I'm Gullible

Hey, why are you so cross with your mother today?
Because she told me I'm gullible... and I believed her!

Get ready

Her: Do you know it takes you more than a hour to get ready.
Him: But you aren't as cute as you think you are.

Great slogan

"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company.

Doctor

What did 1 doctor say to another?
We are both Doctor!

Like you

Now, I am going to punch you in the mouth.. With my mouth. Softly.. because I like you..

Childhood is over

Dad: Hey son, your childhood is over!
Son: How?
Dad: Because now you fall asleep on the couch and wake up on the couch.

Made in heaven

Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Another chance

The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.
- Peter De Vries

Practice

Why is it that doctors and lawyers call what they do 'practice'?
It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class.

Buy Barbie

Why do you have to buy Barbie a friend called Ken if she is so popular?
Same happened to Paris Hilton, she didn't get her dog for free!

If Love

Why are there so many players if love is not a game?
Ask Tiger Woods not me!

Jumping from a table

I asked from a dwarf: What are you doing?
Him: Suicide:
Me: But you are jumping from a table!

I am not short

Why are you staring at me?
You are so short?
Correction, I am not short, my height is just cute :-)

jokes about I am not short

Suggestion for Marriage

Me asked to my best friend: What will you suggest your kids for marriage?
Him: I will never marry anyone in my entire life and the same advice I'll give to my kids.

Age problems

What are the biggest "age" problems between men and women?
Few women admit theirs and few men act theirs!

Moral Indignation

What is Moral Indignation?
Jealousy with a Halo!

Shave

Why is it good to be a male?
You don't have to shave below your neck!

Divorce

What is the best definition of divorce?
A sign that 2 people can't agree what to fight about!

Victoria's SECRET

Q: Why do they call the brand Victoria's SECRET if the whole world knows everything about her down to her underwear?
A: I think the secret is she's a man!

Long word

Q: Why is 'abbreviated" such a long word?
A: Because AB is used to describe 5 other things and ABBREV sounds like an accelerated muscle?

Higher Studies!

Man: Sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.
His friend asked: What are you doing
He replied: Can not you see? Higher Studies!!

Swallowing Soap


Man: Doctor, I am so tensed.
Doctor: What is your problem?
Man: I have swallowed soap, will I fart bubbles?

Short Jokes about Swallowing Soap

Were you sleeping?

My friend called me at midnight and asked sorry, were you sleeping?
Me: No way, I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping? You dumb witted moron.

Announcing wedding

I was announcing my wedding, and my friend just asked...
Is the boy you’re marrying nice?
Me: No, he’s so miserable, wife-beating, cruel, insensitive lout. It’s just the money!

Did that hurt

in passenger train: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on my feet.
Her: Oops, sorry, did that hurt?
Me: Oh, no, not at all. I’m on local anesthesia. Why don’t you try again?

Humor and Fun for Healthy Life

Life is what we tend to make it. We can live is so sadly, badly or enjoy-fully. So why not make entertaining and worth living. Sharing Top Short Jokes is the best thing when you want to laugh. They can bring happiness for your friends and family. There are lots of things happen in our daily life but after all stresses of life we must try to to find a reason to have fun. One should keep his business life separate from family life. Everyone wants success but you should not forget to live your life. The wise way to live life well is keep smiling and enjoy each moment.

Guess the Name

Sammie's mother has 5 daughters whose name are:
Allie, Christina, Nobie and Laina.
Can you guess the name of the fifth daughter?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Lol - Sammie!!

Straight Circle

A student was drawing a circle but he made some mistake.
Teacher: What is wrong with you? You draw a straight circle!

Much Help

MD: We can't give you any job. We don't need much help right now.
Applicant: That's even good. I really feel I'm just the right person for your company. You see, I won't be of much help anyway.

Half Apple

Q: Who looks like half apple?
A: The another half.

Receptionist

Mr: I think we have met before?
Miss: Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

Stay there

Him: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Her: Yes, but would you stay there?

Place

Boy: Your place or mine?
Girl: Well.. both! You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.

End of the Line

Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line?
Kid: I tried, but Miss, there was someone already there!

Not Allowed

"Can i I watch the TV?", asked little Johny from his dad.
"Sure, but you're not allowed to turn it on" dad replied.

