there
John
John who
I thought you were John hahahan
knock knock
who's there?
your Ethiopian
your Ethiopia who?
Ethin you let me in, or I opian the door!!
submitted by:- Angelina garcia
why did sally drop her ice cream... she got hit by a bus.... knock knock.... who's there???? not Sally.
Male or Female
Hey why are you laughing so hard
Me: Just look at that man with the curly hair and white jeans. Is it a male or female?
It’s a girl and my daughter.
Me: ops, so sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
Excuse me, I’m not her father but her mother!
Me: Just look at that man with the curly hair and white jeans. Is it a male or female?
It’s a girl and my daughter.
Me: ops, so sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
Excuse me, I’m not her father but her mother!
Terms and conditions
At a nerd wedding they don't say, "I do."
They say, "I accept the terms and conditions."
They say, "I accept the terms and conditions."
School day
Basic school day..
Me: I hate all of you.
Me: Stop screaming you saw your friend yesterday.
Me: Maybe if I hit my head on my desk I'll die.
Me: I hate all of you.
Me: Stop screaming you saw your friend yesterday.
Me: Maybe if I hit my head on my desk I'll die.
SAVE TREES
Humans are the only creature in this world, who cut the trees, made paper from it and then wrote, "SAVE TREES" on it.
Sole purpose
After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
- P.J. O'Rourke
- P.J. O'Rourke
Light bulb
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know, no hipster has ever tried. Its way too mainstream!
Don't know, no hipster has ever tried. Its way too mainstream!
Woman with two black eyes
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
Nothing, you already told her twice.
Letter of apology
My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company..
Hard to find men
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Husband and a new dog
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Next to you
That awkward moment when your mom sits down next to you while you're on the your laptop.
List of Funny Jokes
Here is the smart collection of your favorite funny jokes, so just choose, read and enjoy.'
Person with money
When a person with money meets a person with experience, the person with the experience winds up with the money and the person with the money winds up with the experience.
Incomes are like our shoes
Our incomes are like our shoes; if too small, they gall and pinch us; but if too large, they cause us to stumble and to trip.
Made my money
I made my money the old fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.
Ancient China
Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Father: That's true, son.. Everywhere, EVERYWHERE!!!
Father: That's true, son.. Everywhere, EVERYWHERE!!!
Fart and Say
Americans fart and says- excuse me
Britishers fart and says - pardon me
Japanese fart and says - forgive me
Indians fart and says - not me
Britishers fart and says - pardon me
Japanese fart and says - forgive me
Indians fart and says - not me
Know your husband
Why do they call it a T.V. SET when you only get one?
They know your husband is on his way to buy another!
They know your husband is on his way to buy another!
Any Sense
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers
Character of people
"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."
- Sam Ewing
- Sam Ewing
Half-empty
Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.
Only shorter and Korean
My last girlfriend looked like Claudia Schiffer: only shorter and Korean.
- Max Kauffman
- Max Kauffman
High-Five
Oops, my that was not intentional. I did not hit you, I just tried to high-five your face.
Forced to live
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Safe Place
I'm going to be around until the Atomic Energy Commission finds a safe place to bury my liver.
- Phil Harris
- Phil Harris
Announcement
Announcement: Due to budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.
You look like
Coming back home, looking in the mirror, and realizing that you look like that all the day. Oh God!
More mistakes
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history: with the possible exception of handguns and Tequila.
Three places
Doctor, Doctor, my arm is broken in three places.
Well stay out of those places.
- Tommy Cooper
Well stay out of those places.
- Tommy Cooper
Same Boss.
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
Feel Glad
What do you do when you find an endangered animal that eats endangered plants?
You feel glad you're not it!
You feel glad you're not it!
Marriage and Happiness
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
Which One
Marriage is man and a woman becomes one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Getting Married
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
More Eggs
On the other hand... you have different fingers.
or
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
or
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
Help me
I can't find my kitten, can you help me find him? I think she went into this cheap motel room.
Handicapped Parking
How do you keep other vehicles away from handicapped parking bays?
You put up a sign that says: "STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park somewhere ELSE!
You put up a sign that says: "STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park somewhere ELSE!
I'm Gullible
Hey, why are you so cross with your mother today?
Because she told me I'm gullible... and I believed her!
Because she told me I'm gullible... and I believed her!
Get ready
Her: Do you know it takes you more than a hour to get ready.
Him: But you aren't as cute as you think you are.
Him: But you aren't as cute as you think you are.
Childhood is over
Dad: Hey son, your childhood is over!
Son: How?
Dad: Because now you fall asleep on the couch and wake up on the couch.
Son: How?
Dad: Because now you fall asleep on the couch and wake up on the couch.
Another chance
The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.
- Peter De Vries
- Peter De Vries
Practice
Why is it that doctors and lawyers call what they do 'practice'?
It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class.
It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class.
Buy Barbie
Why do you have to buy Barbie a friend called Ken if she is so popular?
Same happened to Paris Hilton, she didn't get her dog for free!
Same happened to Paris Hilton, she didn't get her dog for free!
Jumping from a table
I asked from a dwarf: What are you doing?
Him: Suicide:
Me: But you are jumping from a table!
Him: Suicide:
Me: But you are jumping from a table!
I am not short
Why are you staring at me?
You are so short?
Correction, I am not short, my height is just cute :-)
You are so short?
Correction, I am not short, my height is just cute :-)
Suggestion for Marriage
Me asked to my best friend: What will you suggest your kids for marriage?
Him: I will never marry anyone in my entire life and the same advice I'll give to my kids.
Him: I will never marry anyone in my entire life and the same advice I'll give to my kids.
Age problems
What are the biggest "age" problems between men and women?
Few women admit theirs and few men act theirs!
Few women admit theirs and few men act theirs!
Divorce
What is the best definition of divorce?
A sign that 2 people can't agree what to fight about!
A sign that 2 people can't agree what to fight about!
Victoria's SECRET
Q: Why do they call the brand Victoria's SECRET if the whole world knows everything about her down to her underwear?
A: I think the secret is she's a man!
A: I think the secret is she's a man!
Long word
Q: Why is 'abbreviated" such a long word?
A: Because AB is used to describe 5 other things and ABBREV sounds like an accelerated muscle?
A: Because AB is used to describe 5 other things and ABBREV sounds like an accelerated muscle?
Higher Studies!
Man: Sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.
His friend asked: What are you doing
He replied: Can not you see? Higher Studies!!
His friend asked: What are you doing
He replied: Can not you see? Higher Studies!!
Swallowing Soap
Man: Doctor, I am so tensed.
Doctor: What is your problem?
Man: I have swallowed soap, will I fart bubbles?
Doctor: What is your problem?
Man: I have swallowed soap, will I fart bubbles?
Were you sleeping?
My friend called me at midnight and asked sorry, were you sleeping?
Me: No way, I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping? You dumb witted moron.
Me: No way, I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping? You dumb witted moron.
Announcing wedding
I was announcing my wedding, and my friend just asked...
Is the boy you’re marrying nice?
Me: No, he’s so miserable, wife-beating, cruel, insensitive lout. It’s just the money!
Is the boy you’re marrying nice?
Me: No, he’s so miserable, wife-beating, cruel, insensitive lout. It’s just the money!
Did that hurt
in passenger train: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on my feet.
Her: Oops, sorry, did that hurt?
Me: Oh, no, not at all. I’m on local anesthesia. Why don’t you try again?
Her: Oops, sorry, did that hurt?
Me: Oh, no, not at all. I’m on local anesthesia. Why don’t you try again?
Humor and Fun for Healthy Life
Life is what we tend to make it. We can live is so sadly, badly or enjoy-fully. So why not make entertaining and worth living. Sharing Top Short Jokes is the best thing when you want to laugh. They can bring happiness for your friends and family. There are lots of things happen in our daily life but after all stresses of life we must try to to find a reason to have fun. One should keep his business life separate from family life. Everyone wants success but you should not forget to live your life. The wise way to live life well is keep smiling and enjoy each moment.
Guess the Name
Sammie's mother has 5 daughters whose name are:
Allie, Christina, Nobie and Laina.
Can you guess the name of the fifth daughter?
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Lol - Sammie!!
Allie, Christina, Nobie and Laina.
Can you guess the name of the fifth daughter?
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.
.
.
.
.
Lol - Sammie!!
Straight Circle
A student was drawing a circle but he made some mistake.
Teacher: What is wrong with you? You draw a straight circle!
Teacher: What is wrong with you? You draw a straight circle!
Much Help
MD: We can't give you any job. We don't need much help right now.
Applicant: That's even good. I really feel I'm just the right person for your company. You see, I won't be of much help anyway.
Applicant: That's even good. I really feel I'm just the right person for your company. You see, I won't be of much help anyway.
End of the Line
Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line?
Kid: I tried, but Miss, there was someone already there!
Kid: I tried, but Miss, there was someone already there!
Not Allowed
"Can i I watch the TV?", asked little Johny from his dad.
"Sure, but you're not allowed to turn it on" dad replied.
"Sure, but you're not allowed to turn it on" dad replied.
Saying 'P'
You would be surprised to know that I know three Things about you:
First: For you, saying "P" is impossible without touching your both lips.
Second: You just tried uttering "P".
Third: You're smiling now!
First: For you, saying "P" is impossible without touching your both lips.
Second: You just tried uttering "P".
Third: You're smiling now!
Laughing
Mother: There are lots of noises coming out from your room. With Whom you are laughing with?
Her: Nobody is here. It's just my laptop.
Her: Nobody is here. It's just my laptop.
Understanding Taxes
What should I do. y kid just don't understand taxes.
You should be practical. Like, you give them example of taxes by eating 35% of their ice cream.
You should be practical. Like, you give them example of taxes by eating 35% of their ice cream.
Chasing Girls
Q: Why do men chase those girls, they have no intention of marrying?
A: For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A: For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Future Tense
Miss: I killed a person with my car - Convert this sentence into future tense.
Kid: The future tense should be "I'll be in jail"
Kid: The future tense should be "I'll be in jail"
Controlling Anger
Man: I noticed that whenever I shout on you or slap you, you never fight back. Even you don't try to prove your pint? How you manage your anger?
Woman: I just take a deep breathe, go to the toilet, clean it toilet with your toothbrush.
Woman: I just take a deep breathe, go to the toilet, clean it toilet with your toothbrush.
Marry with two
Q: Why it is not legal for males to marry with two females.
A: The reason behind this law is you can not get punishment twice for the same Mistake.
A: The reason behind this law is you can not get punishment twice for the same Mistake.
Never understand
The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.
2 Wishes
Once a guy blesses to ask for 2 wishes from God. He demanded for the best wine and the best woman. Next moment, he had the best wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : Always Be Specific!
Female without Male..
Boy: Please understand and accept that no female can live without male..
Girl: How can you say it?
Boy: See - Fe(male)-male
Wo(man)-man
S(he)-he
So never try to be alone.
Girl: How can you say it?
Boy: See - Fe(male)-male
Wo(man)-man
S(he)-he
So never try to be alone.
Word 'Beans'
A teacher asked her students for writing sentences using the word 'beans'
Student: My father grows beans..
Another Student: My father cooks beans
Another one: We are all human beans.
Student: My father grows beans..
Another Student: My father cooks beans
Another one: We are all human beans.
Getting up early
Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?
Student: I get up early Miss!
Student: I get up early Miss!
Outside of Tree
Teacher: Joe, What do you call the outside of a tree?
Student: No idea miss..
Teacher told angrily: Bark, Joe.
Joe: Bow Wow Wow Miss..
Student: No idea miss..
Teacher told angrily: Bark, Joe.
Joe: Bow Wow Wow Miss..
Kind Eyes
Nicky: You have really kind eyes, you know that?
Andy Stitzer: Thanks. Umm... your hat has sequins.
Andy Stitzer: Thanks. Umm... your hat has sequins.
Given up hopes
Nadal: Look, where has being a nice guy gotten you, huh? Of a bridge about to commit suicide? Still wearing Crocs?
Aladeen: What's wrong with Crocs?
Nadal: They are the universal symbol of a man who has given up hope!
