Now Walk

Every girls wants a sweet caring loving husband. ..
But I can't be complete every girl's wish. ..sorry!

Married life is so simple, Its just like a walkin the park.!!
BUT the problems is that the Jurassic-park...Jurassic Park... Now walk!

Some Craziest Dumbest Statements

When Mr. Romeo tells Miss Juliet that she's fat!

Well, he doesnt always use the internet, but when he does, he shares recipes and inspirational quotes. he is..the most pinteresting man in the world.

Crazy the only reason some people are starving and suffering in the world is because they aren't "so blessed".

Is there any jail just for people that don't break apart kit kats before they eat them.

My friends think that I got Right woman in my life but they don't yet know that she is 'Always Right'!

2 Doors

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4, it would be chicken sedan.

What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.

With a Broken Pencil

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!

What did Zero say to number Eight?

sigh

Coolest, craziest and simplest

Whether you're sitting idle or busy in any project, you can always spare some minutes to relax your mind and soul. No, no you need not to put any special effort for doing it, because we're giving you some of the coolest, craziest and simplest jokes for this purpose. They are one or two line long so no crack them when you get a chance.

What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.

Have you heard about the constipated mathematician?
He had to work it out with a pencil.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "P" is silent.

Where do you find a one legged dog?
Wherever you left it.

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

Which is the most stupid animal living in the jungle?"
"The polar bear."

Q:What's grey?
A: A melted penguin

Why don't seagulls fly over bays?
Because then they would be bagels!

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

How does Hitler tie his shoes?
In little nazis.

How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A-buck-an-ear

I once farted in an elevator, which was wrong on so many levels.

What's green and when you get it stuck between your teeth, you die?
A tractor.

Get a Hole

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one!

Guide to understanding a net addiction on various days:-
Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet.
Busy day: managed to work in three hours of usenet.
Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of usenet.

The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.

Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month. Others just go over them.


Silliest Complaints Ever - You Must Go Through

After receiving strange but eye opening complaint from a user, Microsoft decided not to invest further in computers..

Complaint Date: 1st April - Person Name: I Doubt!

Dear Owner,

I bought a computer for my family but we came across some of the biggest unexpected problems! Kindly have a look.

#1. Near alt, I saw the start button but there is no Stop button.

#2. I also purchased keyboard, mouse, data card, CPU, data cable but there is only one icon which shows 'My computer'. So when you will provide the remaining items?

#3.You also show 'My Network Places'. For heaven's sake, please stop providing 'My secret places' I just do not want to let my spouse know where I go after my office hours.

#4. My kids learned 'Computer Word' now they want to learn 'Computer Sentence' so let us know when you introduce that.

#5. There is a query whether any re-scooter is available in your system? I see 're-cycle' only but U own a scooter.

#6. It is shocking that windows says 'My pictures' but there is not even a single pic of mine. So when will you keep my photos ion that?

#7. There is 'Microsoft Office' what about 'Microsoft Home' because I use system at home only.

#8. You only show my recent documents but I need to check my past documents too!

#9. You placed a 'Find' key but it is not working at all. My kid lost my car's key and I tried a lot to trace it with this 'find' button but it didn't work!

#10. Last but not least.. You tell you name is Gates then why are you selling Window?

Thanks & Regards
Always Concerned Person.

Insult

What if you sleep into something more comfortable? Emhh... Like a coma!

You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.

Ever you hear that?
What?
That.. that sound of no-one caring!

You seem like a black hole of need.

Don't take me as totally useless - use me for that practice!

90% of majority people live and learn, but 10% like you.. just live!

Does this mean our plans for tonight are off or your girlfriend is joining in?

A good male doesn't just happen. He has to be created by us women.

Are you hot but uncomfortable yet?

A man can sleep around no questions asked, but if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she's a tramp.

The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them.

Women would rather be right than reasonable.

That's the nature of research-you don't know what in hell you're doing.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

All Men

All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all others.

A retired husband is often a wife's full time job.

Easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Cowculator

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Olive Toop
Olive Toop Who?
So do I, but I don't brag about it.

I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.

This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.

Just insignificant

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea?
Because the Canadiens have all the cups.

Whats the difference between the Leafs and a cigarette machince?
The cigarette machince has PLAYER'S.

Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine.

Would like to live with?

A kid was standing in court beside a judge. His parents were getting divorce and the judge asked him which parent he would like to live with.

With your mother?"
"No! she beats me all the time
"Ok,
So with your father.
"No! he beats me every night as well!

"Well if both your parents beat you then who do you want to live with?".

The boy replies "The Toronto Maple Leafs." The judge is puzzled. "why would you want to live with them?" he asks. The boy replies "Because they dont beat anyone!"

Beautiful or Cute?

Once a lawyer wakes up from his disease after treatment, and notices his spouse besides him. His eyes little open and he utters, "Hey beautiful!" and then he falls asleep again.
His wife gets a shock because he never heard it from him.
After 10 minutes, he again opens his eyes and he says “Hey cute!"
She asks what happened? Earlier you were calling me beautiful but now cute. why?
"The drugs are wearing off!" He replies!

Thoughtful and touching thing

One day, two friends play golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 29 years."

Belt get locked

Q: Why did the belt get locked up?
A: He held up a pair of pants.

Girl After Wine

When a girl takes Alcohol, there are lots of funny dramatic things happen with her. She does lots of daring and amusing tasks. Before and after drink, there is world of difference between her personality. Lets have a look at them:

You really believe that dancing with your arms, rounding your head, and wiggling your back portion while shouting 'Woo-hoo!' is perfectly coolest dance move ever.

You start hugging your friends and expressing you love them more than anyone else.

You get very exited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because 'Oh my God! This is ma favorite song!'

You've suddenly started smoking and be really perfect at first go.

You start yelling at bartender, who you believe cheated you by giving you just lemonade.

It feels like you are in bed but pillow feels like tough floor.

You've suddenly decided that you love to kick someone's back and sincerely believe you could do it.

At you last visit to pee, you realize that you now look more like a homeless hooker than the simple sweet goddess you were just before few hours ago.

You throw your sandals because you believe it's their fault that you're having walking problem.

When a vehicle hits you you have no idea where your mobile and purse are.

You are not obnoxious

You are not obnoxious like so many other people..
SO what I am?
You are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.

Great legs

In a club, there was some big fat bird dancing on that table.
As I walked past, I said great legs.
She said "really, thank you"
I said yeah, most tables would have collapsed by now.

What's WRONG with me

A lady early in morning, rushed to visit her doctor. She was looking very much tensed and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....

With Your Wife

A man goes to a bar and asks for a beer.
Waiter replies: Sure Sir, Its cost is one cent." "One Cent?"
the man exclaims. He glances at the menu and asks: How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?
A nickel, the barman replies.
"A nickel?" exclaims the man.
Where's the man who owns this place?
The bartender replies: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asks: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies: The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.

New French tank

Did you hear about the new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.

Snowman with a vampire

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Make a tissue dance

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogey in it!

The airplane

What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
Me!!!

Psycho path

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.

Why are you late?

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

Farmer's wife

How did the farmer's wife get the chickens in to the pot?
She told them it was a chicken jacuzzi.

Too much weight

How do you let your wife know that she is putting on too much weight?
You give her a certificate with the title "NUTRITIONAL OVERACHIEVER"!

Muscle spasms

How much do you exercise?
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all!

Snowplow

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
By miracle!

Half the chicken

Why did half the chicken cross the road?
To get to his other side!

A mole and an eagle

Q: What do a mole and an eagle have in common?
A: They both live underground, apart from the eagle.

No walls

What kind of rooms have no walls?
Mushrooms.

Lift up

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted both, he would fall over!

Call a chicken

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion

Chicken coop

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had 4, it'd be a chicken sedan!

Illness

What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
Chicken Spocks!

Playing basketball

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

The florist

Did you hear about the florist who had two kids?
One was a budding genius and the other was a blooming idiot.

Your point of view.

I'd love to see things from your point of view..
But..
What?
But I can not seem to get my head that far up your ass.


The thing to laugh in this joke is some people's mind is not located in head. They always talk strange. So indirectly, he is making fun of his stupid unrelated suggestions. I know you too have that kind of person in your circle, so why not to use it.

Newspaper

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get the newspaper!


Imagining chickens doing so can make anyone giggle. They are really so cute but seems to be too busy in their work. Their innocence forces to joke about them.

