Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4, it would be chicken sedan.
What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.
With a Broken Pencil
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!
What did Zero say to number Eight?
sigh
BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!
What did Zero say to number Eight?
sigh
Coolest, craziest and simplest
Whether you're sitting idle or busy in any project, you can always spare some minutes to relax your mind and soul. No, no you need not to put any special effort for doing it, because we're giving you some of the coolest, craziest and simplest jokes for this purpose. They are one or two line long so no crack them when you get a chance.
What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.
Have you heard about the constipated mathematician?
He had to work it out with a pencil.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "P" is silent.
Where do you find a one legged dog?
Wherever you left it.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Which is the most stupid animal living in the jungle?"
"The polar bear."
Q:What's grey?
A: A melted penguin
Why don't seagulls fly over bays?
Because then they would be bagels!
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
How does Hitler tie his shoes?
In little nazis.
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A-buck-an-ear
I once farted in an elevator, which was wrong on so many levels.
What's green and when you get it stuck between your teeth, you die?
A tractor.
What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.
Have you heard about the constipated mathematician?
He had to work it out with a pencil.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "P" is silent.
Where do you find a one legged dog?
Wherever you left it.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Which is the most stupid animal living in the jungle?"
"The polar bear."
Q:What's grey?
A: A melted penguin
Why don't seagulls fly over bays?
Because then they would be bagels!
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
How does Hitler tie his shoes?
In little nazis.
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A-buck-an-ear
I once farted in an elevator, which was wrong on so many levels.
What's green and when you get it stuck between your teeth, you die?
A tractor.
Get a Hole
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one!
Guide to understanding a net addiction on various days:-
Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet.
Busy day: managed to work in three hours of usenet.
Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of usenet.
The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.
Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month. Others just go over them.
In case they get a hole in one!
Guide to understanding a net addiction on various days:-
Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet.
Busy day: managed to work in three hours of usenet.
Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of usenet.
The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.
Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month. Others just go over them.
Silliest Complaints Ever - You Must Go Through
After receiving strange but eye opening complaint from a user, Microsoft decided not to invest further in computers..
Complaint Date: 1st April - Person Name: I Doubt!
Dear Owner,
I bought a computer for my family but we came across some of the biggest unexpected problems! Kindly have a look.
#1. Near alt, I saw the start button but there is no Stop button.
#2. I also purchased keyboard, mouse, data card, CPU, data cable but there is only one icon which shows 'My computer'. So when you will provide the remaining items?
#3.You also show 'My Network Places'. For heaven's sake, please stop providing 'My secret places' I just do not want to let my spouse know where I go after my office hours.
#4. My kids learned 'Computer Word' now they want to learn 'Computer Sentence' so let us know when you introduce that.
#5. There is a query whether any re-scooter is available in your system? I see 're-cycle' only but U own a scooter.
#6. It is shocking that windows says 'My pictures' but there is not even a single pic of mine. So when will you keep my photos ion that?
#7. There is 'Microsoft Office' what about 'Microsoft Home' because I use system at home only.
#8. You only show my recent documents but I need to check my past documents too!
#9. You placed a 'Find' key but it is not working at all. My kid lost my car's key and I tried a lot to trace it with this 'find' button but it didn't work!
#10. Last but not least.. You tell you name is Gates then why are you selling Window?
Thanks & Regards
Always Concerned Person.
Complaint Date: 1st April - Person Name: I Doubt!
Dear Owner,
I bought a computer for my family but we came across some of the biggest unexpected problems! Kindly have a look.
#1. Near alt, I saw the start button but there is no Stop button.
#2. I also purchased keyboard, mouse, data card, CPU, data cable but there is only one icon which shows 'My computer'. So when you will provide the remaining items?
#3.You also show 'My Network Places'. For heaven's sake, please stop providing 'My secret places' I just do not want to let my spouse know where I go after my office hours.
#4. My kids learned 'Computer Word' now they want to learn 'Computer Sentence' so let us know when you introduce that.
#5. There is a query whether any re-scooter is available in your system? I see 're-cycle' only but U own a scooter.
#6. It is shocking that windows says 'My pictures' but there is not even a single pic of mine. So when will you keep my photos ion that?
#7. There is 'Microsoft Office' what about 'Microsoft Home' because I use system at home only.
#8. You only show my recent documents but I need to check my past documents too!
#9. You placed a 'Find' key but it is not working at all. My kid lost my car's key and I tried a lot to trace it with this 'find' button but it didn't work!
#10. Last but not least.. You tell you name is Gates then why are you selling Window?
Thanks & Regards
Always Concerned Person.
Insult
What if you sleep into something more comfortable? Emhh... Like a coma!
You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
Ever you hear that?
What?
That.. that sound of no-one caring!
You seem like a black hole of need.
Don't take me as totally useless - use me for that practice!
90% of majority people live and learn, but 10% like you.. just live!
Does this mean our plans for tonight are off or your girlfriend is joining in?
A good male doesn't just happen. He has to be created by us women.
Are you hot but uncomfortable yet?
A man can sleep around no questions asked, but if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she's a tramp.
The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them.
Women would rather be right than reasonable.
That's the nature of research-you don't know what in hell you're doing.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
Ever you hear that?
What?
That.. that sound of no-one caring!
You seem like a black hole of need.
Don't take me as totally useless - use me for that practice!
90% of majority people live and learn, but 10% like you.. just live!