Aladeen: What's wrong with Crocs?
Nadal: They are the universal symbol of a man who has given up hope!
A Picture
Yes, it is true that a picture speaks thousand words. But you can not deny that with Photoshop it tells a thousand lies too.
Sick and Tired
I am getting sick and tired of people who make jokes about Justin Bieber...
Leave her alone !!
Leave her alone !!
Irritating Replies
List of Irritating Replies:
k
Nope
Yeah2
ROTFL
So
OK
oh
yup
lol
haha
k
Chilling
nah
Than
Same here
k
Nope
Yeah2
ROTFL
So
OK
oh
yup
lol
haha
k
Chilling
nah
Than
Same here
Best Jokes Ever
'You must not be having lots of time to explore all the scrap stuff to find out best. So here is the shortcut to skip to directly world's best jokes ever because excess of laughter never hurts.'
Q: What do bullies and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What is yellow but can't swim?
A: A bulldozer.
Q: What's Forrest Gump's password?
A: 1forrest1
I imagine if ever make my mind to go to job without clothes what benefits I gonna get:
Nothing brightens my day more than the sun.
If at first you don't succeed, try management
What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller...... Mario
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
Yeah, many times I end up headbutting the mirror when I try to hug someone so adorable.
My lifetime experience says that we must aim low, reach our goals and avoid disappointment.
At work i love to gargle with water.
What if I laugh during inappropriate situations.
In my life plans always fail and the best things are usually unplanned, random, and spontaneous.
You must understand the meaning/thoughts behind those attractive Job ads.
Q: What do bullies and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What is yellow but can't swim?
A: A bulldozer.
Q: What's Forrest Gump's password?
A: 1forrest1
I imagine if ever make my mind to go to job without clothes what benefits I gonna get:
- It helps to stop those creepy programmers from staring down to your shirt.
- No one dare to steals my chair.
- Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
- Companions will never stealing my pens after they've seen where you keep them.
- It's an inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
- And ... ROTFL ... the ultimate benefit.. My boss will never say: I wanna see your as in here by 9:00!
Nothing brightens my day more than the sun.
If at first you don't succeed, try management
What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller...... Mario
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
Yeah, many times I end up headbutting the mirror when I try to hug someone so adorable.
My lifetime experience says that we must aim low, reach our goals and avoid disappointment.
At work i love to gargle with water.
What if I laugh during inappropriate situations.
In my life plans always fail and the best things are usually unplanned, random, and spontaneous.
You must understand the meaning/thoughts behind those attractive Job ads.
- Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience: You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
- Problem-solving skills a must: You're walking into perpetual chaos.
- Good communication skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
- Competitive salary means We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
- Requires team leadership skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
- Casual work atmosphere means they don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
- Some overtime: Some every night and some every weekend.
- Join our fast-paced company: We have no time to train you.
- Duties will vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
- Must have an eye for detail: We have no quality assurance.
- Career-minded: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
- Apply in person: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.
Broke Yours
Girl while having shower with her boyfriend looks down and asks: Can I touch it?
Boys replies: Nope, you already broke yours off!
Boys replies: Nope, you already broke yours off!
Red Nose
Teacher: Why is your nose red?
Jackie: I smelled a b-rose.
Teacher: But there is no "b" in rose.
Jackie: There was in this one!
Jackie: I smelled a b-rose.
Teacher: But there is no "b" in rose.
Jackie: There was in this one!
How many potatoes
I was having dinner with my boss and his spouse and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?".
I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please".
She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite"
"Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"
I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please".
She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite"
"Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"
Brain is missing
Haha I am a virus and I am going to enter into your brain..
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Sorry I have to leave, I can't find it.
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Sorry I have to leave, I can't find it.
Do you need company?
A girl was sitting at a bar. A man approaches her.
Hi dear. Wanna have a little company?
Do you have one to sell? Girl asks.
Hi dear. Wanna have a little company?
Do you have one to sell? Girl asks.
Chicken crossing the road?
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Most probably to buy drugs!
or
To Escape North Koreas long rang missiles!
or
To meet your girlfriend!
or
Because you don't cook them!
---
What do you call a running chicken?
Poultry in motion...
A: Most probably to buy drugs!
or
To Escape North Koreas long rang missiles!
or
To meet your girlfriend!
or
Because you don't cook them!
---
What do you call a running chicken?
Poultry in motion...
Lion Talk
Q: What did the lion say to the octopus?
A: Nothing, lions can't talk. Even if they did the chances of a lion and octopus meeting are very slim.
A: Nothing, lions can't talk. Even if they did the chances of a lion and octopus meeting are very slim.
And he Broke His Neck
And a guy walks into a bar. Except it was a metal bar, like a pole.
So he broke his neck!
So he broke his neck!
Yellow and really good at mathematics
Q: What is yellow and really good at mathematics?
A: A yellow calculator.
A: A yellow calculator.
Top 100 Short Funny Quotes to Kill Boredom and to Spread Laughter
Hilarious Funny Quotes are tend to be written to create the ambience full of Fun and Laughter. These short quotes are too funny that you can't stop yourself from laughing like crazies although this stuff also inspire and motivate us. So without wasting much time, here we bring those top 100 Funny Quotes and Sayings with illustration to make your day full of enjoyment.
Behind every successful woman, is a basket of dirty laundry.
- Sally Forth
Illustration: The above quote replaces the old proverb and expresses if a woman is successful, she must be skipping all the works of home. It shows the ignorance of women who work only and do not care about family life. Here the satire on business/service women in a humorous way. Take it easy you successful tycoons, it is just for fun. Don't mind it.
The moment when you friend borrows your bike for a day and don't put any OIL but when returns you - gives you advise that it needs service..:(((
Moment: The moment of laughter here is that the person taking your property and while giving it back, instead of being thankful to you, he gives you some lecture. Deep in heart, you feel like throwing him out of this planet.
Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
- Anonymous
Illustration: How smartly they pull leg of married people. Romance seems too good before marriage but you really fed up with it after getting married because expectations go too high and your romantic hero disappears in catching them.
I think, therefore I'm single.
- Female philosopher
Punch-Line: What a wit! Gone those day, when people think only for success. After all success means live your life a fullest. So he thinks of best life which ends when you get marry! Isn't it?
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Illustration: Lol! Lazy people are really so tactful. They just want to stay always from any hard work by finding some smart way of doing things and that is what people want.
I have two daughters, both are girls!
Illustration: Sometimes people say the answer in starting and again they repeat it and that is what makes them look like a fool. Hey man, if you have two daughters, it is understood that they are females.
I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
- Michael Prichard
Illustration: What a wise thought by Michael! They always report same counting of people because as one man goes out then one baby comes in. So it always remains equal.
Boys lie more, but girls lie better.
Illustration: This quote favors boys. What if males lie a lot. Girls are one step ahead, they say it too but never get caught. Smart chicks.
I hate when I'm about to hug someone really nice and my face hits the mirror.
Illustration: Awkward situation. But what should I do as I don't find anyone more attractive and smart as me. So whenever I stand in front of mirror, unknowingly accident happens.
"ARE YOU ASLEEP??" "No I was in comma , thanks for saving me."
Illustration: Good punch for those people who never stop asking strange questions. Obviously, I am taking a nap and you are disturbing me for no reasons.
If we lose this war, I'll just start another in my wife's name.
- Moshe Dayan
Illustration: Sorry but again a good joke on wives. They keep on fighting and never loose! So better to start any fight with wife's name to ensure your victory.
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce
Illustration: Love is blind. It's a kind of madness. People do lots of fights, arguments, sacrifices for it's sake. But after marriage - Real life starts!
If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun.
- Benjamin Franklin
Illustration: Aha! One of the right punch on bald people and this is true too. How can they dare to walk under the heat of sun with no hair on head. This gonna force them run like crazy to find some shelter.
Illustration: Really, it is not an easy task to handle a female for life time. Our smart experienced author Mr. Balzac warns men to attend some special training or program on marriages so that they could bear the pressure of coming tough life after getting engaged.
Police arrested two kids yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
- Tommy Cooper
Illustration: Here a quick satire at police officers. This quote says that what they need is only their own benefit. They use people to get their work done. Where is that Public service? Why do they not understand their duty please.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
USP: :Nowadays, people are very restless. They have closed their eyes and even they do not know what they are doing. They are just following the crowd. So here author throw sarcasm on those human beings who don't know their purpose of life. Please stop digging this hole because you are the only one who is going deeper into this.
Drawing is like making an expressive gesture with the advantage of permanence.
- Henri Matisse
Nelson Mandela, He’s been out of prison for 16 years and hasn’t re-offended. I think he’s going straight. Which shows you, prison works.
- Ricky Gervais
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers.
- Judith Martin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
- George Carlin
Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?
- Nipsey Russel
As he was valiant, I honor him. But as he was ambitious, I slew him.
- William Shakespeare
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
- George Burns
Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.
- Oscar Wilde
"Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises."
"All the things I like to do are either illegal, immoral or fattening."
"A wise man once said 'I don't know, go ask a woman'."
"Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness, hasn't been shopping at the right malls."
What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you 'turn up missing'?
- Kevin Hart
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
- Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
Don't like me? Cool. I don't wake up to impress you everyday.
I know you want me. You’re so right. I want you to leave.
Jealousy is a terrible disease please get well soon dumb!
My toughest fight was with my first wife. –Muhammad Ali
Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
- Judith Viorst
Go home winter. You're drunk.
Sometimes i ask to my farts: "why now??"
I'm eating just in case I get hungry in the future.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
- Rodney Dangerfield
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
You must lose everything in order to gain anything.
- Brad Pitt
Me after 50 seconds of running: I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing.
My life is a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" moments.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
- Bill Watterson
Every night, it's an endless battle between Sleep and The Internet...
Can I ask a very pregnant librarian if she's overdue?
Hardest thing to answer: Describe yourself.
The feeling you get after finishing your last exam...
That moment of joy when you find money in your pocket.
She- I love you.
Me- Yeah I love me too.
I wish I had a cute laugh but instead I sound like a dying seal.
I don't hate you. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Just before 10 second of that romantic scene - your parents walk in.
Things I'm bad at: singing.
Things I do a lot: sing
If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old.
The awkward moment when the person you didn't want to invite somewhere, asks if they can come with you.
Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.
- Isadora Duncan
I'm too lazy to text, unless you're important to me..or you're hot or beautiful.
I spent my entire childhood wishing I was older. Now I'm older... and it kills.
Me: I wanna go on a diet. Food: Lol, no.
Money is not a problem. The problem is I don't have any of it.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A Gummy Bear!
Don't make fun of fat girls, elephants never forget.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" and they laugh.
There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
- Oscar Wilde
It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.
- Anne Sexton
Illustration: Here person is smartly saying that only thing which matters is name/fame. Everybody has a father but my father should be special. He must have earned that status to make me feel great. How witty the son is..LOL
You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
"This suspense is terrible. I hope it lasts."
- Oscar Wilde
Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker.
- Ogden Nash
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown
Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. - Jon Stewart
The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
- Leo J. Burke
Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love.
– Benjamin Disraeli
Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
- Stanislaw J. Lem
Worst moment when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick.
We all experience this moment. It is really so difficult but we have to be sober to that person to showcase our goodself and in alone we also laugh and express our imagination. it is really funny..
Sometime I want to move as little as I can just to show people I am Live.
A good presentation of lazy people tendency. They are too lazy and would like to postpone everything always. But anyway, just tolerate..
I am very very productive, but only on those last 5 minutes.
So true, we human beings do everything so slowly and work like a very productive machine in last minute rush.. Sad but reality.
Love is when he is rich and still loves you:)
I managed to call my Apple charger - Apple Juice.
I love you baby but when I see another more attractive - I often think to re-think!
Reason Behind Being Good
"A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world... Ops, sorry! That’s wine. Wine does that."
Don't Take Any Tension
"Hey Mom and Dad.. Why you take so tensions? No need to worry. Everyone failed that test."
I Love Doing Everything
You know, I love doing everything. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I would love to punch in the face.
