Why women live longer than men

It is true that women live longer than men. But the real reason behind this... is that they don`t have to live with women.

Technology and Paper

They say that technology will replace paper. Do they ever tried to wipe that with an iPad.

Liking Most

Boy: What you like most?
Girl: Hmm..
Boy: Water?
Girl: Yes..
Boy: Thanks for liking 70% of me!

Bartender and Sandwich.

What did the bartender say to a Sandwich.
Sorry we don't serve food in here!

Good Neighbor

Q: Symptoms of Good neighbor?
A: If they doesn't put a password on their Wi-Fi.

All Men are Same

The woman who invented the line, "All men are the same." was a chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China.

Preacher's Sermon

Once a sweet little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

I would do anything

Leena comes to professor's office after school hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly & says "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Yes, anything!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Go and...study!."

How Old Are You

A Female walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"Well, honey, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise."
"That's amazing, "the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-Two"

Please read only lines 1, 3, and 5.

A tall well built woman with good
reputation who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical misic and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Yo Mama is So

'Enjoy the very good collection of Yo Mama Short Jokes. They gonna make you feel too good.'

Yo Mama So Ugly, When She Walked By To Pick Up Her Newspaper The Newspaper Ran Back Into The Mailbox. submitted by Paige Wilson

Your mama is so freaking stupid that she got hit by a parked car. submitted by - Alyssa

Yo mama is so old, her breast milk is like baby power. submitted by - Skye Clarke

Yo mama so ugly, her reflection committed suicide.

Yo mama so hairy, big foot saw her and run for his life.

Your mama so fat they change the name of internet to world wide yo mama

Your mamas so fat she jumped into the pool with everyone yelling tsunami
Yo mamma so fat her belly-flop actually has effective damage
your mama is so fat when it was raining outside she put on a yellow rain coat and the people walking by said taxi can u give me a ride home please!
Yo mama so fat everybody says "party with the whales!"
Your mamas so fat she sat on lows an lowered the prices!! :D
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and it broke.
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and died.
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and wondered how that piece of crap got in her bathroom.
Yo mama so skinny she was marked absent for standing sideways.
Yo mama so skinny she can dodge rain.
Yo mama so skinny she stepped on the scale and it said "Next please."
Yo mama so skinny she gave a new name to anorexia.
Yo mama so skinny she stepped on the scale and it said "air cannot be weighed."
Yo mama's so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo mama so stupid that when she threw a rock on the ground, she missed.
Yo mama so stupid, she got locked up in a grocery store and starved.
Yo mama so stupid, she stole free bread.
Yo mama so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
Yo mama so stupid, she was chained to a water fountain and died of dehydration
Yo mama so stupid, he told this joke.
Yo mama so stupid, she took a ruler to bed just to see how long she slept.
Yo mama is so stupid, she sold her car for gas money!
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck
Yo mama so ugly she went to the haunted house on Halloween and came out with a job application
Yo mama so fat that Christopher Columbus claimed her as "the new world"
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the swimming pool and everyone yelled TSUNAMI!
Yo mama so fat she gotta wear watches on both arms to keep the time zone
Yo mama so fat that when she goes to the movies she sits beside everyone
Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo mama so ugly that when she entered the ugly contest and got kicked out because they said "no professionals"
Yo mama is like a vacuum, she sucks, she blows, and gets laid in the closet!
Yo mama is so ugly, she turned Medusa into stone.
Yo mama is so fat, she can't even fit in a chat room.
Yo momma so fat that when she wears a rain coat, she looks like a school bus!
Yo mama is a hose pipe, the gardener turns her on.
Yo mama is like a rugby field, everybody can try.
Yo mama is like a tie, everybody knows how to do her.
Yo mama so fat, she jumped and got stuck.
Yo mama so stupid and fat, when she saw a school bus full of white children, she said, "Stop that Twinkie!!!!!"
Yo mama so fat, when she got on the scale it read, "One at a time please!"
Yo mama is so stupid, she returned a puzzle because she thought it was broken.
Yo mama so fat, when the doorbell rang, she ran straight to the microwave!
Yo mama so ugly, she makes blind kids cry.
Yo mama is so fat, she uses all of Phoenix, Arizona as her tanning bed.
Yo mama is so dumb, she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.
Yo mama is so dumb, when you left for school on the school bus, she ran after saying "TWINKIE I WANT MY TWINKIE"
Yo mama so big, she uses a mattress as a tampon.
Yo mama so hairy, when you popped out, you got carpet burn.
Yo mama so fat, when she went swimming at the beach, the whales came out and sang "We Are Family."
Yo mama is so fat, she sat on Wal-mart and lowered the prices!
Yo mama is so ugly, she entered an ugly contest and got kicked out!

Now read most lovable Knock Knock Jokes and Best Funny Jokes to enjoy more.

Why did the chicken cross the road Jokes

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: Because he wasn't chicken.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because she was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the playground cross the road?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the band recital.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Dinosaurs are extinct, silly!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the possum it could be done.

Q: Why did the abstract surrealist cross the road?
A: Tomato monkey.

Q: Why did the ocean cross the shore?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
A: She wanted to stretch her legs.

Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.

Best Things to be Asked

Q: What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!

Q: What kind of coffee were they serving when the Titanic hit an iceberg?
A: Sanka!

Q: What do Saami reindeer herders say to reindeer who complain?
A: "Venison!"

Q: What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?
A: Lost! REALLY lost! (Penguins live in Antarctica.)

Q: Why aren't penguins as lucky as Arctic murres?
A: The poor old penguins can't go south for the winter.

Q: What do chefs call "Baked Alaska" in Alaska?
A: "Baked Here"

Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.

Q: Why do seals swim in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

Q: Where can you find an ocean without any water?
A: On a map!

Q: What eight letters can you find in water from the Arctic Ocean?
A: H to O! (H20)

Q: Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?
A: The outside!

Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers?
A: Leeks!

Q: What did Amaruq say after building an igloo out of crystal clear ice?
A: "Living in a transparent igloo has its disadvantages - but you should see the murres smack it!"

Q: Why didn't the tourist in the Arctic get any sleep?
A: He plugged his electric blanket into the toaster by mistake - and kept popping out of bed all night!

Q: What happened when all the muskox wool that was collected was stolen?
A: The police combed the area.

Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.

Q: What did one Greenland Shark say to the other?
A: "Say, good lookin'... didn't I meet you last night at the feeding frenzy?"

Q: What's a sign that you have an irrational fear of icebergs?
A: You start having water-tight compartments installed in your pants.

Q: What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A: "Dam!"

Q: What do women use to stay young looking in the Arctic?
A: Cold cream.

Q: Why was the Saami herder given an umbrella?
A: Because of the rain, dear.

Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
A: I have no eye deer.

Q: What did one Arctic murre say to the other?
A: "What? We flew 2000 miles for THIS?!"

Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!

Q: What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
A: "Where were you on the night of September to March?"

