Cheerios box

What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box?
"Omg, Donut seeds!"

Not long enough

A couple are trying to set up a new password for their a/c.
The husband puts, "My that" and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Dialing 911

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.

Polar bears vote

Where do polar bears vote?
At the north poll!

Hen-pecked

A husband is a man who when someone tells him he is hen-pecked, answers, yes, but I am pecked by a good hen.

Skeletons fight

Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.

Water and boat

Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.

For lunch

What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
fission chips!

Yeah, right

Teacher: Two positives can't equal a negative
Student: Yeah, right!

Dinosaurs

Why can't dinosaurs speak English?
Because they're dead!

Worker

What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?
!Oh snap!

Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date

1. You're wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where's the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You're going to order that? Seriously?
10. You're how old?
― Gena Showalter

Golfer's advantage

What advantage does a golfer have over a fisherman?
He doesn't have to produce anything to prove his story.

Dad's Age

Them: How old is your dad?
Me: As old as me.
Them : How can that be?
Me: He became a father only when I was born.

Getting on my nerves

Sheila: That boy is getting on my nerves.
Rosie: What nonsense -- he is not even looking at you!
Sheila: That is what is getting on my nerves.

Question

Larry: Can I ask you a question?
Me: You just did.

A tick and a lawyer

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Finest Lie

Two kids were arguing when the teacher entered.
Teacher: Why are you arguing?
Kid: We found a 20 dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the finest lie.
Teacher: Sham on you. When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.
The kid gave bill to the teacher.

Far worse way

You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.

I don't mind

I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.

Take life

"Take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila." - Anon

Long face

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says "why the long face?

Last night fight

The fight we had last night was my fault.
My wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.

Nice Decent Clean Jokes

'If you want to read Nice and Decent Clean Jokes then it is the best place for your desire. Undoubtedly you can share these modest jokes with your family, relatives, elders and younger.'

Very Neat - Very Funny - Responsive - Cute - Evergreen - General

General:

Difference between talent and God gift:
A man can give lecture for 2 hours on many subjects. This is talent
A woman can give lecture for 2 hour without any subject - this is a God gift!

What two things can never be eaten for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner

What is so special about Pretty Bunny’s jewellery?
It is made from 14 carrot (carrat) gold

Where can you always find a tiger’s head?
Four feet from its tail.

What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.

How do you make one disappear?
Add a ‘g’ or an ‘n’ to ‘one’!

Very Funny:

if a girl says - I don't like shopping...than marry her!

After making girlfriends, guys actually know how costly the life style is.

Wife: What is the spelling of Happiness
Husband: U.N.M.A.R.R.I.E.D.

Some kids are so cute that after seeing them - we desire to meet their moms..

Beggar Gets 10 cents from madam on red light.
Her shouts: this is not fair..
Madam: Why?
Beggar: One last red light, you donated USD 10..
Mada,m: How did you know?
Beggar: While showing his apple phone, see he shouted in group on whatsapp!

Kid: My teacher is cute and beautiful.
Dad: Son, teacher is like mother.
Kid: Selfish, you always think o your self.

Responsive:

How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree?
A wave.

Something a bridegroom might wear: 'A dress..'

Dr: When did you first notice you had diarrhea?
Patient: When I took off my bicycle clips.

Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: 'Feeds your pets..'

My girlfriend told me choose any one - "friends or me". Sometimes I miss her.

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

*Stalks crush on Facebook*... *Accidentally likes status from 2009*... *Deletes Facebook*... *Sets computer on fire*... *Leaves country*

What do a mole and an eagle have in common?
They both live underground, apart from the eagle.

Cute:

Girl's logic: When you like a guy, do nothing about it and expect him to magically know and make the first move.

You breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.

Something that makes you close your eyes: "Dark.."

What's the difference between driving in golf and driving a car?
When you drive a car you don't want to hit anything.

Wife : Do you want meal?
Husband: What are my choices?
Wife: Denial or acceptance.

Evergreen:

The pig who fell in the DIRTY MUD took a CLEAN bath

The robber who was robbing was caught by a GOOD policeman

Very Neat

Child : With report card in hand..

Mother: So whats your final grade?

Child : Underwater

Mother : what does that mean?

Child: Below C LEVEL (Sea.. you know..)

When are the steps rude????
When they stair at you!


Kld : (returning from his match in his floor) "Mom", can I have an apple?
Mom: Baby, you just ate one.
Kid: An apple a day keeps the doctor away and I just broke his window.