Got a new girlfriend
Son: Hi dad! I got a new girlfriend.
Dad: Great son, is she hot?
Son: Hell yeah!
Girl: Hi Dad! I got a boyfriend!
Dad: *In full anger - Loading shotgun*
Dad: Great son, is she hot?
Son: Hell yeah!
Girl: Hi Dad! I got a boyfriend!
Dad: *In full anger - Loading shotgun*
Planning to throw a party
I am planning to throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many morons act wasted.
Success is like
Success is like pregnancy, everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got f.c.k.d. to achieve it.
Girl's point of view
She told me to see things from a girl's point of view, so I looked out the kitchen window.
I feel like
When they Have a smoke in a restaurant.. I feel like they are peeing in a pool. So disgusting!
Why women live longer than men
It is true that women live longer than men. But the real reason behind this... is that they don`t have to live with women.
Technology and Paper
They say that technology will replace paper. Do they ever tried to wipe that with an iPad.
Liking Most
Boy: What you like most?
Girl: Hmm..
Boy: Water?
Girl: Yes..
Boy: Thanks for liking 70% of me!
Girl: Hmm..
Boy: Water?
Girl: Yes..
Boy: Thanks for liking 70% of me!
Bartender and Sandwich.
What did the bartender say to a Sandwich.
Sorry we don't serve food in here!
Sorry we don't serve food in here!
All Men are Same
The woman who invented the line, "All men are the same." was a chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China.
Preacher's Sermon
Once a sweet little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
I would do anything
Leena comes to professor's office after school hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly & says "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything!"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Go and...study!."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything!"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Go and...study!."
How Old Are You
A Female walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"Well, honey, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise."
"That's amazing, "the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-Two"
"Well, honey, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise."
"That's amazing, "the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-Two"
Please read only lines 1, 3, and 5.
A tall well built woman with good
reputation who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical misic and tal-
king without getting too serious.
reputation who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical misic and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Yo Mama Jokes
'Enjoy the very good collection of Yo Mama Jokes. They gonna make you feel too good and you will laugh out loud.'
Yo Mama So Ugly, When She Walked By To Pick Up Her Newspaper The Newspaper Ran Back Into The Mailbox. submitted by Paige Wilson
Your mama is so freaking stupid that she got hit by a parked car. submitted by - Alyssa
Yo mama is so old, her breast milk is like baby power. submitted by - Skye Clarke
Yo mama so ugly, her reflection committed suicide.
Yo mama so hairy, big foot saw her and run for his life.
Your mama so fat they change the name of internet to world wide yo mama
Your mamas so fat she jumped into the pool with everyone yelling tsunami
Yo mamma so fat her belly-flop actually has effective damage
your mama is so fat when it was raining outside she put on a yellow rain coat and the people walking by said taxi can u give me a ride home please!
Yo mama so fat everybody says "party with the whales!"
Your mamas so fat she sat on lows an lowered the prices!! :D
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and it broke.
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and died.
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and wondered how that piece of crap got in her bathroom.
Yo mama so skinny she was marked absent for standing sideways.
Yo mama so skinny she can dodge rain.
Yo mama so skinny she stepped on the scale and it said "Next please."
Yo mama so skinny she gave a new name to anorexia.
Yo mama so skinny she stepped on the scale and it said "air cannot be weighed."
Yo mama's so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo mama so stupid that when she threw a rock on the ground, she missed.
Yo mama so stupid, she got locked up in a grocery store and starved.
Yo mama so stupid, she stole free bread.
Yo mama so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
Yo mama so stupid, she was chained to a water fountain and died of dehydration
Yo mama so stupid, he told this joke.
Yo mama so stupid, she took a ruler to bed just to see how long she slept.
Yo mama is so stupid, she sold her car for gas money!
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck
Yo mama so ugly she went to the haunted house on Halloween and came out with a job application
Yo mama so fat that Christopher Columbus claimed her as "the new world"
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the swimming pool and everyone yelled TSUNAMI!
Yo mama so fat she gotta wear watches on both arms to keep the time zone
Yo mama so fat that when she goes to the movies she sits beside everyone
Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo mama so ugly that when she entered the ugly contest and got kicked out because they said "no professionals"
Yo mama is like a vacuum, she sucks, she blows, and gets laid in the closet!
Yo mama is so ugly, she turned Medusa into stone.
Yo mama is so fat, she can't even fit in a chat room.
Yo momma so fat that when she wears a rain coat, she looks like a school bus!
Yo mama is a hose pipe, the gardener turns her on.
Yo mama is like a rugby field, everybody can try.
Yo mama is like a tie, everybody knows how to do her.
Yo mama so fat, she jumped and got stuck.
Yo mama so stupid and fat, when she saw a school bus full of white children, she said, "Stop that Twinkie!!!!!"
Yo mama so fat, when she got on the scale it read, "One at a time please!"
Yo mama is so stupid, she returned a puzzle because she thought it was broken.
Yo mama so fat, when the doorbell rang, she ran straight to the microwave!
Yo mama so ugly, she makes blind kids cry.
Yo mama is so fat, she uses all of Phoenix, Arizona as her tanning bed.
Yo mama is so dumb, she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.
Yo mama is so dumb, when you left for school on the school bus, she ran after saying "TWINKIE I WANT MY TWINKIE"
Yo mama so big, she uses a mattress as a tampon.
Yo mama so hairy, when you popped out, you got carpet burn.
Yo mama so fat, when she went swimming at the beach, the whales came out and sang "We Are Family."
Yo mama is so fat, she sat on Wal-mart and lowered the prices!
Yo mama is so ugly, she entered an ugly contest and got kicked out!
Now read most lovable Knock Knock Jokes and Best Funny Jokes to enjoy more.
Yo Mama So Ugly, When She Walked By To Pick Up Her Newspaper The Newspaper Ran Back Into The Mailbox. submitted by Paige Wilson
Your mama is so freaking stupid that she got hit by a parked car. submitted by - Alyssa
Yo mama is so old, her breast milk is like baby power. submitted by - Skye Clarke
Yo mama so ugly, her reflection committed suicide.
Yo mama so hairy, big foot saw her and run for his life.
Your mama so fat they change the name of internet to world wide yo mama
Your mamas so fat she jumped into the pool with everyone yelling tsunami
Yo mamma so fat her belly-flop actually has effective damage
your mama is so fat when it was raining outside she put on a yellow rain coat and the people walking by said taxi can u give me a ride home please!
Yo mama so fat everybody says "party with the whales!"
Your mamas so fat she sat on lows an lowered the prices!! :D
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and it broke.
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and died.
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and wondered how that piece of crap got in her bathroom.
Yo mama so skinny she was marked absent for standing sideways.
Yo mama so skinny she can dodge rain.
Yo mama so skinny she stepped on the scale and it said "Next please."
Yo mama so skinny she gave a new name to anorexia.
Yo mama so skinny she stepped on the scale and it said "air cannot be weighed."
Yo mama's so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo mama so stupid that when she threw a rock on the ground, she missed.
Yo mama so stupid, she got locked up in a grocery store and starved.
Yo mama so stupid, she stole free bread.
Yo mama so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
Yo mama so stupid, she was chained to a water fountain and died of dehydration
Yo mama so stupid, he told this joke.
Yo mama so stupid, she took a ruler to bed just to see how long she slept.
Yo mama is so stupid, she sold her car for gas money!
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck
Yo mama so ugly she went to the haunted house on Halloween and came out with a job application
Yo mama so fat that Christopher Columbus claimed her as "the new world"
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the swimming pool and everyone yelled TSUNAMI!
Yo mama so fat she gotta wear watches on both arms to keep the time zone
Yo mama so fat that when she goes to the movies she sits beside everyone
Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo mama so ugly that when she entered the ugly contest and got kicked out because they said "no professionals"
Yo mama is like a vacuum, she sucks, she blows, and gets laid in the closet!
Yo mama is so ugly, she turned Medusa into stone.
Yo mama is so fat, she can't even fit in a chat room.
Yo momma so fat that when she wears a rain coat, she looks like a school bus!
Yo mama is a hose pipe, the gardener turns her on.
Yo mama is like a rugby field, everybody can try.
Yo mama is like a tie, everybody knows how to do her.
Yo mama so fat, she jumped and got stuck.
Yo mama so stupid and fat, when she saw a school bus full of white children, she said, "Stop that Twinkie!!!!!"
Yo mama so fat, when she got on the scale it read, "One at a time please!"
Yo mama is so stupid, she returned a puzzle because she thought it was broken.
Yo mama so fat, when the doorbell rang, she ran straight to the microwave!
Yo mama so ugly, she makes blind kids cry.
Yo mama is so fat, she uses all of Phoenix, Arizona as her tanning bed.
Yo mama is so dumb, she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.
Yo mama is so dumb, when you left for school on the school bus, she ran after saying "TWINKIE I WANT MY TWINKIE"
Yo mama so big, she uses a mattress as a tampon.
Yo mama so hairy, when you popped out, you got carpet burn.
Yo mama so fat, when she went swimming at the beach, the whales came out and sang "We Are Family."
Yo mama is so fat, she sat on Wal-mart and lowered the prices!
Yo mama is so ugly, she entered an ugly contest and got kicked out!
Now read most lovable Knock Knock Jokes and Best Funny Jokes to enjoy more.
Why did the chicken cross the road Jokes
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: Because he wasn't chicken.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because she was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the playground cross the road?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the band recital.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Dinosaurs are extinct, silly!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the possum it could be done.
Q: Why did the abstract surrealist cross the road?
A: Tomato monkey.
Q: Why did the ocean cross the shore?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
A: She wanted to stretch her legs.
Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.
A: To get to the other side.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: Because he wasn't chicken.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because she was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the playground cross the road?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the band recital.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Dinosaurs are extinct, silly!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the possum it could be done.
Q: Why did the abstract surrealist cross the road?
A: Tomato monkey.
Q: Why did the ocean cross the shore?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
A: She wanted to stretch her legs.
Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.
Funny Questions - Answers
Q: What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
Q: What kind of coffee were they serving when the Titanic hit an iceberg?
A: Sanka!
Q: What do Saami reindeer herders say to reindeer who complain?
A: "Venison!"
Q: What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?
A: Lost! REALLY lost! (Penguins live in Antarctica.)
Q: Why aren't penguins as lucky as Arctic murres?
A: The poor old penguins can't go south for the winter.
Q: What do chefs call "Baked Alaska" in Alaska?
A: "Baked Here"
Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.
Q: Why do seals swim in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Q: Where can you find an ocean without any water?
A: On a map!
Q: What eight letters can you find in water from the Arctic Ocean?
A: H to O! (H20)
Q: Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?
A: The outside!
Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers?
A: Leeks!
Q: What did Amaruq say after building an igloo out of crystal clear ice?
A: "Living in a transparent igloo has its disadvantages - but you should see the murres smack it!"
Q: Why didn't the tourist in the Arctic get any sleep?
A: He plugged his electric blanket into the toaster by mistake - and kept popping out of bed all night!
Q: What happened when all the muskox wool that was collected was stolen?
A: The police combed the area.
Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.
Q: What did one Greenland Shark say to the other?
A: "Say, good lookin'... didn't I meet you last night at the feeding frenzy?"
Q: What's a sign that you have an irrational fear of icebergs?
A: You start having water-tight compartments installed in your pants.
Q: What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A: "Dam!"
Q: What do women use to stay young looking in the Arctic?
A: Cold cream.
Q: Why was the Saami herder given an umbrella?
A: Because of the rain, dear.
Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
A: I have no eye deer.
Q: What did one Arctic murre say to the other?
A: "What? We flew 2000 miles for THIS?!"
Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!
Q: What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
A: "Where were you on the night of September to March?"
Q: What noise wakes you up at the North Pole around March 18?
A: The crack of dawn!
Q: If you live in an igloo, what's the worst thing about global warming?
A: No privacy!
Q: What did the walrus say when it was late?
A: "I would have been here sooner, but my iceberg hit a ship."
Q: When are your eyes not eyes?
A: When the cold Arctic wind makes them water!
Q: What did the icy Arctic road say to the truck?