Q: What noise wakes you up at the North Pole around March 18?
A: The crack of dawn!

Q: If you live in an igloo, what's the worst thing about global warming?
A: No privacy!

Q: What did the walrus say when it was late?
A: "I would have been here sooner, but my iceberg hit a ship."

Q: When are your eyes not eyes?
A: When the cold Arctic wind makes them water!

Q: What did the icy Arctic road say to the truck?
A: "Want to go for a spin?"

Q: What do you use to catch an Arctic hare?
A: A hare net!

Q: What do Arctic hares use to keep their fur lookin' spiffy?
A: Hare spray!

Q: What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A: A receding hare line.

Q: Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean?
A: They're both below C level!

Q: What are caribou calves given to wear?
A: Hoof-me-downs.

Q: If it's zero degrees outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
A: ?????

Q: What did the Arctic wolf ask in the restaurant?
A: "Are these lemmings fresh off the tundra?"

Q: What did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?
A: "You hang around while I go on ahead."

Q: What's another name for ice?
A: Skid stuff!

Q: How do you keep from getting cold feet?
A: Don't go around BRRfooted!

Q: Why is the slippery ice like music?
A: If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!

Q: Where do seals go to see movies?
A: The dive-in!

Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
A: Owlgebra.

Q: What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
A: Nothing. It just waved. (That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)

Q: What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: How do you know if there's a snowman in your bed?
A: You wake up wet!

Q: How do you tell the difference between a walrus and an orange?
A: Put your arms around it and squeeze it. If you don't get orange juice, it's a walrus.

Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?
A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...

A Smart Maxican

A smart Mexican, a dumb Mexican, Santa, and the Easter bunny are in a race to the middle of a maze. Who would win?
Answer: The dumb Mexican. The other three don't exists!

Ultimate Hilarious Jokes

Bring smile on your friends faces by sharing these ultimate hilarious jokes. Write you reactions as well. By doing so, you forget pains and troubles for a time being. So whether you are sad or neutral - These material gonna optimize your hours with unstoppable laughter and gonna give you the unforgettable experience ever.

Hilarious

A successful marriage is based on 'Give & Take'
Where husband gives money, gifts, dresses & wife rakes it.
And Wife gives Advices, lecturer, tensions & husband takes it.

----

Innocent boy to a girl at party: Would you like to dance?
Girl smiled and said: Yes.. for sure!
Boy: So can I take this chair?

I don't think I'll ever get the recognition i deserve for being the world's biggest pessimistic narcissist!

My back is not a voice mail. Say it on my face.

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."
The librarian replies, "This is a library."
So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."

If your mom can't find it, it's gone forever.

You want everyone to be great and funny. I'm not saying I'm great, but I'm funny.

Why to keep her at home in witness of all relatives. Keep the problems outside.

Me: Can I copy your homework?
Her: Yeah but the answers are probably all wrong.
Me: I don't care, thanks!

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.

Love at first sight. Well I fall in love with girls at every sight.

The funny thing is, I look at these magazines that make me so insecure and neurotic, but I'm in them!

We all know that one guy who makes excuses for everything and can't own up to shit.

An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

What you eat standing up doesn't count.

Girl to girl: "Awhh, you're really pretty!" "Thank you so much, you are too!" Guy to guy: "You're handsome" "Wtf? Dude are you Gy?"

When your parents call you by your full name, you know shit's gonna happen.

Two astronauts are on the moon. One says to the other "Its nice here isn't it?".
The other replies, "Yes, have you got any crisps ?"

I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR.

A german soldier sticks nine jews and an italian soldier into an oven. His commandant demands to know why he put the italian ally in the oven. I was greasing the oven, he replies. -Kurt

1st thief: Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief: Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class.

Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door.

Me: "Mom... Dad.. I decided to live on my own from now on."
Them: "Ok, cool."
Me: "Your luggage is outside."

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

If that childhood friend is with you - Everyone is getting screwed up.

Kid: I got a 100 marks in school today.
Dad: Wow, what did you get a hundred for?
Kid: Two things -- 50 in English and 50 in Maths.

Pregnancy used to be a beautiful thing. Now it's like, "she pregnant too?" "Oh"

Self control.. please come back to me!



You must continue laughing and enjoyable experience with these Hilarious Jokes and funny quotes.

Top 100 Funny Jokes

'Gain good health with Top 100 best and most hilarious Funny Jokes while entertaining yourself/others because it's never too late to enjoy the life. The best is day is today and most special person is you.'
Topics:
Rare - Smartness - Boss - Blonde - Driver - Relationship - Husband-Wife - Waiter - Marriage - Kids and Teenagers - Funniest - One Liners - Ghost - Overweight - Animals - Thief - Ladies - Satire - Crazy - On Wives

Funny Jokes

Jokes revealed in year 2015-16-17, month - Feb | May | March | July | November '15

May '16:
Admit it, we always say our true feelings with help of jokes..lol

You know you get perks of working with keyboard factory.. you deserve some extra shiftss...


May '16:

While having food in this summer where temperature is touching 45 degree...
We must say thanks to 3 people..
1st. God 2nd. Farmer 3rd. The person who is making it ready in so high temperature.

Once a kid missing. Their parents and relative put status with photo on social media.
Than next day, he found and came back to home.
Still after 2 years, whenever that kid go out side, people catch him and take him home. Lol


A message in group - Please do not leave the group to go outside s temperature is so high..lol


November '15:

A friend was arguing with me that onion is the only food which gets your tear out.
So I throw a coconut on his face to prove him wrong!

Wife in a mood: I want you to whisper something dirty on me.
Hubby: Your dishes!

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo Bees:)

July:

If girl is with you - Restaurant Bill
If girl is far from you - Mobile bill
If girl is separated from you - Than Bar Bill.
Moral - No Girl - No Bills!

Teacher: What small bee gives you?
Kid: Honey!
Teacher: What small goat gives you?
Kid: Milk!
And what buffalo gives you?
Kid: Home work!

A girl gives a kiss to a baby but left her lipstick spot.
Girl: Oops I am sorry..
Kid: It is ok.. if there are strain while doing something.. strains are good!

March:

Me: Do you have a book for men with small his thing?
Librarian: I don't know if it's in yet.
Me: Yeah that's the one.

Where does a dog search for when it loses his tail?
A retail store.

Curves on women are nice, but curves on final exams are even better.

What are the only kind of trees that grow fingers?
Ummm, Palm trees.

Don't "k" me, you bast....

Rare:

The most annoying moment when you put your status single and your ex likes it!

The past of Eat is ate and the future of ate is weight and the most funny part is that people realize it so too late!

----

Husband on wife's grave.. with a table fan.. crying...
Someone comes and asks - did you love her alot?
Man: Which love? she took a promise that you will re-marry when my graves goes dry - I don't know who stupid put lot of water daily here?

----

Telling lie is Sin for kids, must for bachelors, art for lovers, and the way of living calmly for married couples!