Saying 'P'

You would be surprised to know that I know three Things about you:

First: For you, saying "P" is impossible without touching your both lips.
Second: You just tried uttering "P".
Third: You're smiling now!

Laughing

Mother: There are lots of noises coming out from your room. With Whom you are laughing with?
Her: Nobody is here. It's just my laptop.

Understanding Taxes

What should I do. y kid just don't understand taxes.
You should be practical. Like, you give them example of taxes by eating 35% of their ice cream.

Chasing Girls

Q: Why do men chase those girls, they have no intention of marrying?
A: For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Future Tense

Miss: I killed a person with my car - Convert this sentence into future tense.
Kid: The future tense should be "I'll be in jail"

Controlling Anger

Man: I noticed that whenever I shout on you or slap you, you never fight back. Even you don't try to prove your pint? How you manage your anger?
Woman: I just take a deep breathe, go to the toilet, clean it toilet with your toothbrush.

Tea-bag

Yo mama's head is so small that she uses a tea-bag as a pillow!

Marry with two

Q: Why it is not legal for males to marry with two females.
A: The reason behind this law is you can not get punishment twice for the same Mistake.

Never understand

The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.

Knowledge

"Textbook is confusing... Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."

2 Wishes


Once a guy blesses to ask for 2 wishes from God. He demanded for the best wine and the best woman. Next moment, he had the best wine and Mother Teresa next to him.

Moral : Always Be Specific!

2-wishes-joke

Female without Male..

Boy: Please understand and accept that no female can live without male..
Girl: How can you say it?
Boy: See - Fe(male)-male
Wo(man)-man
S(he)-he
So never try to be alone.

Word 'Beans'

A teacher asked her students for writing sentences using the word 'beans'
Student: My father grows beans..
Another Student: My father cooks beans
Another one: We are all human beans.

Getting up early

Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?
Student: I get up early Miss!

Drives women

What's long, wide, and drives women wild?
Money

Outside of Tree

Teacher: Joe, What do you call the outside of a tree?
Student: No idea miss..
Teacher told angrily: Bark, Joe.
Joe: Bow Wow Wow Miss..

Kind Eyes

Nicky: You have really kind eyes, you know that?
Andy Stitzer: Thanks. Umm... your hat has sequins.

Given up hopes

Nadal: Look, where has being a nice guy gotten you, huh? Of a bridge about to commit suicide? Still wearing Crocs?
Aladeen: What's wrong with Crocs?
Nadal: They are the universal symbol of a man who has given up hope!

A Picture

Yes, it is true that a picture speaks thousand words. But you can not deny that with Photoshop it tells a thousand lies too.

a-picture-joke

Sick and Tired

I am getting sick and tired of people who make jokes about Justin Bieber...
Leave her alone !!

Irritating Replies

List of Irritating Replies:
k
Nope
Yeah2
ROTFL
So
OK
oh
yup
lol
haha
k
Chilling
nah
Than
Same here

Buffalo Son

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
So simple - Bison.

Got Hit

Yesterday he got hit by a rental car.
No It Hertz.

lawyers Gossip

What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
We both are lawyers.

Master Degree

Why doesn't the black man have a job?
Because he's working on his masters degree.

Taking candy

What's meaner than taking candy from a baby?
Tossing the baby off a cliff.

Best Ever

'You must not be having lots of time to explore all the scrap stuff to find out best. So here is the shortcut to skip to directly world's best jokes ever because excess of laughter never hurts.'

Q: What do bullies and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What is yellow but can't swim?
A: A bulldozer.

Q: What's Forrest Gump's password?
A: 1forrest1

I imagine if ever make my mind to go to job without clothes what benefits I gonna get:
  • It helps to stop those creepy programmers from staring down to your shirt.
  • No one dare to steals my chair.
  • Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
  • Companions will never stealing my pens after they've seen where you keep them.
  • It's an inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
  • And ... ROTFL ... the ultimate benefit.. My boss will never say: I wanna see your as in here by 9:00!

Nothing brightens my day more than the sun.

If at first you don't succeed, try management

What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller...... Mario

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

Yeah, many times I end up headbutting the mirror when I try to hug someone so adorable.

My lifetime experience says that we must aim low, reach our goals and avoid disappointment.

At work i love to gargle with water.

What if I laugh during inappropriate situations.

In my life plans always fail and the best things are usually unplanned, random, and spontaneous.