A: "Want to go for a spin?"
Q: What do you use to catch an Arctic hare?
A: A hare net!
Q: What do Arctic hares use to keep their fur lookin' spiffy?
A: Hare spray!
Q: What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A: A receding hare line.
Q: Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean?
A: They're both below C level!
Q: What are caribou calves given to wear?
A: Hoof-me-downs.
Q: If it's zero degrees outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
A: ?????
Q: What did the Arctic wolf ask in the restaurant?
A: "Are these lemmings fresh off the tundra?"
Q: What did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?
A: "You hang around while I go on ahead."
Q: What's another name for ice?
A: Skid stuff!
Q: How do you keep from getting cold feet?
A: Don't go around BRRfooted!
Q: Why is the slippery ice like music?
A: If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!
Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!
Q: Where do seals go to see movies?
A: The dive-in!
Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
A: Owlgebra.
Q: What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
A: Nothing. It just waved. (That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)
Q: What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.
Q: How do you know if there's a snowman in your bed?
A: You wake up wet!
Q: How do you tell the difference between a walrus and an orange?
A: Put your arms around it and squeeze it. If you don't get orange juice, it's a walrus.
Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?
A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...
A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
Q: What kind of coffee were they serving when the Titanic hit an iceberg?
A: Sanka!
Q: What do Saami reindeer herders say to reindeer who complain?
A: "Venison!"
Q: What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?
A: Lost! REALLY lost! (Penguins live in Antarctica.)
Q: Why aren't penguins as lucky as Arctic murres?
A: The poor old penguins can't go south for the winter.
Q: What do chefs call "Baked Alaska" in Alaska?
A: "Baked Here"
Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.
Q: Why do seals swim in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Q: Where can you find an ocean without any water?
A: On a map!
Q: What eight letters can you find in water from the Arctic Ocean?
A: H to O! (H20)
Q: Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?
A: The outside!
Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers?
A: Leeks!
Q: What did Amaruq say after building an igloo out of crystal clear ice?
A: "Living in a transparent igloo has its disadvantages - but you should see the murres smack it!"
Q: Why didn't the tourist in the Arctic get any sleep?
A: He plugged his electric blanket into the toaster by mistake - and kept popping out of bed all night!
Q: What happened when all the muskox wool that was collected was stolen?
A: The police combed the area.
Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.
Q: What did one Greenland Shark say to the other?
A: "Say, good lookin'... didn't I meet you last night at the feeding frenzy?"
Q: What's a sign that you have an irrational fear of icebergs?
A: You start having water-tight compartments installed in your pants.
Q: What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A: "Dam!"
Q: What do women use to stay young looking in the Arctic?
A: Cold cream.
Q: Why was the Saami herder given an umbrella?
A: Because of the rain, dear.
Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
A: I have no eye deer.
Q: What did one Arctic murre say to the other?
A: "What? We flew 2000 miles for THIS?!"
Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!
Q: What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
A: "Where were you on the night of September to March?"
Q: What noise wakes you up at the North Pole around March 18?
A: The crack of dawn!
Q: If you live in an igloo, what's the worst thing about global warming?
A: No privacy!
Q: What did the walrus say when it was late?
A: "I would have been here sooner, but my iceberg hit a ship."
Q: When are your eyes not eyes?
A: When the cold Arctic wind makes them water!
Q: What did the icy Arctic road say to the truck?
A: "Want to go for a spin?"
Q: What do you use to catch an Arctic hare?
A: A hare net!
Q: What do Arctic hares use to keep their fur lookin' spiffy?
A: Hare spray!
Q: What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A: A receding hare line.
Q: Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean?
A: They're both below C level!
Q: What are caribou calves given to wear?
A: Hoof-me-downs.
Q: If it's zero degrees outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
A: ?????
Q: What did the Arctic wolf ask in the restaurant?
A: "Are these lemmings fresh off the tundra?"
Q: What did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?
A: "You hang around while I go on ahead."
Q: What's another name for ice?
A: Skid stuff!
Q: How do you keep from getting cold feet?
A: Don't go around BRRfooted!
Q: Why is the slippery ice like music?
A: If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!
Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!
Q: Where do seals go to see movies?
A: The dive-in!
Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
A: Owlgebra.
Q: What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
A: Nothing. It just waved. (That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)
Q: What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.
Q: How do you know if there's a snowman in your bed?
A: You wake up wet!
Q: How do you tell the difference between a walrus and an orange?
A: Put your arms around it and squeeze it. If you don't get orange juice, it's a walrus.
Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?
A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...
A Smart Maxican
A smart Mexican, a dumb Mexican, Santa, and the Easter bunny are in a race to the middle of a maze. Who would win?
Answer: The dumb Mexican. The other three don't exists!
Answer: The dumb Mexican. The other three don't exists!
Ultimate Hilarious Jokes
Bring smile on your friend's faces by sharing these ultimate hilarious funny jokes. Write you reactions as well. By doing so, you forget pains and troubles for a time being. So whether you are sad or neutral - These material gonna optimize your hours with unstoppable laughter and gonna give you the unforgettable experience ever.
A successful marriage is based on 'Give & Take'
Where husband gives money, gifts, dresses & wife rakes it.
And Wife gives Advices, lecturer, tensions & husband takes it.
----
Innocent boy to a girl at party: Would you like to dance?
Girl smiled and said: Yes.. for sure!
Boy: So can I take this chair?
I don't think I'll ever get the recognition i deserve for being the world's biggest pessimistic narcissist!
My back is not a voice mail. Say it on my face.
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."
The librarian replies, "This is a library."
So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."
If your mom can't find it, it's gone forever.
You want everyone to be great and funny. I'm not saying I'm great, but I'm funny.
Why to keep her at home in witness of all relatives. Keep the problems outside.
Me: Can I copy your homework?
Her: Yeah but the answers are probably all wrong.
Me: I don't care, thanks!
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
Love at first sight. Well I fall in love with girls at every sight.
The funny thing is, I look at these magazines that make me so insecure and neurotic, but I'm in them!
We all know that one guy who makes excuses for everything and can't own up to shit.
An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
What you eat standing up doesn't count.
Girl to girl: "Awhh, you're really pretty!" "Thank you so much, you are too!" Guy to guy: "You're handsome" "Wtf? Dude are you Gy?"
When your parents call you by your full name, you know shit's gonna happen.
Two astronauts are on the moon. One says to the other "Its nice here isn't it?".
The other replies, "Yes, have you got any crisps ?"
I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR.
A german soldier sticks nine jews and an italian soldier into an oven. His commandant demands to know why he put the italian ally in the oven. I was greasing the oven, he replies. -Kurt
1st thief: Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief: Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door.
Me: "Mom... Dad.. I decided to live on my own from now on."
Them: "Ok, cool."
Me: "Your luggage is outside."
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
If that childhood friend is with you - Everyone is getting screwed up.
Kid: I got a 100 marks in school today.
Dad: Wow, what did you get a hundred for?
Kid: Two things -- 50 in English and 50 in Maths.
Pregnancy used to be a beautiful thing. Now it's like, "she pregnant too?" "Oh"
Self control.. please come back to me!
You must continue laughing and enjoyable experience so keep surfing the blog.
A successful marriage is based on 'Give & Take'
Where husband gives money, gifts, dresses & wife rakes it.
And Wife gives Advices, lecturer, tensions & husband takes it.
----
Innocent boy to a girl at party: Would you like to dance?
Girl smiled and said: Yes.. for sure!
Boy: So can I take this chair?
I don't think I'll ever get the recognition i deserve for being the world's biggest pessimistic narcissist!
My back is not a voice mail. Say it on my face.
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."
The librarian replies, "This is a library."
So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."
If your mom can't find it, it's gone forever.
You want everyone to be great and funny. I'm not saying I'm great, but I'm funny.
Why to keep her at home in witness of all relatives. Keep the problems outside.
Me: Can I copy your homework?
Her: Yeah but the answers are probably all wrong.
Me: I don't care, thanks!
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
Love at first sight. Well I fall in love with girls at every sight.
The funny thing is, I look at these magazines that make me so insecure and neurotic, but I'm in them!
We all know that one guy who makes excuses for everything and can't own up to shit.
An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
What you eat standing up doesn't count.
Girl to girl: "Awhh, you're really pretty!" "Thank you so much, you are too!" Guy to guy: "You're handsome" "Wtf? Dude are you Gy?"
When your parents call you by your full name, you know shit's gonna happen.
Two astronauts are on the moon. One says to the other "Its nice here isn't it?".
The other replies, "Yes, have you got any crisps ?"
I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR.
A german soldier sticks nine jews and an italian soldier into an oven. His commandant demands to know why he put the italian ally in the oven. I was greasing the oven, he replies. -Kurt
1st thief: Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief: Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door.
Me: "Mom... Dad.. I decided to live on my own from now on."
Them: "Ok, cool."
Me: "Your luggage is outside."
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
If that childhood friend is with you - Everyone is getting screwed up.
Kid: I got a 100 marks in school today.
Dad: Wow, what did you get a hundred for?
Kid: Two things -- 50 in English and 50 in Maths.
Pregnancy used to be a beautiful thing. Now it's like, "she pregnant too?" "Oh"
Self control.. please come back to me!
You must continue laughing and enjoyable experience so keep surfing the blog.
Top 100 Funny Jokes
'Top 100 best and most hilarious Funny Jokes, enabling you to laugh/entertain alot so that you could gain good health and make people burst with smile! It is never too late to enjoy the life. The best day is today and best time is NOW to have fun with the most special person. So guys - Get, Set and Go to blast everyone with laughter and Cheers!
Besides Chocolate, you rule on top of the list:)
Topics:
Pranks revealed in year 2015-16-17-18-19-20-21-22, Month - November '22 | November '21 | June '21 | Apr '21 | May '20 | April '20 | March '20 | January '19 | November '18 | October '18 | April '18 | March '18 | Feb '18 | Jan '18 | Dec '17 | Nov '17 | September | August '17 | Feb '17 | May '16 | March '15 | July '15 | November '15
November 2022
Girlfriend status update - Feeling awesome Boyfriend comment: I told you pain will be there but feeling will wow...
The pain of body can be forgetted but the pain given by words can never be forgetted..
So Always remeber..
Clos the matter by beating them!
November 2021
Me: There is new movie trailor coming and the name is Constipation
She: When it is coming?
Me: Pushing, results are awaited :))) LOL
June 2021
Hey bro: Me and my girlfriend are getting married..
Him: Wow, Great, congrats.. When?
Me: Thanks, mine is on June 21 and her is on July 15th..
Apr 2021
Distance does not matter my girl...yeah, but fuel matter!
Wife: Come on, get up early , tea is ready. Hubby: Then get it ready, Am I sleeping inside the POT?
Son came home drunk and started working at Laptop. Father: Again you are drunk? Son: No, dad, I am working.. Father: Then why are you working on your briefcase?
May '20:
Me: Easy, just open your front camera! You will hear live..LOL
Boyfriend: If I kiss you, what will you think?
Girlfriend: I will think that a thief who could steal whole car, got satisfied with the Tyre only!
April '20:
March '20:
The lady who invented the term " All men are Same"
WAS Chinese...LOL
Husband: Why do you check Sugar jar before you sleep??
Wife: Because Doctor asked me check my sugar before I go to bed...
When my girl laugh, it just breath out happoness of my heart and eyes...
Once a teacher asked w kid: Tell the future tense of Rain is coming..
Kid answers: The light will go.....
January '19:
Biology teacher told that Cell means: nerves
Physics teacher taught: Cell means Battery
Economy teacher said that Cell means Sale
History teacher told that it means Prison
English teacher instructed that cell means Mobile.
Drop out the school thinking that all teacher don't thing alike but real knowledge given by WIFE who taught that Cell means sale at Malls..OL
November '18:
They asked me - What is MARRIAGE?
A very smart and in depth reply:
Marriage is like 2 wires of electricity
If both wires connected correctly - there is light otherwise BLAST...
October '18:
When I forget to close my Zip.. She laughed and said: Sir, your garage is open..
Me: Did you see my Harley?