----

Where were you last night? mother shouted!
I was in disc/club, son replied.
Oh my god! I hope you didn't see anything which you should not see.
Son: I seen the thing that I should not see there!
What did you seen>
Dad - he softly uttered...

-----

Early to bed, and early to rise proves that..
..
..
..
...
The person has no internet connection!!!:)

----

Lay to advocate: I want to marry my ex husband again!
Advocate: Why, last month you hot the divorce..
Lady: After divorce, he is very happy and I can not tolerate this at all...

----

Couple got fight!
Wife in anger goes to market, buys poison, eats and after sometime..
She did not die..
Husband: Lot of time, I told you, take care while buying things, money is wasted and work is still incomplete!!

----

Man can be happy in 2 situations: 1st - if unmarried; 2nd - if wife has gone to her mother's home.

Smartness:

Man: If we deposite cheque today, how much wil it take to clear it?
Manager: 3 days
Man: But the other bank is just opposite of your bank, them why so long?
Manager: Sir, we need to follow the procedure. For example, if you die outside of crimination center, you will not directly taken there, you need to be taken to the home first then...
Man: Surprised....

------

Duffer, why do you keep on talking with girls all the time..
Boy: I am very poor, even do not have whatsapp in my cell.

-----

Friend: You have sweet shop, don't you feel like eating?
Him: Yes, I love them, but dad put all sweet counted, so I taste them and put them back..!!

-----

Do you know about 7 important most important Men in a Woman's life? No, then here we go:

One. Mr. Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

Two. Mr. Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

Three. That Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

Four. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

Five. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

Six. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

Sever. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

An Economist beautifully explained two reasons for having two wives:
A - Monopoly should be broken
B- Competition improves the quality of service..
If you have one wife she fights with you, if you have two wives they will fight for you
Feel the difference and decide:
Disclaimer: We are not having such experience and not responsible for any side effects!

------

Adam[man] and Eve[woman] were the first human beings in the world
one fine day eve asked Adam' do you love me'
Adam said 'do i have another choice'

------

Male in the club Orders a Beer..

Female next To Him-
What A Co-incidence, Even I Have Ordered the same..

Man-I'm so Happy.

Female-Me too.

Man-Wat A Coincidence.

Lady-My Husband & I Have Tried 4Yrs For A Baby..
Today I'm Pregnant.

Man-Wat A Co-Incidence.
I Am A Farmer
From 4Yrs My Hens Were Infertile,
Today All Laying Eggs

Lady-Wow How Did That Happen?

Man- I Used A Different Cock.

Lady SMILED, & Said
WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!

------

Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work!
Submitted by Alysia Csengery

------

They asked me Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?
Well, they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

------

To avoid getting entangles with child-labor laws, I have decided to appoint a child as a CEO.

Special ego massage, please!

You are right.. Minimalism did not make any sense to me until I began to bald!

------

The kidnapers of your son sir! He says you've grossly undervalued your company to fix the random amount!

------

Ask.. whatever you want, but don't ask me to walk my talk.

------

Dad – Dear, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son – no way..
Dad - She is the daughter of world's richest man.
Son – then its done.
Then his dad goes to that richest man..
Dad - I want your daughter to marry my son.
Rich man – nope
Dad: He is the COO of world bank.
Rich man – then its done.
Then Dad again goes to president of bank.
He asked – appoint my son the COO of the world bank.
Him – Never
Dad: – He is the son in law of World's richest man.
Him – then its fine.

THIS IS Smartness...!!

------

The only thing our students want to hear from you, sir, is how to engineer jobs in the current market!

*****

Boss:

The virus means business. It wants us to send online secure payment to leave our system.

I chose a wrong mentor - what about you?

The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.

Interpretation: It is true when your boss shares something witty, you must laugh otherwise he might feel insulted and your promotion can be stopped. So whether they are funny or not, everyone laughs at them.

Employee : Boss, you called me?
Boss : Yes, go to home and make love with your wife.
Employee : (After an hour) ,done sir
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : Done again, sir.
Boss : Do it once more
Employee : Now I don't have
stamina for it, sir.
Boss : Very good,here are my car
keys, drop my daughter at home.


Explanation: What a smart and proactive boss. He is so doubtful about his employee or daughter that he makes his worker to tried before sending his daughter with him. But anyhow it was a funny experience. Isn't it?

A pregnant lady asked her Sir if she could have the day off because she wasn't feeling fine. He tells her the only way she is leaving work is if she starts her contractions. So she yells "shouldn't, couldn't, Can't, didn't, won't, wouldn't!"

Driver:

Are you afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.

Interpretation: How witty! This joke tells that we all need company to something daring. They are not suggesting how to avoid suicide but giving you idea to be bus driver because there are hundreds more people who can go heaven/hell to accompany you.

Relationship:
Some relationships are like fat girls. They never workout.Interpretation: This joke shows How complicated some relationships are! It doesn't matter how much efforts you put in to improve, there are always some reasons to fight for. It is just like a fat girl who never takes pain to lose weight.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped the girl?
Wiped his back because she kicks really hard!

One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"

Husband-Wife:

One man went to Dr. for check.
Dr. advised: You need perfect and complete rest. You should have peace of soul. This are some medicine for your wife.
Give her and have some peace of mind.

Wife while beating her husband - Neighbour interrupts
Why are you biting this innocent man?
Wife: Please, he is not innocent. I called him and the other girl replied - The person you are calling is busy on another.."


On Bachelor door name plate - Home Sweet Home
And Married person door nameplate - Oh God - I Pray for Silence.

Girl: It is very tough to have love affair with a person who works in bank.
Man: Why?
Girl: I sent him love letter, he send me back remarks -- "signature different"

-----

Once a sad lady was walking along the beach thinking of the worst state of her life cycle. Her husband asked her for divorce. As she was walking, she tripped over something in the sand. The woman picked the object up revealing a lamp.

The woman rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared before her. "I will grant you three wishes," the genie said "but whatever you wish for your husband will get double."

The woman thought and thought, then made her first wish "I wish for 10 million dollars." POOF! The wished for ten million appears at the woman feet, some distance away 20 million dollars appears at her husbands feet.

The woman thinks again and makes her second wish, "I wish for a pile of diamonds three feet high!" POOF! A pile of diamonds appears at the woman feet, a pile of diamonds six feet high appears at her husband’s feet.

The woman thinks and thinks, ponders and ponders; finally she says to the genie "Now, whatever I wish for my husband gets double?" The genie replies, "That is correct."

She makes her third wish, "I wish for you to scare me half to death!"

----

Wife after drinking Beer asked: Who are you?
Husband: "Are you mad! You don't recognize your husband?
Wife: Addiction makes you forget every sorrow - My dear brother!!

-----

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

Interpretation: How situations or attitudes change after just marriage. Love converts into revenge, closeness converts into ignorance and so on. It is human mentality and we have to accept it while readers enjoy it.

Whenever they ask me why females don't gamble as much as males do?
I just give them a uncommon smart reply: Their total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.