You must understand the meaning/thoughts behind those attractive Job ads.
  • Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience: You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
  • Problem-solving skills a must: You're walking into perpetual chaos.
  • Good communication skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
  • Competitive salary means We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
  • Requires team leadership skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
  • Casual work atmosphere means they don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
  • Some overtime: Some every night and some every weekend.
  • Join our fast-paced company: We have no time to train you.
  • Duties will vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
  • Must have an eye for detail: We have no quality assurance.
  • Career-minded: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
  • Apply in person: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

Broke Yours

Girl while having shower with her boyfriend looks down and asks: Can I touch it?
Boys replies: Nope, you already broke yours off!

Power Tie

"What's black and white and red all over? Obama in a power tie."

Red Nose

Teacher: Why is your nose red?
Jackie: I smelled a b-rose.
Teacher: But there is no "b" in rose.
Jackie: There was in this one!

Tickling me

If you tickle me than I am not responsible for what happens to your life.

Tickling-me

Blood Boil

Do you know what really makes my blood boil?
Crematoriums

How many potatoes

I was having dinner with my boss and his spouse and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?".
I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please".
She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite"
"Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

Brain is missing

Haha I am a virus and I am going to enter into your brain..
.
.
.
.
.
Sorry I have to leave, I can't find it.

Do you need company?

A girl was sitting at a bar. A man approaches her.
Hi dear. Wanna have a little company?
Do you have one to sell? Girl asks.

Chicken crossing the road?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Most probably to buy drugs!
or
To Escape North Koreas long rang missiles!
or
To meet your girlfriend!
or
Because you don't cook them!

---

What do you call a running chicken?
Poultry in motion...

A deer with no eye

What do you call a deer with no eye?
Well - No idear.

Brighten the day

You know what really brightens my day?
The sun.

Lion Talk

Q: What did the lion say to the octopus?
A: Nothing, lions can't talk. Even if they did the chances of a lion and octopus meeting are very slim.

And he Broke His Neck

And a guy walks into a bar. Except it was a metal bar, like a pole.
So he broke his neck!

Yellow and really good at mathematics

Q: What is yellow and really good at mathematics?
A: A yellow calculator.

Top 100 Funny Quotes

'Quotes tend to be written to inspire and motivate us but some of them are too funny that we can't stop ourselves from laughing like crazies. So we are bringing those 100 Funny Quotes and Sayings with illustration in lime-light to make your day full of joys.'

Funny Quotes

Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
- Anonymous
Illustration: How smartly they pull leg of married people. Romance seems too good before marriage but you really fed up with it after getting married because expectations go too high and your romantic hero disappears in catching them.

Behind every successful woman, is a basket of dirty laundry.
- Sally Forth
Illustration: The above funny quote replaces the old proverb which used to give credit to woman for success.So businessmen are too busy in work that they never have time for changing cloth, so it is better to say that they keep their dirty clothes always with their growth. I hope successful tycoons won't mind it.

Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Illustration: Lol! Lazy people are really so tactful. They just want to stay always from any hard work by finding some smart way of doing things and that is what people want.

I have two daughters, both are girls!
Illustration: Sometimes people say the answer in starting and again they repeat it and that is what makes them look like a fool. Hey man, if you have two daughters, it is understood that they are females.

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
- Michael Prichard
Illustration: What a wise thought by Michael! They always report same counting of people because as one man goes out then one baby comes in. So it always remains equal.

Boys lie more, but girls lie better.
Illustration: This quote favors boys. What if males lie a lot. Girls are one step ahead, they say it too but never get caught. Smart chicks.

I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
Illustration: Awkward situation. But what should I do as I don't find anyone more attractive and smart as me. So whenever I stand in front of mirror, unknowingly accident happens.

"ARE YOU ASLEEP??" "No I was in comma , thanks for saving me."
Illustration: Good punch for those people who never stop asking strange questions. Obviously, I am taking a nap and you are disturbing me for no reasons

If we lose this war, I'll just start another in my wife's name.
- Moshe Dayan
Illustration: Sorry but again a good joke on wives. They keep on fighting and never loose! So better to start any fight with wife's name to ensure your victory.

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce
Illustration: Love is blind. It's a kind of madness. People do lots of fights, arguments, sacrifices for it's sake. But after marriage - Real life starts!