Girl: Nope, I saw a mini bike with 2 flat tires.. weird..
To Impress Girls:
Please let me capture your picture so I can show to Santa what I wish for! :)
Were you a camera in previous birth? Because whenever I look at you, I smile ....
When my girl ordered me to kiss where it smells funny..
I flew her to New Jersey!
She called me 'Stupid'!
I do not want to blink because I am afraid to skip a second of your cuteness.. Just kidding..
Would you catch/hold/hug me if I fall for you.
Pain of women: They need to teel their age while vaccination.. LOL!
We men are so nice and clean at heart. You know, whenever you are in bikini, I only see cover parts...
Hug me if I am wrong but Earth is Square..
Men are important part of this world..
Girl: We have lot of others options too!
Boyfriend: Vibrator can't buy you a drink! LOL
I went to crazy people hospital and put 2 stones in my ears and Dr. surprised and asked:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING??
Me: I am listening to Rock music!!:))
To Fascinate a girl: Lister to her, Care for her, respect her, protect her, stand on her side, love her, give her time, be with her, make her feel how special she is..
To Enchant a Boy: Just give him a smile!
Girl: How are you
Me: I am fine..
Girl: How is the study going on?
Boy: See, you are my girlfriend, please do not ask questions like my relatives!
I told my gym trainer about my loss of memory..
and then he asked me to pay in advance..
My female friend is IT professional and when she died.. They say - She went OFFLINE..
You know when my friends say, they are feeling alone: I say I am there with you..
When they say: They need to laugh, I say - Just call me..
But they say: Need money, my number does not exist!
One of my mate's dad asked: Do you drink?
Me: Occasionally, but occasions come Regularly..
April '18:
March '18:
Why don't some couples go to Gym?
Simple, because some relationships don't work out..
A Gym Advertisement:
Tired of Being Fat & Ugly??
JUST BE UGLY..
@ Fitness ZONE!
Feb '18:
So valentine day is near and I thought I should go and talk to that beautiful girl..
NEXT DAY..
Hey congrats me - I have one more sister NOW... :((
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A Garbage Truck ... Hahahah
Jan '18:
Advocate to lady: You were saying that your husband left you after 1 year of marriage.. but you have 3 kid.. How come?
Lady: Yes, he left me but in between he keeps on coming back for forgiveness.
Mother in law: how this glasses have been broken?
Daughter in law: Actually I had fight with husband last night..
Mother in law: OK< then how this bed has been broken? She: Actually, we had patched up.. Dec '17:
If a girl says she hates doing shopping....marry her...!!
I love my 6 pack so much that I hide it with a layer of fat..LOL
While playing a game, i asked an house wife what her favorite card is?
She shouted: Credit Card...
Nov '17:
Hey, why are you itching your hear while having helmet on your head? asked a fellow friend while driving wit his friend? Better remove the helmet and then itch your head.
Man: Stupid, when you get itching in your private parts, do you remove your pant? LOL
Sept '17:
Husband was going to market and wife asks..listen
Please bring something from market which makes me beautiful.
Husband comes back with a bottle of whisky/wine..
Aug '17:
Two men were traveling together, one was Chinese so they saw a mosquito and Chinese grabbed in the fist and eaten.
Again another man saw the mosquito and he grabbed and asked Chinese : will you buy?
Boy: you live in my thoughts, dreams and feelings..
Girl: Bro, someone has made you fool, I live in California.. lol
Wife: Go and hunt a lion so that I can use his skin to decorate my room.
Husband: This is very very tough job, please give me a easy task.
Wife: Give me you mobile and let me read all you chats..
Husband: I think, first task is easy.. :(
May '16:
Admit it, we always say our true feelings with help 'Just Joking'..lol
You know you get perks of working with keyboard factory.. you deserve some extra shiftss...
May '16:
While having food in this summer where temperature is touching 45 degree...
We must say thanks to 3 people..
1st. God 2nd. Farmer 3rd. The person who is making it ready in so high temperature.
Once a kid missing. Their parents and relative put status with photo on social media.
Than next day, he found and came back to home.
Still after 2 years, whenever that kid go out side, people catch him and take him home. Lol
A message in group - Please do not leave the group to go outside s temperature is so high..lol
November '15:
A friend was arguing with me that onion is the only food which gets your tear out.
So I throw a coconut on his face to prove him wrong!
Wife in a mood: I want you to whisper something dirty on me.
Hubby: Your dishes!
What kind of bees make milk?
Boo Bees:)
July:
If girl is with you - Restaurant Bill
If girl is far from you - Mobile bill
If girl is separated from you - Than Bar Bill.
Moral - No Girl - No Bills!
Teacher: What small bee gives you?
Kid: Honey!
Teacher: What small goat gives you?
Kid: Milk!
And what buffalo gives you?
Kid: Home work!
A girl gives a kiss to a baby but left her lipstick spot.
Girl: Oops I am sorry..
Kid: It is ok.. if there are strain while doing something.. strains are good!
March:
Me: Do you have a book for men with small his thing?
Librarian: I don't know if it's in yet.
Me: Yeah that's the one.
Where does a dog search for when it loses his tail?
A retail store.
Curves on women are nice, but curves on final exams are even better.
What are the only kind of trees that grow fingers?
Ummm, Palm trees.
Don't "k" me, you bast....
Rare:
The most annoying moment when you put your status single and your ex likes it!
The past of Eat is ate and the future of ate is weight and the most funny part is that people realize it so too late!
----
Husband on wife's grave.. with a table fan.. crying...
Someone comes and asks - did you love her alot?
Man: Which love? she took a promise that you will re-marry when my graves goes dry - I don't know who stupid put lot of water daily here?
----
Telling lie is Sin for kids, must for bachelors, art for lovers, and the way of living calmly for married couples!
----
Where were you last night? mother shouted!
I was in disc/club, son replied.
Oh my god! I hope you didn't see anything which you should not see.
Son: I seen the thing that I should not see there!
What did you seen>
Dad - he softly uttered...
-----
Early to bed, and early to rise proves that..
..
..
..
...
The person has no internet connection!!!:)
----
Lay to advocate: I want to marry my ex husband again!
Advocate: Why, last month you hot the divorce..
Lady: After divorce, he is very happy and I can not tolerate this at all...
----
Couple got fight!
Wife in anger goes to market, buys poison, eats and after sometime..
She did not die..
Husband: Lot of time, I told you, take care while buying things, money is wasted and work is still incomplete!!
----
Man can be happy in 2 situations: 1st - if unmarried; 2nd - if wife has gone to her mother's home.
Smartness:
Man: If we deposite cheque today, how much wil it take to clear it?
Manager: 3 days
Man: But the other bank is just opposite of your bank, them why so long?
Manager: Sir, we need to follow the procedure. For example, if you die outside of crimination center, you will not directly taken there, you need to be taken to the home first then...
Man: Surprised....
------
Duffer, why do you keep on talking with girls all the time..
Boy: I am very poor, even do not have whatsapp in my cell.
-----
Friend: You have sweet shop, don't you feel like eating?
Him: Yes, I love them, but dad put all sweet counted, so I taste them and put them back..!!
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Do you know about 7 important most important Men in a Woman's life? No, then here we go:
One. Mr. Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
Two. Mr. Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
Three. That Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
Four. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
Five. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
Six. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
Sever. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
An Economist beautifully explained two reasons for having two wives:
A - Monopoly should be broken
B- Competition improves the quality of service..
If you have one wife she fights with you, if you have two wives they will fight for you
Feel the difference and decide:
Disclaimer: We are not having such experience and not responsible for any side effects!
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Adam[man] and Eve[woman] were the first human beings in the world
one fine day eve asked Adam' do you love me'
Adam said 'do i have another choice'
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Male in the club Orders a Beer..
Female next To Him-
What A Co-incidence, Even I Have Ordered the same..
Man-I'm so Happy.
Female-Me too.
Man-Wat A Coincidence.
Lady-My Husband & I Have Tried 4Yrs For A Baby..
Today I'm Pregnant.
Man-Wat A Co-Incidence.
I Am A Farmer
From 4Yrs My Hens Were Infertile,
Today All Laying Eggs
Lady-Wow How Did That Happen?
Man- I Used A Different Cock.
Lady SMILED, & Said
WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!
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Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work!
Submitted by Alysia Csengery
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They asked me Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?
Well, they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
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To avoid getting entangles with child-labor laws, I have decided to appoint a child as a CEO.
Special ego massage, please!
You are right.. Minimalism did not make any sense to me until I began to bald!
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The kidnapers of your son sir! He says you've grossly undervalued your company to fix the random amount!
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Ask.. whatever you want, but don't ask me to walk my talk.
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Dad – Dear, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son – no way..
Dad - She is the daughter of world's richest man.
Son – then its done.
Then his dad goes to that richest man..
Dad - I want your daughter to marry my son.
Rich man – nope
Dad: He is the COO of world bank.
Rich man – then its done.
Then Dad again goes to president of bank.
He asked – appoint my son the COO of the world bank.
Him – Never
Dad: – He is the son in law of World's richest man.
Him – then its fine.
THIS IS Smartness...!!
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The only thing our students want to hear from you, sir, is how to engineer jobs in the current market!
*****
Boss:
Bosses are like clouds..
When they disappear.. Ambiance gets brighter and relaxed..
The virus means business. It wants us to send online secure payment to leave our system.
I chose a wrong mentor - what about you?
The golden rule of work is that the bosses pranks are ALWAYS funny.
Interpretation: It is true when your boss shares something witty, you must laugh otherwise he might feel insulted and your promotion can be stopped. So whether they are funny or not, everyone laughs at them.
Employee : Boss, you called me?
Boss : Yes, go to home and make love with your wife.
Employee : (After an hour) ,done sir
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : Done again, sir.
Boss : Do it once more
Employee : Now I don't have
stamina for it, sir.
Boss : Very good,here are my car
keys, drop my daughter at home.
Explanation: What a smart and proactive boss. He is so doubtful about his employee or daughter that he makes his worker to tried before sending his daughter with him. But anyhow it was a funny experience. Isn't it?
A pregnant lady asked her Sir if she could have the day off because she wasn't feeling fine. He tells her the only way she is leaving work is if she starts her contractions. So she yells "shouldn't, couldn't, Can't, didn't, won't, wouldn't!"
Driver:
Are you afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.
Interpretation: How witty! This joke tells that we all need company to something daring. They are not suggesting how to avoid suicide but giving you idea to be bus driver because there are hundreds more people who can go heaven/hell to accompany you.
Relationship:
Interpretation: This joke shows How complicated some relationships are! It doesn't matter how much efforts you put in to improve, there are always some reasons to have some fights. It is just like a fat girl who never takes pain to lose weight.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped the girl?
Wiped his back because she kicks really hard!
One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"
Husband-Wife:
Wife: I came to know that you have appointed a new female office assistance.
Husband: Yes,
Wife: Is she beautiful?
Husband: A bit
Wife: What about dress?
Husband: She wears it very quickly!
One man went to Dr. for check.
Dr. advised: You need perfect and complete rest. You should have peace of soul. This are some medicine for your wife.
Give her and have some peace of mind.
Wife while beating her husband - Neighbour interrupts
Why are you biting this innocent man?
Wife: Please, he is not innocent. I called him and the other girl replied - The person you are calling is busy on another.."
On Bachelor door name plate - Home Sweet Home
And Married person door nameplate - Oh God - I Pray for Silence.
Girl: It is very tough to have love affair with a person who works in bank.
Man: Why?
Girl: I sent him love letter, he send me back remarks -- "signature different"
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Once a sad lady was walking along the beach thinking of the worst state of her life cycle. Her husband asked her for divorce. As she was walking, she tripped over something in the sand. The woman picked the object up revealing a lamp.
The woman rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared before her. "I will grant you three wishes," the genie said "but whatever you wish for your husband will get double."
The woman thought and thought, then made her first wish "I wish for 10 million dollars." POOF! The wished for ten million appears at the woman feet, some distance away 20 million dollars appears at her husbands feet.