Doctor: Please lie down, I need to check you.
Female: Okay but call the nurse too.
Doctor: Why, you don't have trust in me?
Female: I do, but my husband, who is outside, doesn't have trust in me...

Thing to laugh on: How century changes! Gone those day when husbands used to have blind faith their wives. Now they don't even trust them for a single second and all credit goes to those cheaters females who have made all wives the victim of doubt.

Husband: I am feeling so happy while seeing your friend.
Wife: Yeah, I can see your happiness through your jeans.

Interpretation: Yeah, you must be feeling so funny! But it is true that men are like dogs. Girls always know their weak point and males get excited when they notice beautiful girls. Although your wife can see your intentions through your changed behavior, so be cautious!

---

Once a man questioned his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me any fortune?"

"Dear hubby, I'd have married you... NO Matter who left you a fortune!" She replied softly.

---

Every girl need 4 pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all!

---

One day, little Sam was at the park playing when he saw his dad and aunt walk behind the bushes.
He followed them quietly.
What he saw surprised him a lot. Sam ran home and told his Mother... Guess what I saw today!
"How should I know" Mom replied.
"You know, dad at aunty went into the bushes and aunty took off dad's jacket and then..."
"Stop, it is better you to wait until you daddy gets back to home and we have dinner to finish your story?" mom said.
"Fine" said Sam.
And when they were all having dinner, Sam started..
"and then Dad did to Aunt what Uncle did to Mom while Dad was out...."

---

Husband comes home from a tough time of work and finds his wife laying in front of the fire place with her legs wide open.
He asked, "Dear, what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."


---

"What a pleasant surprise.. You came home early" Wife speaks so gladly.
I was forced to do it. I have to obey what my boss told me to do. He ordered: "GO TO HELL"

---

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.

---

A girl worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A boy never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Waiter:

Customer: This soup tastes funny. Waiter: Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?Interpretation: Some people are really too humorous that they can not stop themselves from making fun without the fear of losing their jobs. That what waiter is doing in above situation. After getting that reply that customer may laugh but chances of getting anger are high. Haha

Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love a little affection a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house that's what it means.Interpretation: How playful! That man must be drunk! What a suspense! Yeah, no wife loves that hubby in that way especially you reach home Late! So better to wash your face and see her face carefully.

It's funny when a girl has the nerve to complain that there are no more good men left.

We are all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I am really crazy for good figure but my heart is in love with food.

How do you know if you are mentally ill?
One in 4 people are. Check 3 friends; if they are OK, you're it!


Jacky: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Selina: Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!

Explanation: Above joke's storyline is misunderstanding. You never know the interest of a girl. Like you, she may also be seeking for some cute girls. That is happens with Jacky when he tries to impress Selina in bar! So next time, take care of this thing before you go ahead.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Interpretation: You must be lucky if you're out for business trips. Real fun is always outside with some crazy ways which, of-course, are hated by your family specially wife. Got it! So send lots of love to your family from out of the town and spend great time with their love and without their interference.

No one cares unless you're pretty or dying.
Interpretation: So hilarious! When a girl is so beautiful and you find her in trouble, how bad you feel and do all the effort to help her. What if an ugly man is in trouble? You ignore. So being pretty is really a good feature and God gift!

It's funny how making odd noises can get you into strange situations sometimes.

Shopkeeper: Stop! you can't smoke here.
Me: But I bought the it from your shop.
Shopkeeper: We also sell condoms but that doesn't mean.. but you don't use them here!

Interpretation: What a witty reply when a customer buys something from their shop and insists of using it on his place. I am sure the user has nothing to say after listening that. But we readers can laugh on this joke and gonna share it with friends. Lol!

Marriage:

Marriage is a great institution but I'm not ready for an institution yet.Interpretation: Marriage is a mandatory thing but it's a big big trap. After this, You can not go anywhere, you can enjoy with your friends, you cannot do anything alone. You have to take trouble with you everywhere. So what if it is a good institution, I am too young to join it. Run.... Haha

Global warming was the reason the name Ivy Blue came into being...just think about it!

Saying you have a headache to get out of things because your to lazy to go.

Please understand that I didn’t do it! Unless I was supposed to do it. Then of course I did it.

Sometimes I feel like I am emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit for a very long time!

Q: What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
A: You can unscrew the light bulb.

When butterflies fall in love do they feel humans in their stomach?

Lady to Radio Jockey: It would be a great help if you call to my husband who left me and took all our three kids with him.
Radio Jockey: Yes, for sure... Its on. You please speak your message.
Lady: Honey, kindly return back two kids because only one of them is yours!!!

The old people used to tell me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, 'Ha ha, You’re next!' So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!

After long argument I say 'It's ok' to shut your ugly mouth.

When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.

This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

Friend: You go to concerts on school nights? Me: No, it's more like I go to school on concert nights.

Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.

Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.

You grow on people, but so does cancer.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to them.

Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

Basic research is what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.

If my jokes offend you: 1) I'm sorry. 2) It won't happen again. 3) 1 & 2 are lies. 4) You're a Bit.

Alcoholic? No, I prefer the term Drinking Enthusiast.

What’s so real about reality TV shows?

At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don't trust women!

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

I like sleeping. It’s like death without the commitment.

Kids and Teenagers

Those 3 magical words which makes every girl happy - I am Sorry!!

Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?
Me: It committed suicide, had too many problems.

My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes!

What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt!

Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Kid: No, he did it all by himself.

Lecturer: Why are you looking at those monkeys outside when I am in the class?

Dear future kids of mine , If I find weed in your room , I will take that shit , and I will smoke it.

I hate it when they’re talking and gum falls out of their mouth.

Teenager girl and fatherOnce, a father of a teenage daughter was concerned because his daughter spend too much time on phone; and nobody else in house could use the that line. So, he got a solution, he had a new telephone line installed for her.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone.Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."

Funniest:

PATIENT:Doctor I Keep thinking i am the moon!
DOCTOR:I cant see you now, come tonight..

submitted by jeffrey

Some years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please, don't let Kevin Bacon die!

I’m in a love triangle with me, myself and I.

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: Because his wife died.

That awkward moment when someone knows you, but you don’t know them.

Once a woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?" she said.
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".

Satire

You buy a wonderful costly phone and imagine.. girls will be impressed and you what you get is get lost!

You study hard whole young life and uneducated ministers earn millions..Who is more smart?

Spending whole life loving a single girl.. Day night think of her and she marries a engineer who looks like a black dog.. You get LOL!

One Liners:

Evening news is when they start off with Good Evening and then proceed to telling you why it isn't.

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!

How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.

Energizer bunny arrested-charged with battery.

What did 0 say to number 8?
Nice belt.

Waiter, waiter! There's a slug in my salad.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know you were a vegetarian.

Take the mast off when you speak to me.

Whats a snail?
A slug with a crash helmet.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

A man walked into a bar.
Ouch.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

What would the lamp say to the man?
Nothing. A lamp is an inanimate object.

I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.