If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun.
- Benjamin Franklin
Illustration: Aha! One of the right punch on bald people and this is true too. How can they dare to walk under the heat of sun with no hair on head. This gonna force them run like crazy to find some shelter.

Honore de Balzac says No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
Illustration: Really, it is not an easy task to handle a female for life time. Our smart experienced author Mr. Balzac warns men to attend some special training or program on marriages so that they could bear the pressure of coming tough life after getting engaged.

I think, therefore I'm single.
- Female philosopher
Punch-Line: What a wit! Gone those day, when people think only for success. After all success means live your life a fullest. So he thinks of best life which ends when you get marry! Isn't it?

Police arrested two kids yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
- Tommy Cooper

Drawing is like making an expressive gesture with the advantage of permanence.
- Henri Matisse

Nelson Mandela, He’s been out of prison for 16 years and hasn’t re-offended. I think he’s going straight. Which shows you, prison works.
- Ricky Gervais

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers.
- Judith Martin

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
- George Carlin

Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?
- Nipsey Russel

As he was valiant, I honor him. But as he was ambitious, I slew him.
- William Shakespeare

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
- George Burns

Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.
- Oscar Wilde

"Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises."

"All the things I like to do are either illegal, immoral or fattening."

"A wise man once said 'I don't know, go ask a woman'."

"Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness, hasn't been shopping at the right malls."

What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you 'turn up missing'?
- Kevin Hart

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
- Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Don't like me? Cool. I don't wake up to impress you everyday.

I know you want me. You’re so right. I want you to leave.

Jealousy is a terrible disease please get well soon dumb!

My toughest fight was with my first wife. –Muhammad Ali

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
- Judith Viorst

Go home winter. You're drunk.

Sometimes i ask to my farts: "why now??"

I'm eating just in case I get hungry in the future.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
- Rodney Dangerfield

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

You must lose everything in order to gain anything.
- Brad Pitt

Me after 50 seconds of running: I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing.

My life is a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" moments.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
- Bill Watterson

Every night, it's an endless battle between Sleep and The Internet...

Can I ask a very pregnant librarian if she's overdue?

Hardest thing to answer: Describe yourself.

The feeling you get after finishing your last exam...

That moment of joy when you find money in your pocket.

She- I love you.
Me- Yeah I love me too.

I wish I had a cute laugh but instead I sound like a dying seal.

I don't hate you. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

Just before 10 second of that romantic scene - your parents walk in.

Things I'm bad at: singing.
Things I do a lot: sing

If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old.

The awkward moment when the person you didn't want to invite somewhere, asks if they can come with you.

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.
- Isadora Duncan

I'm too lazy to text, unless you're important to me..or you're hot or beautiful.

I spent my entire childhood wishing I was older. Now I'm older... and it kills.

Me: I wanna go on a diet. Food: Lol, no.

Money is not a problem. The problem is I don't have any of it.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A Gummy Bear!

Don't make fun of fat girls, elephants never forget.

I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" and they laugh.

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
- Oscar Wilde

It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.
- Anne Sexton

You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.

"This suspense is terrible. I hope it lasts."
- Oscar Wilde

Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker.
- Ogden Nash

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. - Jon Stewart

The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
- Leo J. Burke

Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love.
– Benjamin Disraeli

Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
- Stanislaw J. Lem

Type of shoes

Q- What type of shoes does a pedophile wear?
A- White vans..

Reason Behind Being Good

"A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world... Ops, sorry! That’s wine. Wine does that."
short jokes, funny pranks

Don't Take Any Tension

"Hey Mom and Dad.. Why you take so tensions? No need to worry. Everyone failed that test."
Funny Short Jokes

I Love Doing Everything

You know, I love doing everything. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I would love to punch in the face.

Got a new girlfriend

Son: Hi dad! I got a new girlfriend.
Dad: Great son, is she hot?
Son: Hell yeah!

Girl: Hi Dad! I got a boyfriend!
Dad: *In full anger - Loading shotgun*

Planning to throw a party

I am planning to throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many morons act wasted.

Success is like

Success is like pregnancy, everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got f.c.k.d. to achieve it.

Girl's point of view

She told me to see things from a girl's point of view, so I looked out the kitchen window.

I feel like

When they Have a smoke in a restaurant.. I feel like they are peeing in a pool. So disgusting!

Free things are cool

When life gives you lemons, take them. Free things are cool.