Go down

What does is smell like to go down on a 75 year old woman?
Depends.


What a bad guy, for the age of 75 year old female, he still finds some chances! isn't it? Everyone else would have been said a big NO!

A pirate in bar

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his pants.

Bartender says, "Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel coming out of your pants?"

Pirate says, "Aye! It's drivin' me nuts!"

Two pairs of trousers

Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
In case they had a hole in one.

Brown chicken v/s Brown cow

What do you get when a brown chicken has sex with a brown cow?
Brown chicken brown cow (answering in sing-songy 'bow chicca bow now').

Uniforms and Helmets

What crawls and wears uniforms and helmets?
Army ants.

On and off

Why was the firefly flashing on and off?
His light was on the blink.

Call cheese

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese!

Chicken coop

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!

Attracting a squirrel

How do you attract a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

Money in freezer

Why did the blonde put her money in the freezer?
As she wanted cold hard cash!

Finding Corner

How do you make a blonde go crazy?
Tell her to sit in the corner of a circular room!

Cheerios box

What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box?
"Omg, Donut seeds!"

Not long enough

A couple are trying to set up a new password for their a/c.
The husband puts, "My that" and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Dialing 911

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.

Polar bears vote

Where do polar bears vote?
At the north poll!

Hen-pecked

A husband is a man who when someone tells him he is hen-pecked, answers, yes, but I am pecked by a good hen.

Skeletons fight

Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.

Water and boat

Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.

For lunch

What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
fission chips!

Yeah, right

Teacher: Two positives can't equal a negative
Student: Yeah, right!

Dinosaurs

Why can't dinosaurs speak English?
Because they're dead!

Worker

What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?
!Oh snap!

Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date

1. You're wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where's the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You're going to order that? Seriously?
10. You're how old?
― Gena Showalter

Golfer's advantage

What advantage does a golfer have over a fisherman?
He doesn't have to produce anything to prove his story.

Dad's Age

Them: How old is your dad?
Me: As old as me.
Them : How can that be?
Me: He became a father only when I was born.

Getting on my nerves

Sheila: That boy is getting on my nerves.
Rosie: What nonsense -- he is not even looking at you!
Sheila: That is what is getting on my nerves.

Question

Larry: Can I ask you a question?
Me: You just did.

A tick and a lawyer

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Finest Lie

Two kids were arguing when the teacher entered.
Teacher: Why are you arguing?
Kid: We found a 20 dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the finest lie.
Teacher: Sham on you. When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.
The kid gave bill to the teacher.

Far worse way

You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.

I don't mind

I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.

Take life

"Take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila." - Anon

Long face

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says "why the long face?

Last night fight

The fight we had last night was my fault.
My wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.

Nice Decent Clean Jokes

'If you want to read Nice and Decent Clean Jokes then it is the best place for your desire. Undoubtedly you can share these modest jokes with your family, relatives, elders and younger.'

Very Neat - Very Funny - Responsive - Cute - Evergreen - General

General:

Difference between talent and God gift:
A man can give lecture for 2 hours on many subjects. This is talent
A woman can give lecture for 2 hour without any subject - this is a God gift!

What two things can never be eaten for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner

What is so special about Pretty Bunny’s jewellery?
It is made from 14 carrot (carrat) gold

Where can you always find a tiger’s head?
Four feet from its tail.

What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.

How do you make one disappear?
Add a ‘g’ or an ‘n’ to ‘one’!

Very Funny:

if a girl says - I don't like shopping...than marry her!

After making girlfriends, guys actually know how costly the life style is.

Wife: What is the spelling of Happiness
Husband: U.N.M.A.R.R.I.E.D.

Some kids are so cute that after seeing them - we desire to meet their moms..

Beggar Gets 10 cents from madam on red light.
Her shouts: this is not fair..
Madam: Why?
Beggar: One last red light, you donated USD 10..
Mada,m: How did you know?
Beggar: While showing his apple phone, see he shouted in group on whatsapp!

Kid: My teacher is cute and beautiful.
Dad: Son, teacher is like mother.
Kid: Selfish, you always think o your self.

Responsive:

How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree?
A wave.

Something a bridegroom might wear: 'A dress..'

Dr: When did you first notice you had diarrhea?
Patient: When I took off my bicycle clips.

Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: 'Feeds your pets..'

My girlfriend told me choose any one - "friends or me". Sometimes I miss her.

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

*Stalks crush on Facebook*... *Accidentally likes status from 2009*... *Deletes Facebook*... *Sets computer on fire*... *Leaves country*

What do a mole and an eagle have in common?
They both live underground, apart from the eagle.

Cute:

Girl's logic: When you like a guy, do nothing about it and expect him to magically know and make the first move.

You breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.

Something that makes you close your eyes: "Dark.."

What's the difference between driving in golf and driving a car?
When you drive a car you don't want to hit anything.

Wife : Do you want meal?
Husband: What are my choices?
Wife: Denial or acceptance.

Evergreen:

The pig who fell in the DIRTY MUD took a CLEAN bath

The robber who was robbing was caught by a GOOD policeman

Very Neat

Child : With report card in hand..

Mother: So whats your final grade?

Child : Underwater

Mother : what does that mean?

Child: Below C LEVEL (Sea.. you know..)

When are the steps rude????
When they stair at you!


Kld : (returning from his match in his floor) "Mom", can I have an apple?
Mom: Baby, you just ate one.
Kid: An apple a day keeps the doctor away and I just broke his window.

Now jump to Funny Quotes.

Top 100 Knock Knock Jokes

'Do you know the best-known format of the pun in the style of "call and answer" exercise? A kind of role-play type of game, with a punster and a recipient of wit. Yes, Knock knock jokes! So enjoy here Top 100 best of them.'

Knock Knock - Mary I slip in My Chocolate Lake Again

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Anee.
Anee,who?
Anee one you like!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cows go
Cows go who?
Cows go moo not who.
knock knock
who's there
Andy!
Andy who
Andy bit me again owwwwwwwwwwww.
submitted by: Ruby
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was
in his apple.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dwen
Dwen who?
Dwen the bathroom
I'm dweening!
submitted by:Elizabeth
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cow’s go
Cow’s go who?
Cow’s don’t go who, they go moo!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did
you get it?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my home
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
I eat map.
I eat map who?
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
submitted by Katniss Everdeen
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in it’s cold out here.
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo Hoo?
Don't cry, it's just me!
submitted by Ray York
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Who
Who Who?
l Didn't know you were an owl!
HARDEE HAR HAR
By: Leroy Jenkins
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you a owl?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Knock-knock
Who's there?
A pile-up.
A pile-up who?
Knock, knock
Who's there
Angelina Jolie
Angelina Jolie who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
(mime overdone horror) Oops! I did it again!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
Knock-knock-
Who's there?
Poop
Poop-who?
HAHA YOu SAID POO-POO
submitted by Ryan
Knock Knock
Who's There
Cargo
Cargo who?
Car go beep beep!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honey bee.
Honey bee who?
Honey bee a dear and get me a soda!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting doctor.
Interrup-You have cancer.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
BenBen who?
Ben knocking on the door all afternoon!
Who's there?
Radio!
Radio who?
Radi-o not, here i come..
Who's there?
Thistle.
Thistle who?
Thistle have to hold you until dinner's ready..
Who's there?
Owls!
Owls who?
That's right owls hoo..
Who's there?
Ears!
Ears who?
Ears some more knock knock jokes for you..
Knock knock
Who's there?
Me!
Me who?
Wow they were not kidding when they said you got hit in the head!
submitted by Annalisse
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
To!
To who?
To whom.
Knock, Knock.
Who's There?
Howard
Howard who?
Howard I know?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Xavier!
Xavier who?
Xavier breath and open the door!
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
I did up.
I did up who?
AHAHAHA. YOU DID A POO!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Mikey!
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn't fit in the keyhole!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow!
Interrupt--
Moo!!!
knock knock
who's there?
your butt
your butt who?
yeah your butt poops
submitted by:- Angelina garcia
why did sally drop her ice cream... she got hit by a bus.... knock knock.... who's there???? not Sally.
submitted by Adrianna and Lexi
Knock knock!
Who's there?
I.
I who?
Oh my gosh! The amnesia is worse that I thought!
knock knock
who's there
you
you who?
eeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr you are doing a flat poo!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Shelby
Shelby Who?
Shelby coming round the mountain when she comes...
submitted by Catherine Bowdidge
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Little old lady
Little old lad who?
WOW! I didn't know you can yodel! Sub. by: Melessa South
Knock knock
Who's there
John
John who
I thought you were John hahahan

The winner lose

In a marathon race what does the winner lose?
His breath!