What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.

Overweight:

A lady woman was surprisingly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
Doctor: I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip one day, and repeat this instruction for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.
After 2 weeks, when lady returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 15 pounds.
Doctor: Wow, that’s brilliant! Did you follow my plan?
Lady nodded. I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
Doctor: From hunger, you mean?
Lady: Nope... from skipping!

Ghost:

You always don't look in the bathroom mirror late at night because there might be someone behind you.

Blonde:

Why did the blonde visit the post office 50 times in one day?
Her computer kept saying she has mail.

Save a horse... Ride a cowboy!
- Jay Leno

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champion.

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to Disney World?
She saw a sign saying: "Disney World Left" so she went home.

Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
Because they can't remember the recipe.

Animals:

What to give a sick pig?
Oinkment

What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".

On which day do lions eat people?
Chewsday!

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.

Once a turtle was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks

2 tigers went into a pub and after ordering two beers, took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub owner. So the 2 tigers swapped their sandwiches.

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.

What do you call a camel without any humps?
Humphrey!

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.

A pig's favorite ballet?
Swine Lake

Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don't work.

Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Thief

Once a thief enter in a home and finds a note on locker - "Please don't break the lock, Just push the button and it will open easily.
So he does the same But after doing that - Police arrives!
Thief Shouts: There is no value of Honesty!

Once a husband said his credit card was stolen but he made his mind to not to go for F.I.R. because that thief was spending less than his spouse used to!

How do you keep people from stealing your bagels?
Put lox on them.

Ladies

2 ladies were fighting for a seat in metro on man suggested: Whoever is older should take the seat.
than..... both seat remained free. :)

The average fight between men lasts 5 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 11 years.

I am looking for a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.

Crazy:

Height of positiveness: As a buy comes out from his home, a bird flies by and shits on his head. Guess how this guy reacts? "Oh, my goodness, Thanks God! ELEPHANTS DON'T FLY!"

Den: My souse went for horse-riding to lose weight. Lost 6kg!!
Jay: Hard work pays!
Den: No! She didn't but that horse lost the weight!

Man: Hey little kid! Why are you running? Do you know who am I?
Crazy Kid: Lol, When you even don't know who you are, how can I?

On Wives:

Husband buys a mouth fresher for wife.
Wife: Why you don't buy for you.
Husband: I remain silent anyways.

teacher: Name two animals that live in a cold region?
student: A polar bear and his wife

Wife is like a god's prasad (fruit), you have to eat it without making any complaint.

Wife: I heard that men get angels in heave and what women get?
Man: God only listens to those who are needy!

Lady: People say that in heaven Man and woman can not live together!
Male: Yes, that is why it is known as heave!

why does traffic stop when old people smile,
because their teeth are so yellow.

For voting you age should be 18 but for marriage you must be 21, why?
Wise man replies: Because government knows that taking care of the wife is bigger task than taking care of nation.

You can read top 100 short jokes written in this humorous blog to have more and more laughter.

Top 100 Short Jokes

'Bringing together the world's top 100 most Hilarious Short Jokes ever to obtain the ultimate sense-of-humour. It helps every individual to step into the world of uncontrollable laughter and humour. So why not to use these cool pranks to giggle which improves your health. This stuff is absolutely available free and very easy to recall to be shared. Humour is really a good medium to remove boredom and to start a good conversation anywhere. There is a good story - Once a joker said a good joke and people laughed a lot, he again repeated the joke then people could not enjoy that much and he again repeated it and no one laughed. Than he said when you can not laugh again and again on same thin gs why DO you be sad on same sorrow again and again? No one laughs without any reason so here we give you that reason. So don't skip this chance of having fun because it gonna give you lots of hidden benefits.'
Jokes Categories:
2017 Best | Newly Added | fart | Info-Graphic | Very Small | Quick/Fast | On Wives | American | Kids | Most Popular | Boyfriend Girlfriend | Dwarf/Midget



Laugh

neighbor joke
wife

While analyzing, we feel that there should license to drive whatsapp, people are driving it like crazies..

Shopkeeper: What you need?
Husband: I need power to fight with my wife.
Shopkeeper: Ok, you should buy a quarter of whiskey, with some ice and peanuts!

-----

Do you know what makes a big difference?
In morning when it is 7:00 and 7:05!

-----

How many Pear you can eat when your stomach is empty.
Girl: 7 Pears.
No, you are wrong, you can eat only one.
Girl: How can you say that.
Because when you eat 2nd Pear, your stomach will not empty!

------

Imagine the moment when you are flying in plane on very high altitude and from the window, you see a man flying with air bags with a board saying: I was your Pilot!

------

On the wall there was a note - Dogs are peeing.
But a man still did it.
Another man asked: why you are doing so?
He replied: See I am doing and it goes to dog's credit.

-------

In marriage, daughter runs and goes back to her room..
Mother stops her on the way and says: please do not go back, just go with your hubby.
Daughter: Please leave me, I am just going back to take my phone charger, it is gonna die!

-------

Teacher: Name some countries?
Australian Kid: Australia..
Teacher: That is it?
Kid: Yes.
Teacher: Aren't Africa, UK, US, India, Singapore, Europe countries?
Kid: Nope, They are not country, they are Foreign countries..

-----

Through Apple - Vitamin
Through Vitamin - Power
Through Power - Work
Through work - Money
Through Money - Love
Through Love - Marriage
Through Marriage - Wife
Through Wife - Tension
Through Tension - Illness
Through Illness- APPLE

Whenever, there is fight with wife - Than it feels like I should suicide..
But.. I stop myself by thinking - There are very less tigers in the world..

-----


There is two kinds of suicide..
One is take a rope and hand on fa..Second have marriage and hand on whole life..

-----

When you do lot of sins and stock is full of sins....than...
than.. he gets married..)

----

water laughter help

-----

Shelly: Why it is feel like husband and kite seems alike..
Aliza: Why?
Shelly: Because, both are kept loose, flies here and there!

----

Tell us the name of the woman who 100% knows where her husband is?
.....thinking...
Ans is: A widow woman

Dr: Your one kidney has failed..
Man: First cried a lot than stopped and asked.... failed.....from how many numbers???

After exercise I always eat pizza, Just kidding.. I don't Exercise!!

----

No matters, how good work, noble cause you do... people always remember those who dies after borrowing some dollars!!

----

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

----

All men are brave,
Horrors movies don't scare them...
But.....
10 missed calls from wife-----surely does!


Those 8 seconds really become so longer when you wait for "Skip" option button on video sharing site!

What did the cockroach say to the man who wanted to squash it?
You are just jealous of me. The reason being - I make your spouse scream louder than you!

Man: Why are beating your son in law so badly?
He replies: I sent hi message that you have become father but he forwarded this message to his friends!

Boy messages text his Girl "Honey, I can't live without you! When you come to me?"Here is the KILLING Reply -"Who is dying! I lost my saved numbers, kindly tell me your name?"