The woman thinks again and makes her second wish, "I wish for a pile of diamonds three feet high!" POOF! A pile of diamonds appears at the woman feet, a pile of diamonds six feet high appears at her husband’s feet.
The woman thinks and thinks, ponders and ponders; finally she says to the genie "Now, whatever I wish for my husband gets double?" The genie replies, "That is correct."
She makes her third wish, "I wish for you to scare me half to death!"
----
Wife after drinking Beer asked: Who are you?
Husband: "Are you mad! You don't recognize your husband?
Wife: Addiction makes you forget every sorrow - My dear brother!!
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Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
Interpretation: How situations or attitudes change after just marriage. Love converts into revenge, closeness converts into ignorance and so on. It is human mentality and we have to accept it while readers enjoy it.
Whenever they ask me why females don't gamble as much as males do?
I just give them a uncommon smart reply: Their total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.
Doctor: Please lie down, I need to check you.
Female: Okay but call the nurse too.
Doctor: Why, you don't have trust in me?
Female: I do, but my husband, who is outside, doesn't have trust in me...
Thing to laugh on: How century changes! Gone those day when husbands used to have blind faith their wives. Now they don't even trust them for a single second and all credit goes to those cheaters females who have made all wives the victim of doubt.
Husband: I am feeling so happy while seeing your friend.
Wife: Yeah, I can see your happiness through your jeans.
Interpretation: Yeah, you must be feeling so funny! But it is true that men are like dogs. Girls always know their weak point and males get excited when they notice beautiful girls. Although your wife can see your intentions through your changed behavior, so be cautious!
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Once a man questioned his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me any fortune?"
"Dear hubby, I'd have married you... NO Matter who left you a fortune!" She replied softly.
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Every girl need 4 pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all!
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One day, little Sam was at the park playing when he saw his dad and aunt walk behind the bushes.
He followed them quietly.
What he saw surprised him a lot. Sam ran home and told his Mother... Guess what I saw today!
"How should I know" Mom replied.
"You know, dad at aunty went into the bushes and aunty took off dad's jacket and then..."
"Stop, it is better you to wait until you daddy gets back to home and we have dinner to finish your story?" mom said.
"Fine" said Sam.
And when they were all having dinner, Sam started..
"and then Dad did to Aunt what Uncle did to Mom while Dad was out...."
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Husband comes home from a tough time of work and finds his wife laying in front of the fire place with her legs wide open.
He asked, "Dear, what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."
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"What a pleasant surprise.. You came home early" Wife speaks so gladly.
I was forced to do it. I have to obey what my boss told me to do. He ordered: "GO TO HELL"
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To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.
---
A girl worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A boy never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Waiter:
Interpretation: Some people are really too humorous that they can not stop themselves from making fun without the fear of losing their jobs. That what waiter is doing in above situation. After getting that reply that customer may laugh but chances of getting anger are high. Haha
Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
Interpretation: How playful! That man must be drunk! What a suspense! Yeah, no wife loves that hubby in that way especially you reach home Late! So better to wash your face and see her face carefully.
It's funny when a girl has the nerve to complain that there are no more good men left.
We are all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I am really crazy for good figure but my heart is in love with food.
How do you know if you are mentally ill?
One in 4 people are. Check 3 friends; if they are OK, you're it!
Jacky: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Selina: Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!
Explanation: Above joke's storyline is misunderstanding. You never know the interest of a girl. Like you, she may also be seeking for some cute girls. That is happens with Jacky when he tries to impress Selina in bar! So next time, take care of this thing before you go ahead.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Interpretation: You must be lucky if you're out for business trips. Real fun is always outside with some crazy ways which, of-course, are hated by your family specially wife. Got it! So send lots of love to your family from out of the town and spend great time with their love and without their interference.
No one cares unless you're pretty or dying.
Interpretation: So hilarious! When a girl is so beautiful and you find her in trouble, how bad you feel and do all the effort to help her. What if an ugly man is in trouble? You ignore. So being pretty is really a good feature and God gift!
It's funny how making odd noises can get you into strange situations sometimes.
Shopkeeper: Stop! you can't smoke here.
Me: But I bought the it from your shop.
Shopkeeper: We also sell condoms but that doesn't mean.. but you don't use them here!
Interpretation: What a witty reply when a customer buys something from their shop and insists of using it on his place. I am sure the user has nothing to say after listening that. But we readers can laugh on this joke and gonna share it with friends. Lol!
Marriage:
Interpretation: Marriage is a mandatory thing but it's a big big trap. After this, You can not go anywhere, you can enjoy with your friends, you cannot do anything alone. You have to take trouble with you everywhere. So what if it is a good institution, I am too young to join it. Run.... Haha
Global warming was the reason the name Ivy Blue came into being...just think about it!
Saying you have a headache to get out of things because your to lazy to go.
Please understand that I didn’t do it! Unless I was supposed to do it. Then of course I did it.
Sometimes I feel like I am emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit for a very long time!
Q: What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
A: You can unscrew the light bulb.
When butterflies fall in love do they feel humans in their stomach?
Lady to Radio Jockey: It would be a great help if you call to my husband who left me and took all our three kids with him.
Radio Jockey: Yes, for sure... Its on. You please speak your message.
Lady: Honey, kindly return back two kids because only one of them is yours!!!
The old people used to tell me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, 'Ha ha, You’re next!' So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!
After long argument I say 'It's ok' to shut your ugly mouth.
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
Friend: You go to concerts on school nights? Me: No, it's more like I go to school on concert nights.
Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.
Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
You grow on people, but so does cancer.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to them.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
Basic research is what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.
If my joke offends you: 1) I'm sorry. 2) It won't happen again. 3) 1 & 2 are lies. 4) You're a Bit.
Alcoholic? No, I prefer the term Drinking Enthusiast.
What’s so real about reality TV shows?
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don't trust women!
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
I like sleeping. It’s like death without the commitment.
Kids and Teenagers
Those 3 magical words which makes every girl happy - I am Sorry!!
Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?
Me: It committed suicide, had too many problems.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own pranks!
What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt!
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Kid: No, he did it all by himself.
Lecturer: Why are you looking at those monkeys outside when I am in the class?
Dear future kids of mine , If I find weed in your room , I will take that shit , and I will smoke it.
I hate it when they’re talking and gum falls out of their mouth.
Once, a father of a teenage daughter was concerned because his daughter spend too much time on phone; and nobody else in house could use the that line. So, he got a solution, he had a new telephone line installed for her.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone.Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
Funniest:
PATIENT:Doctor I Keep thinking i am the moon!
DOCTOR:I cant see you now, come tonight..
submitted by jeffrey
Some years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please, don't let Kevin Bacon die!
I’m in a love triangle with me, myself and I.
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: Because his wife died.
That awkward moment when someone knows you, but you don’t know them.
Once a woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?" she said.
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".
Satire
You buy a wonderful costly phone and imagine.. girls will be impressed and you what you get is get lost!
You study hard whole young life and uneducated ministers earn millions..Who is more smart?
Spending whole life loving a single girl.. Day night think of her and she marries a engineer who looks like a black dog.. You get LOL!
One Liners:
Evening news is when they start off with Good Evening and then proceed to telling you why it isn't.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!
How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.
Energizer bunny arrested-charged with battery.
What did 0 say to number 8?
Nice belt.
Waiter, waiter! There's a slug in my salad.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know you were a vegetarian.
Take the mast off when you speak to me.
Whats a snail?
A slug with a crash helmet.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
A man walked into a bar.
Ouch.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
What would the lamp say to the man?
Nothing. A lamp is an inanimate object.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
Overweight:
A lady woman was surprisingly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
Doctor: I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip one day, and repeat this instruction for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.
After 2 weeks, when lady returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 15 pounds.
Doctor: Wow, that’s brilliant! Did you follow my plan?
Lady nodded. I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
Doctor: From hunger, you mean?
Lady: Nope... from skipping!
Ghost:
Blonde:
Why did the blonde visit the post office 50 times in one day?
Her computer kept saying she has mail.
Save a horse... Ride a cowboy!
- Jay Leno
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champion.
A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"
Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to Disney World?
She saw a sign saying: "Disney World Left" so she went home.
Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
Because they can't remember the recipe.
Animals:
What to give a sick pig?
Oinkment
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".
On which day do lions eat people?
Chewsday!
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Once a turtle was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks
2 tigers went into a pub and after ordering two beers, took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub owner. So the 2 tigers swapped their sandwiches.
What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.
What do you call a camel without any humps?
Humphrey!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.
A pig's favorite ballet?
Swine Lake
Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don't work.
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Thief
Once a thief enter in a home and finds a note on locker - "Please don't break the lock, Just push the button and it will open easily.
So he does the same But after doing that - Police arrives!
Thief Shouts: There is no value of Honesty!
Once a husband said his credit card was stolen but he made his mind to not to go for F.I.R. because that thief was spending less than his spouse used to!
How do you keep people from stealing your bagels?
Put lox on them.
Ladies
2 ladies were fighting for a seat in metro on man suggested: Whoever is older should take the seat.
than..... both seat remained free. :)
The average fight between men lasts 5 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 11 years.
I am looking for a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.
Crazy:
Height of positiveness: As a buy comes out from his home, a bird flies by and shits on his head. Guess how this guy reacts? "Oh, my goodness, Thanks God! ELEPHANTS DON'T FLY!"
Den: My souse went for horse-riding to lose weight. Lost 6kg!!
Jay: Hard work pays!
Den: No! She didn't but that horse lost the weight!
Man: Hey little kid! Why are you running? Do you know who am I?
Crazy Kid: Lol, When you even don't know who you are, how can I?
On Wives:
There are 3 forms of a girl:
No. 1: The one who loves you with eyes closed - known as Girlfriend
No. 2: The one who loves you til her eyes closed - known as Mother
No. 3: The one who loves you with her big eyes staring at you - know as Wife.:))
Husband buys a mouth fresher for wife.
Wife: Why you don't buy for you.
Husband: I remain silent anyways.
teacher: Name two animals that live in a cold region?
student: A polar bear and his wife
Wife is like a god's prasad (fruit), you have to eat it without making any complaint.
Wife: I heard that men get angels in heave and what women get?
Man: God only listens to those who are needy!
Lady: People say that in heaven Man and woman can not live together!
Male: Yes, that is why it is known as heave!
why does traffic stop when old people smile,
because their teeth are so yellow.
For voting you age should be 18 but for marriage you must be 21, why?
Wise man replies: Because government knows that taking care of the wife is bigger task than taking care of nation.
Whatsapp:
Boy sends message: I Love You
Got an alert: Not delivered
Me sitting with him suggested: Oh my friend, this is God giving you a chance. Save yourself...LOL
A best friend status: Waiting for perfect man.
Me replied: Nobody is perfect.. Lets make each other perfect.
People says true love never dies but....
Now in latest fashion - it just ends with one single command - 'BLOCK'
Besides Chocolate, you rule on top of the list:)
Topics:
Pranks revealed in year 2015-16-17-18-19-20-21-22, Month - November '22 | November '21 | June '21 | Apr '21 | May '20 | April '20 | March '20 | January '19 | November '18 | October '18 | April '18 | March '18 | Feb '18 | Jan '18 | Dec '17 | Nov '17 | September | August '17 | Feb '17 | May '16 | March '15 | July '15 | November '15
November 2022
Girlfriend status update - Feeling awesome Boyfriend comment: I told you pain will be there but feeling will wow...
The pain of body can be forgetted but the pain given by words can never be forgetted..
So Always remeber..
Clos the matter by beating them!
November 2021
Me: There is new movie trailor coming and the name is Constipation
She: When it is coming?
Me: Pushing, results are awaited :))) LOL
June 2021
Hey bro: Me and my girlfriend are getting married..
Him: Wow, Great, congrats.. When?
Me: Thanks, mine is on June 21 and her is on July 15th..
Apr 2021
Distance does not matter my girl...yeah, but fuel matter!
Wife: Come on, get up early , tea is ready. Hubby: Then get it ready, Am I sleeping inside the POT?
Son came home drunk and started working at Laptop. Father: Again you are drunk? Son: No, dad, I am working.. Father: Then why are you working on your briefcase?