A short movie

What do you call a short movie that features a water fowl?
A duck-umentary

After a bath

What do bunnies use to dry themselves after a bath?
A hare-dryer

Male or Female

Hey why are you laughing so hard
Me: Just look at that man with the curly hair and white jeans. Is it a male or female?
It’s a girl and my daughter.
Me: ops, so sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
Excuse me, I’m not her father but her mother!

Terms and conditions

At a nerd wedding they don't say, "I do."
They say, "I accept the terms and conditions."

Ringing

Him: Your phone is ringing.
Her: Yeah, phones do that.

Math book

Babes you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.

School day

Basic school day..
Me: I hate all of you.
Me: Stop screaming you saw your friend yesterday.
Me: Maybe if I hit my head on my desk I'll die.

SAVE TREES

Humans are the only creature in this world, who cut the trees, made paper from it and then wrote, "SAVE TREES" on it.

Bake cookies

OMG! I could bake cookies on you.. 'because you know, you're HOT!

Sole purpose

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
- P.J. O'Rourke

High Jumping

My friend Joe is so short he uses a cigarette butt for high jumping!

Take what

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

Light bulb

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know, no hipster has ever tried. Its way too mainstream!

She screamed

What happened when helen keller fell off a cliff?
She screamed her hands off.

Running start

Yo momma so short, she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet.

Hipster weigh

How much does a hipster weigh.
An instagram!

Dress her

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy.

Woman with two black eyes

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.

Never

Girl: i never liked you.
Boy: Even I never stopped hating you.

Changing Mind

Girl: I have changed my mind.
Boy: Oh Thank God! Does the new one work?

Letter of apology

My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company..

Hard to find men

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

Husband and a new dog

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Next to you

That awkward moment when your mom sits down next to you while you're on the your laptop.

List of Funny Jokes

Here is the smart collection of your favorite funny jokes, so just choose, read and enjoy.'

Milkiung Cow

Top 100 Short Jokes

Chinese Soup

Everyone Says

Know Your Husband

Only Shorter and Koran

Announcement

Top 100 Funny Jokes

Confession

Safe Place

Forced to Live

Half Empty

High Five

Much Younger

Look Like

Person with money

When a person with money meets a person with experience, the person with the experience winds up with the money and the person with the money winds up with the experience.

Incomes are like our shoes

Our incomes are like our shoes; if too small, they gall and pinch us; but if too large, they cause us to stumble and to trip.

Made my money

I made my money the old fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.

Ancient China

Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Father: That's true, son.. Everywhere, EVERYWHERE!!!

Call 411

You're so stupid you had to call 411 to get the number for 911.

Milk a cow

Hey dude, I think you're so short that you could milk a cow standing up.

Chinese soup

What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup?
Won Ton.

Fart and Say

Americans fart and says- excuse me
Britishers fart and says - pardon me
Japanese fart and says - forgive me
Indians fart and says - not me

Know your husband

Why do they call it a T.V. SET when you only get one?
They know your husband is on his way to buy another!

Any Sense

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers

Character of people

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."
- Sam Ewing

Half-empty

Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.

Only shorter and Korean

My last girlfriend looked like Claudia Schiffer: only shorter and Korean.
- Max Kauffman

High-Five

Oops, my that was not intentional. I did not hit you, I just tried to high-five your face.

Clean Room

When I say I cleaned my room. I usually mean, I made a path from my door to my bad.

My Weight

According to BMI chart, my weight is fine. I am just too short.

Cut their pizza

How do Maxicans cut their pizza?
Little Caesars

Much younger

Short People Problem:
Hey, how old are you... Really? You look so much younger.

Forced to live

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

In Motion

Wine gives a man nothing it only puts in motion what had been locked up in frost.

Safe Place

I'm going to be around until the Atomic Energy Commission finds a safe place to bury my liver.
- Phil Harris

Having Mastery

I am not dumb, it's just that I have a mastery over useless information.

Announcement

Announcement: Due to budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.