I thing..Fear Factor would have been much scarier if it had just been people in their twenties trying to figure out how to have careers!

Photographer: My secret of success is? 'Think negative'!

Make no mistakes. The junior is your biggest prospect!

Wife: If I would have been married to a Monster, I would have been felt much better than with you...
Man: But marriages are not allowed in same blood relation!!

I have already acted on your memo on saving power in my department by an immediate ban on employee empowerment!

customer: sorry but i asked cheese without holes
waiter: well then, eat the cheese and leave the holes
by- elshaday

My teacher pointed at me with her ruler and said that at the end of this ruler is a dumb. I got a detention after asking which end!

It is better to be late than to arrive ugly!

How Bedroom smells after marriages:

First 3 months - Perfumes and Flowers!

After 12 months - Baby Powder, Cream, diapers and Lotions!

After 7 Years - Balms, Move and pain killers..

Why do she make weird faces in pictures? Because it's better to look ugly on purpose.
Description: Here we poke fun at the people who pretend to be over-smart. Some people think that they are very genius that we can not smell what's happening in their mind. But they catch her. I know she is not beautiful so that is why she makes crazy faces in pictures. After reading 'ugly on purpose' statement, no-one can control their laughter.

When will Persian cats begin to join the armed forces?
When you cut their furlough.
submitted by Julia Gandrud

If Olive Oil is made from Olives and Vegetable oils from Vegetables, then what is Baby oil made from???
submitted by Naveen Khanna

Him: I kiss my Wife everyday before I leave for Office, what about you?
Me : Me too, after you leave!!

What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.

The doctor comes out into the waiting room for the next patient. He's shocked to see a man sitting there with a frog growing out of his head. The doctor's cries, "Oh my god, how did that happen?"
The frog answered "I don't know; it began as a pimple on my but-t."

One day little sunny and his friend were playing by a stream. Sunny noticed a bush and went over to it. His friend couldn't figure out why sunny was at the bush for so long so he went over to the bush to have a look. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing without any clothes in the stream.
While playing, suddenly little sunny took off running. His friend couldn't understand why he had run away so he took off after him. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he had run away. Little Johnny said, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady
I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

Dad: What time did you go to bed last night?
Me: Sorry but that information is confidential!

Point of laughing: This is very exhilarated joke. It portrays the conversation between parents and their teenagers. They are so fun and party loving that asking for what time they sleep really creates the situation to laugh on. It need not to be disclosed!

Warning: Touching wire can cause instant death.
250$ fine too!

I think...therefore, I'm.... single!

Boyfriend Girlfriend

Bf: Texts to his gf: Please return my photo as I got a new girlfriend.
GF: She sends almost 50 photos of different boys and replies - I don't recall your face, choose whichever is yours.

Info-Graphic

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said - I need your weight not your phone number.Description: Of-course she is so fatty and over-weighted that the scale got afraid of her weight and replied, I can not answer in 10 digits. A kind of satire as well as cool punch.

Life's too short not to take risks joeksDescription: They say take risk to get success in life but our comedians say that the span of life is really very very short so why to put in danger by taking risks. Why not to live into our comfort-zones and enjoy watching others doing stupid things. The main motto is to have lots of fun while we are alive. What a cool statement!

Alcohol is never the answer But it does make you forget the question
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Description: It is rightly been said that the person who wants to drink finds lots excuse for doing it. So when someone asks them that it is not the right solution for the problem, he immediately replies that alcohol is too good in forgetting all tensions.

There are four animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage, mink in her closet, tiger in her bed! And of-course a donkey to pay her bills!Boy: Wanna hear a joke?
Girl: No thanks. I'm already looking at one.

Watching a beautiful girl! That is the major reason for road accidents!
Road Accidents

Those awkward conversations with the hairdresser.
Description: Yeah, That awkward moments when you go to saloon, sit on his chair and have nothing to talk about but still try to utter something. Do you hear that voice of your brain - what the hell I am talking about.

World's shortest Joke ever is when Doctor asks: How's your headache?
Patient: She is fine!

Description: So if you are married you better understand this. She always go after you and can not see you happy at all. She keeps on the burden of expectation to husband and filled with endless complaints. So how is that!

Jokes on Dwarf/Midget

My neighbor is so short, when he sneezes, he hits her head on the floor.
Description: The right joke when you want to make punch on those small height people. Their forehead touches the ground, LoL. Thank God they don't fall down and roll!

Never ask for the ‘High Five' from a short person, you can ask for a ‘Low Five'!

Yo mama so small she poses for trophies!

Are you able to see over the steering wheel.

The surprising thing you can hear from a midget is 'Your hair smells good'.

He asked me: How's the weather up there? and I replied: Its warm, how's it down there?

When capris reach to your ankles.

Girl goes on a party but on her way she hits a small car. the car stops and a dwarf comes out. He runs to the girl's cars and yells "I am not Happy!" so she replies: "Then which one are you?"

Once a midget gets on an elevator and somehow pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The short man stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen." The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-10, weigh 286 lbs., and I repair fax machine, I'm Turner Brown." He faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6-10, weigh 286 lbs., I repair fax machines, my name is Turner Brown." He looked relieved and started laughing. "For a minute there, I thought you said ‘I am a s ex machine, Turn Around'."

Girl having Lessor height goes to the doctors with a sore fanny, she says can you cure it doctor, he says yes, goes down below with a pair of scissors.
After he finished, she asks: Have you cured it.
Yes, doctor says
But how? Girl asks?
I just cut two inches off the top of your wellies!!

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Interpretation: Don't try above formula to impress your boos. Just kidding. But how smarty he uses the terms early and late just by replacing one with another.

I want you to continue sacking. I don't want people to believe that we've one soft.

For quick personal success, listen to my mantra: 'Please your boss'!
Interpretation: It is strange but true! As I am doing extremely well by doing so. Try your best to make your boss happy, laugh with him, say yes to his all wrong decisions and grow enough.

Mack: What sign were you born under?
Silky: No Parking!

Description: What a hilarious reply. Mack was just asking about her sun-sign but she made him fool by her witty answer. It also refers that she believes in breaking the rules even since from her birth!

Quick and Fast Jokes

husband in a book store" Do you have a book called, Husband the master of the house?
Sales girl: Sir, Comics are on the first floor..

---

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
Explanation: Don't underestimate old people! They are much experienced in everything and their stamina rocks. That is why she surprised he grandson by her reply. Can you imagine? Really so brave but funny too!

Behind every great man is a woman with a hostage.
- Jim Kinloch

If we count sheep to fall asleep, what do they count?
A Shepherd

What makes marriage such a great institution? Who wants to live in an institution after all?I was smoking and a beautiful woman asked: So you smoke? Me: Gosh, it’s a miracle. It was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!

An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

When someone follows you all the way to the shop and watches you buy toilet roll, you know your life has changed. - Jennifer Aniston

Everyone hates the sound of their own voice on video?