May '20:
Me: Easy, just open your front camera! You will hear live..LOL
Boyfriend: If I kiss you, what will you think?
Girlfriend: I will think that a thief who could steal whole car, got satisfied with the Tyre only!
April '20:
March '20:
WAS Chinese...LOL
Husband: Why do you check Sugar jar before you sleep??
Wife: Because Doctor asked me check my sugar before I go to bed...
When my girl laugh, it just breath out happoness of my heart and eyes...
Once a teacher asked w kid: Tell the future tense of Rain is coming..
Kid answers: The light will go.....
January '19:
Biology teacher told that Cell means: nerves
Physics teacher taught: Cell means Battery
Economy teacher said that Cell means Sale
History teacher told that it means Prison
English teacher instructed that cell means Mobile.
Drop out the school thinking that all teacher don't thing alike but real knowledge given by WIFE who taught that Cell means sale at Malls..OL
November '18:
They asked me - What is MARRIAGE?
A very smart and in depth reply:
Marriage is like 2 wires of electricity
If both wires connected correctly - there is light otherwise BLAST...
October '18:
When I forget to close my Zip.. She laughed and said: Sir, your garage is open..
Me: Did you see my Harley?
Girl: Nope, I saw a mini bike with 2 flat tires.. weird..
To Impress Girls:
Please let me capture your picture so I can show to Santa what I wish for! :)
Were you a camera in previous birth? Because whenever I look at you, I smile ....
When my girl ordered me to kiss where it smells funny..
I flew her to New Jersey!
She called me 'Stupid'!
I do not want to blink because I am afraid to skip a second of your cuteness.. Just kidding..
Would you catch/hold/hug me if I fall for you.
Pain of women: They need to teel their age while vaccination.. LOL!
We men are so nice and clean at heart. You know, whenever you are in bikini, I only see cover parts...
Hug me if I am wrong but Earth is Square..
Men are important part of this world..
Girl: We have lot of others options too!
Boyfriend: Vibrator can't buy you a drink! LOL
I went to crazy people hospital and put 2 stones in my ears and Dr. surprised and asked:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING??
Me: I am listening to Rock music!!:))
To Fascinate a girl: Lister to her, Care for her, respect her, protect her, stand on her side, love her, give her time, be with her, make her feel how special she is..
To Enchant a Boy: Just give him a smile!
Girl: How are you
Me: I am fine..
Girl: How is the study going on?
Boy: See, you are my girlfriend, please do not ask questions like my relatives!
I told my gym trainer about my loss of memory..
and then he asked me to pay in advance..
My female friend is IT professional and when she died.. They say - She went OFFLINE..
You know when my friends say, they are feeling alone: I say I am there with you..
When they say: They need to laugh, I say - Just call me..
But they say: Need money, my number does not exist!
One of my mate's dad asked: Do you drink?
Me: Occasionally, but occasions come Regularly..
April '18:
March '18:
Why don't some couples go to Gym?
Simple, because some relationships don't work out..
A Gym Advertisement:
Tired of Being Fat & Ugly??
JUST BE UGLY..
@ Fitness ZONE!
Feb '18:
So valentine day is near and I thought I should go and talk to that beautiful girl..
NEXT DAY..
Hey congrats me - I have one more sister NOW... :((
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A Garbage Truck ... Hahahah
Jan '18:
Advocate to lady: You were saying that your husband left you after 1 year of marriage.. but you have 3 kid.. How come?
Lady: Yes, he left me but in between he keeps on coming back for forgiveness.
Mother in law: how this glasses have been broken?
Daughter in law: Actually I had fight with husband last night..
Mother in law: OK< then how this bed has been broken? She: Actually, we had patched up.. Dec '17:
If a girl says she hates doing shopping....marry her...!!
I love my 6 pack so much that I hide it with a layer of fat..LOL
While playing a game, i asked an house wife what her favorite card is?
She shouted: Credit Card...
Nov '17:
Hey, why are you itching your hear while having helmet on your head? asked a fellow friend while driving wit his friend? Better remove the helmet and then itch your head.
Man: Stupid, when you get itching in your private parts, do you remove your pant? LOL
Sept '17:
Husband was going to market and wife asks..listen
Please bring something from market which makes me beautiful.
Husband comes back with a bottle of whisky/wine..
Aug '17:
Two men were traveling together, one was Chinese so they saw a mosquito and Chinese grabbed in the fist and eaten.
Again another man saw the mosquito and he grabbed and asked Chinese : will you buy?
Boy: you live in my thoughts, dreams and feelings..
Girl: Bro, someone has made you fool, I live in California.. lol
Wife: Go and hunt a lion so that I can use his skin to decorate my room.
Husband: This is very very tough job, please give me a easy task.
Wife: Give me you mobile and let me read all you chats..
Husband: I think, first task is easy.. :(
May '16:
Admit it, we always say our true feelings with help 'Just Joking'..lol
You know you get perks of working with keyboard factory.. you deserve some extra shiftss...
May '16:
While having food in this summer where temperature is touching 45 degree...
We must say thanks to 3 people..
1st. God 2nd. Farmer 3rd. The person who is making it ready in so high temperature.
Once a kid missing. Their parents and relative put status with photo on social media.
Than next day, he found and came back to home.
Still after 2 years, whenever that kid go out side, people catch him and take him home. Lol
A message in group - Please do not leave the group to go outside s temperature is so high..lol
November '15:
A friend was arguing with me that onion is the only food which gets your tear out.
So I throw a coconut on his face to prove him wrong!
Wife in a mood: I want you to whisper something dirty on me.
Hubby: Your dishes!
What kind of bees make milk?
Boo Bees:)
July:
If girl is with you - Restaurant Bill
If girl is far from you - Mobile bill
If girl is separated from you - Than Bar Bill.
Moral - No Girl - No Bills!
Teacher: What small bee gives you?
Kid: Honey!
Teacher: What small goat gives you?
Kid: Milk!
And what buffalo gives you?
Kid: Home work!
A girl gives a kiss to a baby but left her lipstick spot.
Girl: Oops I am sorry..
Kid: It is ok.. if there are strain while doing something.. strains are good!
March:
Me: Do you have a book for men with small his thing?
Librarian: I don't know if it's in yet.
Me: Yeah that's the one.
Where does a dog search for when it loses his tail?
A retail store.
Curves on women are nice, but curves on final exams are even better.
What are the only kind of trees that grow fingers?
Ummm, Palm trees.
Don't "k" me, you bast....
Rare:
The most annoying moment when you put your status single and your ex likes it!
The past of Eat is ate and the future of ate is weight and the most funny part is that people realize it so too late!
----
Husband on wife's grave.. with a table fan.. crying...
Someone comes and asks - did you love her alot?
Man: Which love? she took a promise that you will re-marry when my graves goes dry - I don't know who stupid put lot of water daily here?
----
Telling lie is Sin for kids, must for bachelors, art for lovers, and the way of living calmly for married couples!
----
Where were you last night? mother shouted!
I was in disc/club, son replied.
Oh my god! I hope you didn't see anything which you should not see.
Son: I seen the thing that I should not see there!
What did you seen>
Dad - he softly uttered...
-----
Early to bed, and early to rise proves that..
..
..
..
...
The person has no internet connection!!!:)
----
Lay to advocate: I want to marry my ex husband again!
Advocate: Why, last month you hot the divorce..
Lady: After divorce, he is very happy and I can not tolerate this at all...
----
Couple got fight!
Wife in anger goes to market, buys poison, eats and after sometime..
She did not die..
Husband: Lot of time, I told you, take care while buying things, money is wasted and work is still incomplete!!
----
Man can be happy in 2 situations: 1st - if unmarried; 2nd - if wife has gone to her mother's home.
Smartness:
Man: If we deposite cheque today, how much wil it take to clear it?
Manager: 3 days
Man: But the other bank is just opposite of your bank, them why so long?
Manager: Sir, we need to follow the procedure. For example, if you die outside of crimination center, you will not directly taken there, you need to be taken to the home first then...
Man: Surprised....
------
Duffer, why do you keep on talking with girls all the time..
Boy: I am very poor, even do not have whatsapp in my cell.
-----
Friend: You have sweet shop, don't you feel like eating?
Him: Yes, I love them, but dad put all sweet counted, so I taste them and put them back..!!
-----
Do you know about 7 important most important Men in a Woman's life? No, then here we go:
One. Mr. Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
Two. Mr. Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
Three. That Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
Four. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
Five. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
Six. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
Sever. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
An Economist beautifully explained two reasons for having two wives:
A - Monopoly should be broken
B- Competition improves the quality of service..
If you have one wife she fights with you, if you have two wives they will fight for you
Feel the difference and decide:
Disclaimer: We are not having such experience and not responsible for any side effects!
------
Adam[man] and Eve[woman] were the first human beings in the world
one fine day eve asked Adam' do you love me'
Adam said 'do i have another choice'
------
Male in the club Orders a Beer..
Female next To Him-
What A Co-incidence, Even I Have Ordered the same..
Man-I'm so Happy.
Female-Me too.
Man-Wat A Coincidence.
Lady-My Husband & I Have Tried 4Yrs For A Baby..
Today I'm Pregnant.
Man-Wat A Co-Incidence.
I Am A Farmer
From 4Yrs My Hens Were Infertile,
Today All Laying Eggs
Lady-Wow How Did That Happen?
Man- I Used A Different Cock.
Lady SMILED, & Said
WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!
------
Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work!
Submitted by Alysia Csengery
------
They asked me Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?
Well, they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
------
To avoid getting entangles with child-labor laws, I have decided to appoint a child as a CEO.
Special ego massage, please!
You are right.. Minimalism did not make any sense to me until I began to bald!
------
The kidnapers of your son sir! He says you've grossly undervalued your company to fix the random amount!
------
Ask.. whatever you want, but don't ask me to walk my talk.
------
Dad – Dear, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son – no way..
Dad - She is the daughter of world's richest man.
Son – then its done.
Then his dad goes to that richest man..
Dad - I want your daughter to marry my son.
Rich man – nope
Dad: He is the COO of world bank.
Rich man – then its done.
Then Dad again goes to president of bank.
He asked – appoint my son the COO of the world bank.
Him – Never
Dad: – He is the son in law of World's richest man.
Him – then its fine.
THIS IS Smartness...!!
------
The only thing our students want to hear from you, sir, is how to engineer jobs in the current market!
*****
Boss:
Bosses are like clouds..
When they disappear.. Ambiance gets brighter and relaxed..
The virus means business. It wants us to send online secure payment to leave our system.
I chose a wrong mentor - what about you?
The golden rule of work is that the bosses pranks are ALWAYS funny.
Interpretation: It is true when your boss shares something witty, you must laugh otherwise he might feel insulted and your promotion can be stopped. So whether they are funny or not, everyone laughs at them.
Employee : Boss, you called me?
Boss : Yes, go to home and make love with your wife.
Employee : (After an hour) ,done sir
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : Done again, sir.
Boss : Do it once more
Employee : Now I don't have
stamina for it, sir.
Boss : Very good,here are my car
keys, drop my daughter at home.
Explanation: What a smart and proactive boss. He is so doubtful about his employee or daughter that he makes his worker to tried before sending his daughter with him. But anyhow it was a funny experience. Isn't it?
A pregnant lady asked her Sir if she could have the day off because she wasn't feeling fine. He tells her the only way she is leaving work is if she starts her contractions. So she yells "shouldn't, couldn't, Can't, didn't, won't, wouldn't!"
Driver:
Are you afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.
Interpretation: How witty! This joke tells that we all need company to something daring. They are not suggesting how to avoid suicide but giving you idea to be bus driver because there are hundreds more people who can go heaven/hell to accompany you.
Relationship:
Interpretation: This joke shows How complicated some relationships are! It doesn't matter how much efforts you put in to improve, there are always some reasons to have some fights. It is just like a fat girl who never takes pain to lose weight.What did the cannibal do after he dumped the girl?
Wiped his back because she kicks really hard!
One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"
Husband-Wife:
Wife: I came to know that you have appointed a new female office assistance.