Now jump to Funny Quotes.

Top 100 Knock Knock Jokes

'Do you know the best-known format of the pun in the style of "call and answer" exercise? A kind of role-play type of game, with a punster and a recipient of wit. Yes, Knock knock jokes! So enjoy here Top 100 best of them.'

Knock Knock - Mary I slip in My Chocolate Lake Again

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Anee.
Anee,who?
Anee one you like!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cows go
Cows go who?
Cows go moo not who.
knock knock
who's there
Andy!
Andy who
Andy bit me again owwwwwwwwwwww.
submitted by: Ruby
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was
in his apple.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dwen
Dwen who?
Dwen the bathroom
I'm dweening!
submitted by:Elizabeth
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cow’s go
Cow’s go who?
Cow’s don’t go who, they go moo!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did
you get it?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my home
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
I eat map.
I eat map who?
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
submitted by Katniss Everdeen
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in it’s cold out here.
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo Hoo?
Don't cry, it's just me!
submitted by Ray York
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Who
Who Who?
l Didn't know you were an owl!
HARDEE HAR HAR
By: Leroy Jenkins
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you a owl?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Knock-knock
Who's there?
A pile-up.
A pile-up who?
Knock, knock
Who's there
Angelina Jolie
Angelina Jolie who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
(mime overdone horror) Oops! I did it again!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
Knock-knock-
Who's there?
Poop
Poop-who?
HAHA YOu SAID POO-POO
submitted by Ryan
Knock Knock
Who's There
Cargo
Cargo who?
Car go beep beep!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honey bee.
Honey bee who?
Honey bee a dear and get me a soda!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting doctor.
Interrup-You have cancer.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
BenBen who?
Ben knocking on the door all afternoon!
Who's there?
Radio!
Radio who?
Radi-o not, here i come..
Who's there?
Thistle.
Thistle who?
Thistle have to hold you until dinner's ready..
Who's there?
Owls!
Owls who?
That's right owls hoo..
Who's there?
Ears!
Ears who?
Ears some more knock knock jokes for you..
Knock knock
Who's there?
Me!
Me who?
Wow they were not kidding when they said you got hit in the head!
submitted by Annalisse
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
To!
To who?
To whom.
Knock, Knock.
Who's There?
Howard
Howard who?
Howard I know?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Xavier!
Xavier who?
Xavier breath and open the door!
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
I did up.
I did up who?
AHAHAHA. YOU DID A POO!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Mikey!
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn't fit in the keyhole!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow!
Interrupt--
Moo!!!
knock knock
who's there?
your butt
your butt who?
yeah your butt poops
submitted by:- Angelina garcia
why did sally drop her ice cream... she got hit by a bus.... knock knock.... who's there???? not Sally.
submitted by Adrianna and Lexi
Knock knock!
Who's there?
I.
I who?
Oh my gosh! The amnesia is worse that I thought!
knock knock
who's there
you
you who?
eeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr you are doing a flat poo!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Shelby
Shelby Who?
Shelby coming round the mountain when she comes...
submitted by Catherine Bowdidge
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Little old lady
Little old lad who?
WOW! I didn't know you can yodel! Sub. by: Melessa South
Knock knock
Who's there
John
John who
I thought you were John hahahan

The winner lose

In a marathon race what does the winner lose?
His breath!

A short movie

What do you call a short movie that features a water fowl?
A duck-umentary

After a bath

What do bunnies use to dry themselves after a bath?
A hare-dryer

Male or Female

Hey why are you laughing so hard
Me: Just look at that man with the curly hair and white jeans. Is it a male or female?
It’s a girl and my daughter.
Me: ops, so sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
Excuse me, I’m not her father but her mother!

Terms and conditions

At a nerd wedding they don't say, "I do."
They say, "I accept the terms and conditions."

Ringing

Him: Your phone is ringing.
Her: Yeah, phones do that.

Math book

Babes you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.

School day

Basic school day..
Me: I hate all of you.
Me: Stop screaming you saw your friend yesterday.
Me: Maybe if I hit my head on my desk I'll die.

SAVE TREES

Humans are the only creature in this world, who cut the trees, made paper from it and then wrote, "SAVE TREES" on it.

Bake cookies

OMG! I could bake cookies on you.. 'because you know, you're HOT!

Sole purpose

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
- P.J. O'Rourke

High Jumping

My friend Joe is so short he uses a cigarette butt for high jumping!

Take what

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

Light bulb

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know, no hipster has ever tried. Its way too mainstream!