Fart

An old woman goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady comes back.
“Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent…stink terribly.”
The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Very Small

You can always double your drive space.
How?
By deleting Windows!

But for gravity, I'd be a high-flyer.

Girl: Do you hate me?
Boy: Nope, I don't.. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

I wonder that cat's hair is lonely people glitter.

Once a small boy tries to press a doorbell on a house.
I lady noticed that. That boy is very small and the doorbell is too high. Lady thinks that she should help him. So she comes near to him, lifts him and boys rings that doorbell. She asks to that kid: Now what, sweet little man?"
Smart kid replied: Lets run!

I want you to look at me the same way I look at pizza!

Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room.

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

Something you mount: "A mountain.."

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.

What's long, hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber.

What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine!

I love tiny, plastic realistic food magnets. I don't know why. They're hilarious.

Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot.

J C: I have an engineering degree what should i do with?
P K: Sell it at OLX. LoL.

Fastest mode of communication - Tell a girl a rumor and take promise to keep it as a secret.

I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.

My train of thought just ran off the track.

"My memory is really so bad" "How bad is it?" "How bad is what?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Rape is such a horrible word that I would replace it with snuggle!

Me: I want a hot and attractive body.
Me: Does/apply absolutely nothing to achieve this.

Only in math problems can you buy 50 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them.

I love watching scary movies!" *10 minutes later* "Friend walk me to the bathroom.

The natural man has only two primal passions, to get and beget.

That neighbor knocked on my door at 1.15am this morning, can you believe that 1.15am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...

Are you from Toy Story? Because you just gave me a Woody

"The spider is more sacred of you than you're scared of it!" "Oh really, did it tell you that?!"!

Where are otters from?
Otter Space

'Are you athletic?' Yes, I surf the Web.

Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game?
Because all the fans have left.

I am forever alone.. Ops.. Correction, forever available.

So much to do, so little time.

It was love at first site - The love with Internet.

Smoking weed doesn't make me a bad person, just like going to church doesn't make you a good person.

There is always a negative person who demotivates your ideas by adding 'What if'.

So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.
They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.
And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!"
And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"

"I wasn't that drunk..." "Dude, you were in my bathroom begging my sponge for the krabby patty formula."

Men are liars.
But we lie about lying if we have to.

Ask me if I'm Sky!
Are you a Sky?
No.!

A kiss can be 10 times more effective than morphine in reducing pain by triggering the body's natural painkillers.

How do you turn a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give her a shovel.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

How do you know all men are idiots?
I married their king!

In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Yes, I do can take a joke. That just wasn't funny.

Mother-in-law is a woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

Brain damage is what we were after– chromosome damage was just gravy.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

What do you call two blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.

My commitment is to truth, not consistency.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

My life is as good as a romantic comedy except there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes.

I am sure that I am an awesome singer but when no one is listening.

I get irritation when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

The number one problem in our country is apathy, but who cares!

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Her friend asked her how to spell pen is, and she told - you should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue.

You hate the moment when you wash your car and it rains later

Patrick: I'm mad. Spongebob: Why's that? Patrick: I can't see my forehead.

Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

"EVERYONE SHUT UP" *answers phone* "Hi Dad.."

It’s not who wins or loses, it’s who keeps score.

I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not looking for change.

I’m passing directly from barbarism to decadence..

Yeah officer, I saw the "speed limit" sign, I just didn't see you!

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Earth is full. Go home.

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam!

Miss (on call): You say Ronny has fever and can’t come to school today?
I am speaking to?
Reply: Well, This is my father.. Lol

It is so ridiculous when people say you've changed. It's like, yeah I also used to be a fetus, but now look at me.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand …

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Leave bad enough alone!

Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!

Give him a penny for him thoughts, you’ll get change.

He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.

How did the woman feel after she got ran over? Tired!

I could say something brilliant at any moment!

What do you call a zipper on a banana?
A fruit fly.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

I'm smiling. This should scare you.

What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels!

How did the police scare the bugs away?
They called for the S.W.A.T. team.

Why do chicken coups have two doors? Cuz if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan!

Why don't elephants ride bikes? Because they don't have a thumb to ring the bell!

Females always try to impress males by wearing hot dresses. But we are Impressed Only when They remove them.

Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid? Because he's back in town and he wants your number.

I'm not sure what's wrong... But it's probably your fault!

I love mankind–It’s people I can’t stand.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Your future depends on your dreams – So go to sleep.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

The universe is laughing behind your back.

If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing a seat belt.

That awkward moment when you catch someone's eye exactly when they're picking their nose.

Girls eyebrows these days be looking like they got sponsored by sports Nike!

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

i do not understand why people take me so seriously i never even know what I am saying.

I Hate being fat but I love eating food.

Morning things --
Me: okay it's 7 am
Me: I should get up me: just five seconds
Me: 5 minutes
Me: 5 hours
Me: 5 days
Me: 5 years

When I am at t work and don’t know what to do, I just tend to walk fast and try to look worried.

I wonder If a bra is called an 'over the shoulder bolder holder', then what would you call men underwear?
It would be known as under the but nut hut?

Hey officer! There's a bomb in my gallery!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within 2 days, you can keep it.

Man goes to the vet about his dogs fleas. The vet: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.' Man asks why. 'Because he's far too heavy.'

Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.

A guy on his 50th wedding anniversary: "Fifty years! It's like three minutes...under water.

It's funny when people are telling you a story and you're just thinking 'lie lie lie' but you go along with it anyway..

It's your money. You paid for it.

Man: There is a strawberry growing out of my head.
Dr: I'll give you some cream to put on it.

I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.

A man was complaining to a friend: "I HAD IT ALL - MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE." "WHAT HAPPENED?" asked his friend. He says "MY WIFE FOUND OUT."

What kind of shoes are made from bananas skins?
Slippers.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

What did the birdy say when it flew over wal-mart?
cheap cheap cheap!

Mark: What's 5Q plus 5Q?
Lucy: TenQ?
Mark: You're welcome!

You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.

2017 Best Jokes:
As you grow up, you keep on getting RICH..

Silver on Hair.. Gold in Teeth, Cataract in Eyes, Sugar in Blood and Stones in Kidney...LOL


Wife: Where are your going?
Husband: I going for suicide
Wife: Take one bag with you..in case i you change your mind, bring some onions, potato and vegetables please ..:)

Once a woman gets a sneeze so big that her trouser gets gets down.
She smiled and said: OMG, Today the person has crossed the height of remembering me..

Boy to girl: I heard that everybody dies on your killing smile.
If you don't mind, can you please spare some time to come to my home. I need to kill one mouse.

2 guys were talking in train:
first said: I am going to get married because I am fed up of outside food, cleaning hoke, washing clothes.
2nd man replied: For the same reasons, I am going to get divorced.

2 women were talking: today is my man's birthday, what gift should I give him?
Another said: Give her the gift of Divorce..