Husband: Yes,
Wife: Is she beautiful?
Husband: A bit
Wife: What about dress?
Husband: She wears it very quickly!
One man went to Dr. for check.
Dr. advised: You need perfect and complete rest. You should have peace of soul. This are some medicine for your wife.
Give her and have some peace of mind.
Wife while beating her husband - Neighbour interrupts
Why are you biting this innocent man?
Wife: Please, he is not innocent. I called him and the other girl replied - The person you are calling is busy on another.."
On Bachelor door name plate - Home Sweet Home
And Married person door nameplate - Oh God - I Pray for Silence.
Girl: It is very tough to have love affair with a person who works in bank.
Man: Why?
Girl: I sent him love letter, he send me back remarks -- "signature different"
-----
Once a sad lady was walking along the beach thinking of the worst state of her life cycle. Her husband asked her for divorce. As she was walking, she tripped over something in the sand. The woman picked the object up revealing a lamp.
The woman rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared before her. "I will grant you three wishes," the genie said "but whatever you wish for your husband will get double."
The woman thought and thought, then made her first wish "I wish for 10 million dollars." POOF! The wished for ten million appears at the woman feet, some distance away 20 million dollars appears at her husbands feet.
The woman thinks again and makes her second wish, "I wish for a pile of diamonds three feet high!" POOF! A pile of diamonds appears at the woman feet, a pile of diamonds six feet high appears at her husband’s feet.
The woman thinks and thinks, ponders and ponders; finally she says to the genie "Now, whatever I wish for my husband gets double?" The genie replies, "That is correct."
She makes her third wish, "I wish for you to scare me half to death!"
----
Wife after drinking Beer asked: Who are you?
Husband: "Are you mad! You don't recognize your husband?
Wife: Addiction makes you forget every sorrow - My dear brother!!
-----
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
Interpretation: How situations or attitudes change after just marriage. Love converts into revenge, closeness converts into ignorance and so on. It is human mentality and we have to accept it while readers enjoy it.
Whenever they ask me why females don't gamble as much as males do?
I just give them a uncommon smart reply: Their total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.
Doctor: Please lie down, I need to check you.
Female: Okay but call the nurse too.
Doctor: Why, you don't have trust in me?
Female: I do, but my husband, who is outside, doesn't have trust in me...
Thing to laugh on: How century changes! Gone those day when husbands used to have blind faith their wives. Now they don't even trust them for a single second and all credit goes to those cheaters females who have made all wives the victim of doubt.
Husband: I am feeling so happy while seeing your friend.
Wife: Yeah, I can see your happiness through your jeans.
Interpretation: Yeah, you must be feeling so funny! But it is true that men are like dogs. Girls always know their weak point and males get excited when they notice beautiful girls. Although your wife can see your intentions through your changed behavior, so be cautious!
---
Once a man questioned his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me any fortune?"
"Dear hubby, I'd have married you... NO Matter who left you a fortune!" She replied softly.
---
Every girl need 4 pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all!
---
One day, little Sam was at the park playing when he saw his dad and aunt walk behind the bushes.
He followed them quietly.
What he saw surprised him a lot. Sam ran home and told his Mother... Guess what I saw today!
"How should I know" Mom replied.
"You know, dad at aunty went into the bushes and aunty took off dad's jacket and then..."
"Stop, it is better you to wait until you daddy gets back to home and we have dinner to finish your story?" mom said.
"Fine" said Sam.
And when they were all having dinner, Sam started..
"and then Dad did to Aunt what Uncle did to Mom while Dad was out...."
---
Husband comes home from a tough time of work and finds his wife laying in front of the fire place with her legs wide open.
He asked, "Dear, what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."
---
"What a pleasant surprise.. You came home early" Wife speaks so gladly.
I was forced to do it. I have to obey what my boss told me to do. He ordered: "GO TO HELL"
---
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.
---
A girl worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A boy never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Waiter:
Interpretation: Some people are really too humorous that they can not stop themselves from making fun without the fear of losing their jobs. That what waiter is doing in above situation. After getting that reply that customer may laugh but chances of getting anger are high. HahaCustomer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
Interpretation: How playful! That man must be drunk! What a suspense! Yeah, no wife loves that hubby in that way especially you reach home Late! So better to wash your face and see her face carefully.It's funny when a girl has the nerve to complain that there are no more good men left.
We are all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I am really crazy for good figure but my heart is in love with food.
How do you know if you are mentally ill?
One in 4 people are. Check 3 friends; if they are OK, you're it!
Jacky: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Selina: Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!
Explanation: Above joke's storyline is misunderstanding. You never know the interest of a girl. Like you, she may also be seeking for some cute girls. That is happens with Jacky when he tries to impress Selina in bar! So next time, take care of this thing before you go ahead.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Interpretation: You must be lucky if you're out for business trips. Real fun is always outside with some crazy ways which, of-course, are hated by your family specially wife. Got it! So send lots of love to your family from out of the town and spend great time with their love and without their interference.
No one cares unless you're pretty or dying.
Interpretation: So hilarious! When a girl is so beautiful and you find her in trouble, how bad you feel and do all the effort to help her. What if an ugly man is in trouble? You ignore. So being pretty is really a good feature and God gift!
It's funny how making odd noises can get you into strange situations sometimes.
Shopkeeper: Stop! you can't smoke here.
Me: But I bought the it from your shop.
Shopkeeper: We also sell condoms but that doesn't mean.. but you don't use them here!
Interpretation: What a witty reply when a customer buys something from their shop and insists of using it on his place. I am sure the user has nothing to say after listening that. But we readers can laugh on this joke and gonna share it with friends. Lol!
Marriage:
Interpretation: Marriage is a mandatory thing but it's a big big trap. After this, You can not go anywhere, you can enjoy with your friends, you cannot do anything alone. You have to take trouble with you everywhere. So what if it is a good institution, I am too young to join it. Run.... HahaGlobal warming was the reason the name Ivy Blue came into being...just think about it!
Saying you have a headache to get out of things because your to lazy to go.
Please understand that I didn’t do it! Unless I was supposed to do it. Then of course I did it.
Sometimes I feel like I am emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit for a very long time!
Q: What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
A: You can unscrew the light bulb.
When butterflies fall in love do they feel humans in their stomach?
Lady to Radio Jockey: It would be a great help if you call to my husband who left me and took all our three kids with him.
Radio Jockey: Yes, for sure... Its on. You please speak your message.
Lady: Honey, kindly return back two kids because only one of them is yours!!!
The old people used to tell me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, 'Ha ha, You’re next!' So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!
After long argument I say 'It's ok' to shut your ugly mouth.
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
Friend: You go to concerts on school nights? Me: No, it's more like I go to school on concert nights.
Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.
Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
You grow on people, but so does cancer.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to them.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
Basic research is what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.
If my joke offends you: 1) I'm sorry. 2) It won't happen again. 3) 1 & 2 are lies. 4) You're a Bit.
Alcoholic? No, I prefer the term Drinking Enthusiast.
What’s so real about reality TV shows?
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don't trust women!
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
I like sleeping. It’s like death without the commitment.
Kids and Teenagers
Those 3 magical words which makes every girl happy - I am Sorry!!
Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?
Me: It committed suicide, had too many problems.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own pranks!
What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt!
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Kid: No, he did it all by himself.
Lecturer: Why are you looking at those monkeys outside when I am in the class?
Dear future kids of mine , If I find weed in your room , I will take that shit , and I will smoke it.
I hate it when they’re talking and gum falls out of their mouth.
Once, a father of a teenage daughter was concerned because his daughter spend too much time on phone; and nobody else in house could use the that line. So, he got a solution, he had a new telephone line installed for her.Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone.Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
Funniest:
PATIENT:Doctor I Keep thinking i am the moon!
DOCTOR:I cant see you now, come tonight..
submitted by jeffrey
Some years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please, don't let Kevin Bacon die!
I’m in a love triangle with me, myself and I.
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: Because his wife died.
That awkward moment when someone knows you, but you don’t know them.
Once a woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?" she said.
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".
Satire
You buy a wonderful costly phone and imagine.. girls will be impressed and you what you get is get lost!
You study hard whole young life and uneducated ministers earn millions..Who is more smart?
Spending whole life loving a single girl.. Day night think of her and she marries a engineer who looks like a black dog.. You get LOL!
One Liners:
Evening news is when they start off with Good Evening and then proceed to telling you why it isn't.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!
How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.
Energizer bunny arrested-charged with battery.
What did 0 say to number 8?
Nice belt.
Waiter, waiter! There's a slug in my salad.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know you were a vegetarian.
Take the mast off when you speak to me.
Whats a snail?
A slug with a crash helmet.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
A man walked into a bar.
Ouch.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
What would the lamp say to the man?
Nothing. A lamp is an inanimate object.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
Overweight:
A lady woman was surprisingly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
Doctor: I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip one day, and repeat this instruction for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.
After 2 weeks, when lady returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 15 pounds.
Doctor: Wow, that’s brilliant! Did you follow my plan?
Lady nodded. I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
Doctor: From hunger, you mean?
Lady: Nope... from skipping!
Ghost:
Blonde:
Why did the blonde visit the post office 50 times in one day?
Her computer kept saying she has mail.
Save a horse... Ride a cowboy!
- Jay Leno
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champion.
A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"
Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to Disney World?
She saw a sign saying: "Disney World Left" so she went home.
Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
Because they can't remember the recipe.
Animals:
What to give a sick pig?
Oinkment
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".
On which day do lions eat people?
Chewsday!
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Once a turtle was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks
2 tigers went into a pub and after ordering two beers, took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub owner. So the 2 tigers swapped their sandwiches.
What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.
What do you call a camel without any humps?
Humphrey!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.
A pig's favorite ballet?
Swine Lake
Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don't work.
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Thief
Once a thief enter in a home and finds a note on locker - "Please don't break the lock, Just push the button and it will open easily.
So he does the same But after doing that - Police arrives!
Thief Shouts: There is no value of Honesty!
Once a husband said his credit card was stolen but he made his mind to not to go for F.I.R. because that thief was spending less than his spouse used to!
How do you keep people from stealing your bagels?
Put lox on them.
Ladies
2 ladies were fighting for a seat in metro on man suggested: Whoever is older should take the seat.
than..... both seat remained free. :)
The average fight between men lasts 5 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 11 years.
I am looking for a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.
Crazy:
Height of positiveness: As a buy comes out from his home, a bird flies by and shits on his head. Guess how this guy reacts? "Oh, my goodness, Thanks God! ELEPHANTS DON'T FLY!"
Den: My souse went for horse-riding to lose weight. Lost 6kg!!
Jay: Hard work pays!
Den: No! She didn't but that horse lost the weight!
Man: Hey little kid! Why are you running? Do you know who am I?
Crazy Kid: Lol, When you even don't know who you are, how can I?
On Wives:
There are 3 forms of a girl:
No. 1: The one who loves you with eyes closed - known as Girlfriend
No. 2: The one who loves you til her eyes closed - known as Mother
No. 3: The one who loves you with her big eyes staring at you - know as Wife.:))
Husband buys a mouth fresher for wife.
Wife: Why you don't buy for you.
Husband: I remain silent anyways.
teacher: Name two animals that live in a cold region?
student: A polar bear and his wife
Wife is like a god's prasad (fruit), you have to eat it without making any complaint.
Wife: I heard that men get angels in heave and what women get?
Man: God only listens to those who are needy!
Lady: People say that in heaven Man and woman can not live together!
Male: Yes, that is why it is known as heave!
why does traffic stop when old people smile,
because their teeth are so yellow.
For voting you age should be 18 but for marriage you must be 21, why?
Wise man replies: Because government knows that taking care of the wife is bigger task than taking care of nation.
Whatsapp:
Boy sends message: I Love You
Got an alert: Not delivered
Me sitting with him suggested: Oh my friend, this is God giving you a chance. Save yourself...LOL
A best friend status: Waiting for perfect man.
Me replied: Nobody is perfect.. Lets make each other perfect.
People says true love never dies but....
Now in latest fashion - it just ends with one single command - 'BLOCK'