She screamed

What happened when helen keller fell off a cliff?
She screamed her hands off.

Running start

Yo momma so short, she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet.

Hipster weigh

How much does a hipster weigh.
An instagram!

Dress her

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy.

Woman with two black eyes

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.

Never

Girl: i never liked you.
Boy: Even I never stopped hating you.

Changing Mind

Girl: I have changed my mind.
Boy: Oh Thank God! Does the new one work?

Letter of apology

My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company..

Hard to find men

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

Husband and a new dog

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Next to you

That awkward moment when your mom sits down next to you while you're on the your laptop.

List of Funny Jokes

Here is the smart collection of your favorite funny jokes, so just choose, read and enjoy.'

Milkiung Cow

Top 100 Short Jokes

Chinese Soup

Everyone Says

Know Your Husband

Only Shorter and Koran

Announcement

Top 100 Funny Jokes

Confession

Safe Place

Forced to Live

Half Empty

High Five

Much Younger

Look Like

Person with money

When a person with money meets a person with experience, the person with the experience winds up with the money and the person with the money winds up with the experience.

Incomes are like our shoes

Our incomes are like our shoes; if too small, they gall and pinch us; but if too large, they cause us to stumble and to trip.

Made my money

I made my money the old fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.

Ancient China

Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Father: That's true, son.. Everywhere, EVERYWHERE!!!

Call 411

You're so stupid you had to call 411 to get the number for 911.

Milk a cow

Hey dude, I think you're so short that you could milk a cow standing up.

Chinese soup

What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup?
Won Ton.

Fart and Say

Americans fart and says- excuse me
Britishers fart and says - pardon me
Japanese fart and says - forgive me
Indians fart and says - not me

Know your husband

Why do they call it a T.V. SET when you only get one?
They know your husband is on his way to buy another!

Any Sense

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers

Character of people

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."
- Sam Ewing

Half-empty

Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.

Only shorter and Korean

My last girlfriend looked like Claudia Schiffer: only shorter and Korean.
- Max Kauffman

High-Five

Oops, my that was not intentional. I did not hit you, I just tried to high-five your face.

Clean Room

When I say I cleaned my room. I usually mean, I made a path from my door to my bad.

My Weight

According to BMI chart, my weight is fine. I am just too short.

Cut their pizza

How do Maxicans cut their pizza?
Little Caesars

Much younger

Short People Problem:
Hey, how old are you... Really? You look so much younger.

Forced to live

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

In Motion

Wine gives a man nothing it only puts in motion what had been locked up in frost.

Safe Place

I'm going to be around until the Atomic Energy Commission finds a safe place to bury my liver.
- Phil Harris

Having Mastery

I am not dumb, it's just that I have a mastery over useless information.

Announcement

Announcement: Due to budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.

Confession

They say that Confession is good for the soul, but I know that it is bad for the career.

You look like

Coming back home, looking in the mirror, and realizing that you look like that all the day. Oh God!

Silence

Silence is golden unless you have a toddler. In that case, it is very very suspicious.

Important to You

If it is important to you you'll find a way. If not, You'll find an excuse.

Cheese

What cheese would you use for hiding a pony?
Mascarpone.

Dead Beetle

Waiter there’s a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they’re not very good swimmers.

More mistakes

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history: with the possible exception of handguns and Tequila.

Three places

Doctor, Doctor, my arm is broken in three places.
Well stay out of those places.
- Tommy Cooper

Taking Life Seriously

Why shouldn't we take life seriously?
Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Same Boss.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Anywhere

Why do they say flattery won't get you anywhere?
Because bribery works better!

Twice

What happens if you get scared "half-to-death" twice in a row?
You are dead scared!

Best thing

What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Sliced!

Feel Glad

What do you do when you find an endangered animal that eats endangered plants?
You feel glad you're not it!

DRINK

"Pretty women make us BUY beer. Ugly women make us DRINK beer.

Marriage and Happiness

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

Last Day

Today is the last day of some of your life.

Help You

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Miss Right

I got married with Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Need More

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.

Which One

Marriage is man and a woman becomes one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Getting Married

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

A Dinosaur

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

More Eggs

On the other hand... you have different fingers.
or
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.

Help me

I can't find my kitten, can you help me find him? I think she went into this cheap motel room.

A cartoonist

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Handicapped Parking

How do you keep other vehicles away from handicapped parking bays?
You put up a sign that says: "STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park somewhere ELSE!