Newly Added:

In world, there are only 1% girls who participate in sports and play..
Rest?
Rest 99% do marriage and play with husband's life :)

Man: I am really so confused and tensed.
Friend: Why? what happened
Man: Dear, I can not bear the make up / beauty expenses of my wife and without that I can not bear her:))

Man to friend: Dear what should I do, every year, I become father of new child..
Friend: Use precautions..
Man: I do use..
Friend: Then distribute to the neighbors..

Wife: Did you read?
There is a news in paper, 30% of women take medicine for mind to work properly.
Husband: Oh, that means still 70% are working without medicine?

Somebody asked me what is LIFE?
Best answer: The time after office life...

Friend: I wish study would have been like LOVE, it happens itself.
Me: Oh no dear, I wish love would have been life study, parents push hard for it... Lol

True Story: One place in USA - A birth happen.
On birth - I was 15 Kg and after 10 minute - it stood!
After 3 days - it stared running!
After 25 days - its weight was 40 kgs..
Surprised? Haha - it was kid of Buffalo!

Once a man goes into the college to fill the form.
It took 7 days to fill the form.
Principal asked why did it took too long?
Man: Because I went to to Capital to fill it. (It was written to fill it in capital)

Teacher: Which come first - Moon or Sun?
Student: Moon.. I am sure!
Teacher: How can you be so sure?
Student: It is simple. First honeymoon comes and only after it Son comes! :))))

Wife: Where are you hubby?
Husband: Doing Motivate..
Wife: To whom you are motivating?
Husband: Duffer... Moti wait.. (Moti means fatty)

They say that we must keep our dreams alive.. so I always press snooze button and carry on!

Interviewer: Which city is most costly city in country?
Candidate: Electricity!

English man: Haha, we have been spoiling you mother land for 200 years
We: LOL we are spoiling your mother tongue regularly for more than 400 years!

Every husband has a wireless connection by default..
Guess how...
It is called - 'Wife Eye'

Wife: While staring the sky, asks her husband - What is that one thing which you can see daily but can not not break!
Husband replied with a smile: You face....

Boss and mother in law can never be changed and come on same category..
If you give them you kidney they will never be happy.
above, a very good comment on modern era of bosses as well as mother in laws..

Mom to kid: The one who follow my advice and do not argue with me - will win lot of gifts from me
Kid: This is not fair - All the gifts will be won by our dad only!!

Beggar at door shouts: I have no objection in eating breads, butter, rice, ice creams, fast foods..
The lady shouts from inside: Does this man eat slippers?
Beggar: No, hard stuff is not prohibited by doctor!!

What is checkmate?
You tell your wife I saw a lady, looked exactly life you..
Wife asks: Was she Hot?
Now you can't say 'No'
You can't say 'Yes'

Here's the Perfect scene of Good/Bad Luck at same time?
The clever wind blows a girl's skirt high (Good Luck)
But on that moment dust falls into the boy's eyes (Bad Luck)


Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they’re always being lied to about what 8 inches really is!

How do you turn a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give her a shovel.

Me: It smells like updog.
Them: What's updog?
Me: Nothing much. What about you?
submitted by Danielle Waldrop

When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
How do you know you live in the real world?
You get evicted now and again!

Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.

What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
Odor in the court.

What do you call a man who inherits a dairy?
Well.. A Dairy Heir!

When you seen someone in dirty clothes, old watch and sad face.. Don't mistaken him with Poor man.. He may be a married man!

When a nickname for a slim person: "Slimy.."
What would it be for a liquid: "Paint.."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

Interviewee: Tell me, why did you leave your previous job?"
Interviewer: The company relocated and they did not inform me where!

What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".

Their honeymoon period is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.

A friend is like Asian paint...Changes your life!
A Girlfriend is like Everest spice.. which is best in taste!
But a wife is like Mosquito coil... which kills you from every corner!

What kind of fish has two knees?
A tunee fish.

What is the best way to beat a blonde?

Why beer is better than women - You can enjoy a beer all month long!

What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.

Just married couple after first night!
Husband: Let me be frank - It is not my first time.
Wife: Well. let me also clear that you still need to learn a lot.


I just lost the prize by 1 point. That last question was, "Where do females mostly have curly hair"?
I was confident that i was correct, but that mad computer replied "Africa".


Teacher: How old is your mother?
Kid: As old I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Kid: Because she become mother the day I took birth!!


A girl sees Aladdin's magic lamp and starts rubbing it than a Genie comes out:
The girl requests the Genie to grant her some wishes:

- He should sleep always by my side.
- When he gets up, I should be the first thing he grabs.
- He must take me everywhere he goes.
- My hubby should have eyes only for me.
- I should be only one in his life.

The Genie turned that GIRL into a Mobile!!!


You put a sneef sticker bottom of the pool and write sneef here..

On Wives

If you want happiness and silence in Home: Below is the rule:--

You look beautiful.
You do lot of work.
You look so slim.
You must be tired.
Please take care of yourself.
Your father/mother and brother, all are so nice people. Hahaha


Wife to priest husband: Good news, you are going to be a father.
Husband: After deep though - who did this secret donation..

Come on - Lets see the world through a wife's eyes!

World's most perfect Man - Her Father!
World's most beautiful woman - Her Mother!
World's most Intelligent female - She herself!
World's most sad husband - Her Brother!
World's most Handsome boy - Her Son!
World's most luckiest man - Her sister's husband!
World's most mad woman - Her Mother in Law!
World's most dumb, selfish, liar, miser and useless man - ........ Should we need to tell this??? :(

American

Once in USA, a new machine is made to catch the thieved..
Result...
In America - 1 day and catch 10 thieves..
In Korea - 1 Day and catch 15 thieves
In India - 1 day and Machine is being theft..

In marriage - A man kept on eating for long time..
Some one asked: Till when you continue eating..
Man: I myself very tensed - but in card , it is written that dinner 7 to 12..

Kids

One thief entered in a home, took everything and was about to leave than a kid (who a noticing all this) shouted, stop and steal my school bag as well otherwise I am gonna shout!

----

Why are you late in class?
Kid: Because of ,y parents fight.
Teacher: How their fight can make you late?
Kid: Because one shoe was with mom and other was with dad!

----

A teacher was telling his students how whales can be so big but with small throat and belly, so they cannot eat anything other than small fishes.
A 5-year old girl objected, "But in the Bible a whale ate Jonah."
Teacher: "No, that's not possible."
Girl: "Yes, it is. The whale swallowed Jonah and didn't even chew!"
Teacher: "I'm telling you, that is not possible!"
Girl: "Well, when I go to heaven, I'll ask Jonah about this."
Teacher: "What if Jonah went to hell?"
Girl: "Then YOU ask him."

Most Popular

Where do bees go to the bathroom?
The BP Station!

Did you hear about a man who swallowed a coin?
There is no change yet!

One of man in our village got award on his amazing farming work!
He was really outstanding in his field!

What is mary short for?
She has got no legs..


He has dream about a horse last night, turned out to be a nightmare!

what is black and white red red allover
A newspaper..