Confession

They say that Confession is good for the soul, but I know that it is bad for the career.

You look like

Coming back home, looking in the mirror, and realizing that you look like that all the day. Oh God!

Silence

Silence is golden unless you have a toddler. In that case, it is very very suspicious.

Important to You

If it is important to you you'll find a way. If not, You'll find an excuse.

Cheese

What cheese would you use for hiding a pony?
Mascarpone.

Dead Beetle

Waiter there’s a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they’re not very good swimmers.

More mistakes

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history: with the possible exception of handguns and Tequila.

Three places

Doctor, Doctor, my arm is broken in three places.
Well stay out of those places.
- Tommy Cooper

Taking Life Seriously

Why shouldn't we take life seriously?
Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Same Boss.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Anywhere

Why do they say flattery won't get you anywhere?
Because bribery works better!

Twice

What happens if you get scared "half-to-death" twice in a row?
You are dead scared!

Best thing

What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Sliced!

Feel Glad

What do you do when you find an endangered animal that eats endangered plants?
You feel glad you're not it!

DRINK

"Pretty women make us BUY beer. Ugly women make us DRINK beer.

Marriage and Happiness

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

Last Day

Today is the last day of some of your life.

Help You

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Miss Right

I got married with Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Need More

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.

Which One

Marriage is man and a woman becomes one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Getting Married

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

A Dinosaur

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

More Eggs

On the other hand... you have different fingers.
or
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.

Help me

I can't find my kitten, can you help me find him? I think she went into this cheap motel room.

A cartoonist

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Handicapped Parking

How do you keep other vehicles away from handicapped parking bays?
You put up a sign that says: "STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park somewhere ELSE!

I'm Gullible

Hey, why are you so cross with your mother today?
Because she told me I'm gullible... and I believed her!

Get ready

Her: Do you know it takes you more than a hour to get ready.
Him: But you aren't as cute as you think you are.

Great slogan

"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company.

Doctor

What did 1 doctor say to another?
We are both Doctor!

Like you

Now, I am going to punch you in the mouth.. With my mouth. Softly.. because I like you..

Childhood is over

Dad: Hey son, your childhood is over!
Son: How?
Dad: Because now you fall asleep on the couch and wake up on the couch.

Made in heaven

Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Another chance

The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.
- Peter De Vries

Practice

Why is it that doctors and lawyers call what they do 'practice'?
It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class.

Buy Barbie

Why do you have to buy Barbie a friend called Ken if she is so popular?
Same happened to Paris Hilton, she didn't get her dog for free!

If Love

Why are there so many players if love is not a game?
Ask Tiger Woods not me!

Jumping from a table

I asked from a dwarf: What are you doing?
Him: Suicide:
Me: But you are jumping from a table!

I am not short

Why are you staring at me?
You are so short?
Correction, I am not short, my height is just cute :-)

jokes about I am not short

Suggestion for Marriage

Me asked to my best friend: What will you suggest your kids for marriage?
Him: I will never marry anyone in my entire life and the same advice I'll give to my kids.

Age problems

What are the biggest "age" problems between men and women?
Few women admit theirs and few men act theirs!

Moral Indignation

What is Moral Indignation?
Jealousy with a Halo!

Shave

Why is it good to be a male?
You don't have to shave below your neck!

Divorce

What is the best definition of divorce?
A sign that 2 people can't agree what to fight about!

Victoria's SECRET

Q: Why do they call the brand Victoria's SECRET if the whole world knows everything about her down to her underwear?
A: I think the secret is she's a man!

Long word

Q: Why is 'abbreviated" such a long word?
A: Because AB is used to describe 5 other things and ABBREV sounds like an accelerated muscle?

Higher Studies!

Man: Sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.
His friend asked: What are you doing
He replied: Can not you see? Higher Studies!!

Swallowing Soap


Man: Doctor, I am so tensed.
Doctor: What is your problem?
Man: I have swallowed soap, will I fart bubbles?

Short Jokes about Swallowing Soap

Were you sleeping?

My friend called me at midnight and asked sorry, were you sleeping?
Me: No way, I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping? You dumb witted moron.

Announcing wedding

I was announcing my wedding, and my friend just asked...
Is the boy you’re marrying nice?
Me: No, he’s so miserable, wife-beating, cruel, insensitive lout. It’s just the money!

