All Men

All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all others.

A retired husband is often a wife's full time job.

Easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Cowculator

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Olive Toop
Olive Toop Who?
So do I, but I don't brag about it.

I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.

This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.

Just insignificant

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea?
Because the Canadiens have all the cups.

Whats the difference between the Leafs and a cigarette machince?
The cigarette machince has PLAYER'S.

Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine.

Would like to live with?

A kid was standing in court beside a judge. His parents were getting divorce and the judge asked him which parent he would like to live with.

With your mother?"
"No! she beats me all the time
"Ok,
So with your father.
"No! he beats me every night as well!

"Well if both your parents beat you then who do you want to live with?".

The boy replies "The Toronto Maple Leafs." The judge is puzzled. "why would you want to live with them?" he asks. The boy replies "Because they dont beat anyone!"

Beautiful or Cute?

Once a lawyer wakes up from his disease after treatment, and notices his spouse besides him. His eyes little open and he utters, "Hey beautiful!" and then he falls asleep again.
His wife gets a shock because he never heard it from him.
After 10 minutes, he again opens his eyes and he says “Hey cute!"
She asks what happened? Earlier you were calling me beautiful but now cute. why?
"The drugs are wearing off!" He replies!

Thoughtful and touching thing

One day, two friends play golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 29 years."

Belt get locked

Q: Why did the belt get locked up?
A: He held up a pair of pants.

Girl After Wine

When a girl takes Alcohol, there are lots of funny dramatic things happen with her. She does lots of daring and amusing tasks. Before and after drink, there is world of difference between her personality. Lets have a look at them:

You really believe that dancing with your arms, rounding your head, and wiggling your back portion while shouting 'Woo-hoo!' is perfectly coolest dance move ever.

You start hugging your friends and expressing you love them more than anyone else.

You get very exited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because 'Oh my God! This is ma favorite song!'

You've suddenly started smoking and be really perfect at first go.

You start yelling at bartender, who you believe cheated you by giving you just lemonade.

It feels like you are in bed but pillow feels like tough floor.

You've suddenly decided that you love to kick someone's back and sincerely believe you could do it.

At you last visit to pee, you realize that you now look more like a homeless hooker than the simple sweet goddess you were just before few hours ago.

You throw your sandals because you believe it's their fault that you're having walking problem.

When a vehicle hits you you have no idea where your mobile and purse are.

You are not obnoxious

You are not obnoxious like so many other people..
SO what I am?
You are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.

Great legs

In a club, there was some big fat bird dancing on that table.
As I walked past, I said great legs.
She said "really, thank you"
I said yeah, most tables would have collapsed by now.

What's WRONG with me

A lady early in morning, rushed to visit her doctor. She was looking very much tensed and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....

With Your Wife

A man goes to a bar and asks for a beer.
Waiter replies: Sure Sir, Its cost is one cent." "One Cent?"
the man exclaims. He glances at the menu and asks: How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?
A nickel, the barman replies.
"A nickel?" exclaims the man.
Where's the man who owns this place?
The bartender replies: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asks: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies: The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.