Does this mean our plans for tonight are off or your girlfriend is joining in?
A good male doesn't just happen. He has to be created by us women.
Are you hot but uncomfortable yet?
A man can sleep around no questions asked, but if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she's a tramp.
The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them.
Women would rather be right than reasonable.
That's the nature of research-you don't know what in hell you're doing.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
All Men
All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all others.
A retired husband is often a wife's full time job.
Easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Cowculator
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Olive Toop
Olive Toop Who?
So do I, but I don't brag about it.
I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.
This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.
A retired husband is often a wife's full time job.
Easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Cowculator
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Olive Toop
Olive Toop Who?
So do I, but I don't brag about it.
I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.
This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.
Just insignificant
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea?
Because the Canadiens have all the cups.
Whats the difference between the Leafs and a cigarette machince?
The cigarette machince has PLAYER'S.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea?
Because the Canadiens have all the cups.
Whats the difference between the Leafs and a cigarette machince?
The cigarette machince has PLAYER'S.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine.
Would like to live with?
A kid was standing in court beside a judge. His parents were getting divorce and the judge asked him which parent he would like to live with.
With your mother?"
"No! she beats me all the time
"Ok,
So with your father.
"No! he beats me every night as well!
"Well if both your parents beat you then who do you want to live with?".
The boy replies "The Toronto Maple Leafs." The judge is puzzled. "why would you want to live with them?" he asks. The boy replies "Because they dont beat anyone!"
With your mother?"
"No! she beats me all the time
"Ok,
So with your father.
"No! he beats me every night as well!
"Well if both your parents beat you then who do you want to live with?".
The boy replies "The Toronto Maple Leafs." The judge is puzzled. "why would you want to live with them?" he asks. The boy replies "Because they dont beat anyone!"
Beautiful or Cute?
Once a lawyer wakes up from his disease after treatment, and notices his spouse besides him. His eyes little open and he utters, "Hey beautiful!" and then he falls asleep again.
His wife gets a shock because he never heard it from him.
After 10 minutes, he again opens his eyes and he says “Hey cute!"
She asks what happened? Earlier you were calling me beautiful but now cute. why?
"The drugs are wearing off!" He replies!
His wife gets a shock because he never heard it from him.
After 10 minutes, he again opens his eyes and he says “Hey cute!"
She asks what happened? Earlier you were calling me beautiful but now cute. why?
"The drugs are wearing off!" He replies!
Thoughtful and touching thing
One day, two friends play golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 29 years."
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 29 years."
Girl After Wine
When a girl takes Alcohol, there are lots of funny dramatic things happened with her. She does lots of daring and amusing tasks. Before and after drink, there is world of difference between her personality. Lets have a look at them:
You really believe that dancing with your arms, rounding your head, and wiggling your back portion while shouting 'Woo-hoo!' is perfectly coolest dance move ever.
You start hugging your friends and expressing you love them more than anyone else.
You get very exited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because 'Oh my God! This is ma favorite song!'
You've suddenly started smoking and be really perfect at first go.
You start yelling at bartender, who you believe cheated you by giving you just lemonade.
It feels like you are in bed but pillow feels like tough floor.
You've suddenly decided that you love to kick someone's back and sincerely believe you could do it.
At you last visit to pee, you realize that you now look more like a homeless hooker than the simple sweet goddess you were just before few hours ago.
You throw your sandals because you believe it's their fault that you're having walking problem.
When a vehicle hits you you have no idea where your mobile and purse are.
You really believe that dancing with your arms, rounding your head, and wiggling your back portion while shouting 'Woo-hoo!' is perfectly coolest dance move ever.
You start hugging your friends and expressing you love them more than anyone else.
You get very exited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because 'Oh my God! This is ma favorite song!'
You've suddenly started smoking and be really perfect at first go.
You start yelling at bartender, who you believe cheated you by giving you just lemonade.
It feels like you are in bed but pillow feels like tough floor.
You've suddenly decided that you love to kick someone's back and sincerely believe you could do it.
At you last visit to pee, you realize that you now look more like a homeless hooker than the simple sweet goddess you were just before few hours ago.
You throw your sandals because you believe it's their fault that you're having walking problem.
When a vehicle hits you you have no idea where your mobile and purse are.
You are not obnoxious
You are not obnoxious like so many other people..
SO what I am?
You are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
SO what I am?
You are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
Great legs
In a club, there was some big fat bird dancing on that table.
As I walked past, I said great legs.
She said "really, thank you"
I said yeah, most tables would have collapsed by now.
As I walked past, I said great legs.
She said "really, thank you"
I said yeah, most tables would have collapsed by now.
What's WRONG with me
A lady early in morning, rushed to visit her doctor. She was looking very much tensed and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....
With Your Wife
A man goes to a bar and asks for a beer.
Waiter replies: Sure Sir, Its cost is one cent." "One Cent?"
the man exclaims. He glances at the menu and asks: How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?
A nickel, the barman replies.
"A nickel?" exclaims the man.
Where's the man who owns this place?
The bartender replies: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asks: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies: The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.
Waiter replies: Sure Sir, Its cost is one cent." "One Cent?"
the man exclaims. He glances at the menu and asks: How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?
A nickel, the barman replies.
"A nickel?" exclaims the man.
Where's the man who owns this place?
The bartender replies: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asks: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies: The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.
New French tank
Did you hear about the new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.