Did that hurt

in passenger train: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on my feet.
Her: Oops, sorry, did that hurt?
Me: Oh, no, not at all. I’m on local anesthesia. Why don’t you try again?

Humor and Fun for Healthy Life

Life is what we tend to make it. We can live is so sadly, badly or enjoy-fully. So why not make entertaining and worth living. Sharing Top Short Jokes is the best thing when you want to laugh. They can bring happiness for your friends and family. There are lots of things happen in our daily life but after all stresses of life we must try to to find a reason to have fun. One should keep his business life separate from family life. Everyone wants success but you should not forget to live your life. The wise way to live life well is keep smiling and enjoy each moment.

Guess the Name

Sammie's mother has 5 daughters whose name are:
Allie, Christina, Nobie and Laina.
Can you guess the name of the fifth daughter?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Lol - Sammie!!

Straight Circle

A student was drawing a circle but he made some mistake.
Teacher: What is wrong with you? You draw a straight circle!

Much Help

MD: We can't give you any job. We don't need much help right now.
Applicant: That's even good. I really feel I'm just the right person for your company. You see, I won't be of much help anyway.

Half Apple

Q: Who looks like half apple?
A: The another half.

Receptionist

Mr: I think we have met before?
Miss: Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

Stay there

Him: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Her: Yes, but would you stay there?

Place

Boy: Your place or mine?
Girl: Well.. both! You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.

End of the Line

Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line?
Kid: I tried, but Miss, there was someone already there!

Not Allowed

"Can i I watch the TV?", asked little Johny from his dad.
"Sure, but you're not allowed to turn it on" dad replied.

Saying 'P'

You would be surprised to know that I know three Things about you:

First: For you, saying "P" is impossible without touching your both lips.
Second: You just tried uttering "P".
Third: You're smiling now!

Laughing

Mother: There are lots of noises coming out from your room. With Whom you are laughing with?
Her: Nobody is here. It's just my laptop.

Understanding Taxes

What should I do. y kid just don't understand taxes.
You should be practical. Like, you give them example of taxes by eating 35% of their ice cream.

Chasing Girls

Q: Why do men chase those girls, they have no intention of marrying?
A: For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Future Tense

Miss: I killed a person with my car - Convert this sentence into future tense.
Kid: The future tense should be "I'll be in jail"

Controlling Anger

Man: I noticed that whenever I shout on you or slap you, you never fight back. Even you don't try to prove your pint? How you manage your anger?
Woman: I just take a deep breathe, go to the toilet, clean it toilet with your toothbrush.

Tea-bag

Yo mama's head is so small that she uses a tea-bag as a pillow!

Marry with two

Q: Why it is not legal for males to marry with two females.
A: The reason behind this law is you can not get punishment twice for the same Mistake.

Never understand

The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.

Knowledge

"Textbook is confusing... Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."

2 Wishes


Once a guy blesses to ask for 2 wishes from God. He demanded for the best wine and the best woman. Next moment, he had the best wine and Mother Teresa next to him.

Moral : Always Be Specific!

2-wishes-joke

Female without Male..

Boy: Please understand and accept that no female can live without male..
Girl: How can you say it?
Boy: See - Fe(male)-male
Wo(man)-man
S(he)-he
So never try to be alone.

Word 'Beans'

A teacher asked her students for writing sentences using the word 'beans'
Student: My father grows beans..
Another Student: My father cooks beans
Another one: We are all human beans.

Getting up early

Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?
Student: I get up early Miss!

Drives women

What's long, wide, and drives women wild?
Money

Outside of Tree

Teacher: Joe, What do you call the outside of a tree?
Student: No idea miss..
Teacher told angrily: Bark, Joe.
Joe: Bow Wow Wow Miss..

Kind Eyes

Nicky: You have really kind eyes, you know that?
Andy Stitzer: Thanks. Umm... your hat has sequins.

Given up hopes

Nadal: Look, where has being a nice guy gotten you, huh? Of a bridge about to commit suicide? Still wearing Crocs?
Aladeen: What's wrong with Crocs?
Nadal: They are the universal symbol of a man who has given up hope!

A Picture

Yes, it is true that a picture speaks thousand words. But you can not deny that with Photoshop it tells a thousand lies too.

a-picture-joke

Sick and Tired

I am getting sick and tired of people who make jokes about Justin Bieber...
Leave her alone !!

Irritating Replies

List of Irritating Replies:
k
Nope
Yeah2
ROTFL
So
OK
oh
yup
lol
haha
k
Chilling
nah
Than
Same here

Buffalo Son

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
So simple - Bison.

Got Hit

Yesterday he got hit by a rental car.
No It Hertz.

lawyers Gossip

What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
We both are lawyers.

Master Degree

Why doesn't the black man have a job?
Because he's working on his masters degree.

Taking candy

What's meaner than taking candy from a baby?
Tossing the baby off a cliff.

Best Ever

'You must not be having lots of time to explore all the scrap stuff to find out best. So here is the shortcut to skip to directly world's best jokes ever because excess of laughter never hurts.'

Q: What do bullies and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What is yellow but can't swim?
A: A bulldozer.

Q: What's Forrest Gump's password?
A: 1forrest1

I imagine if ever make my mind to go to job without clothes what benefits I gonna get:
  • It helps to stop those creepy programmers from staring down to your shirt.
  • No one dare to steals my chair.
  • Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
  • Companions will never stealing my pens after they've seen where you keep them.
  • It's an inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
  • And ... ROTFL ... the ultimate benefit.. My boss will never say: I wanna see your as in here by 9:00!

Nothing brightens my day more than the sun.

If at first you don't succeed, try management

What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller...... Mario

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

Yeah, many times I end up headbutting the mirror when I try to hug someone so adorable.

My lifetime experience says that we must aim low, reach our goals and avoid disappointment.

At work i love to gargle with water.

What if I laugh during inappropriate situations.

In my life plans always fail and the best things are usually unplanned, random, and spontaneous.

You must understand the meaning/thoughts behind those attractive Job ads.
  • Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience: You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
  • Problem-solving skills a must: You're walking into perpetual chaos.
  • Good communication skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
  • Competitive salary means We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
  • Requires team leadership skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
  • Casual work atmosphere means they don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
  • Some overtime: Some every night and some every weekend.
  • Join our fast-paced company: We have no time to train you.
  • Duties will vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
  • Must have an eye for detail: We have no quality assurance.
  • Career-minded: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
  • Apply in person: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

Broke Yours

Girl while having shower with her boyfriend looks down and asks: Can I touch it?
Boys replies: Nope, you already broke yours off!

Power Tie

"What's black and white and red all over? Obama in a power tie."

Red Nose

Teacher: Why is your nose red?
Jackie: I smelled a b-rose.
Teacher: But there is no "b" in rose.
Jackie: There was in this one!

Tickling me

If you tickle me than I am not responsible for what happens to your life.

Tickling-me

Blood Boil

Do you know what really makes my blood boil?
Crematoriums

How many potatoes

I was having dinner with my boss and his spouse and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?".
I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please".
She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite"
"Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

Brain is missing

Haha I am a virus and I am going to enter into your brain..
.
.
.
.
.
Sorry I have to leave, I can't find it.

Do you need company?

A girl was sitting at a bar. A man approaches her.
Hi dear. Wanna have a little company?
Do you have one to sell? Girl asks.

Chicken crossing the road?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Most probably to buy drugs!
or
To Escape North Koreas long rang missiles!
or
To meet your girlfriend!
or
Because you don't cook them!

---

What do you call a running chicken?
Poultry in motion...

A deer with no eye

What do you call a deer with no eye?
Well - No idear.

Brighten the day

You know what really brightens my day?
The sun.

Lion Talk

Q: What did the lion say to the octopus?
A: Nothing, lions can't talk. Even if they did the chances of a lion and octopus meeting are very slim.

And he Broke His Neck

And a guy walks into a bar. Except it was a metal bar, like a pole.
So he broke his neck!

Yellow and really good at mathematics

Q: What is yellow and really good at mathematics?
A: A yellow calculator.

Top 100 Funny Quotes

'Quotes tend to be written to inspire and motivate us but some of them are too funny that we can't stop ourselves from laughing like crazies. So we are bringing those 100 Funny Quotes and Sayings with illustration in lime-light to make your day full of joys.'

Funny Quotes

Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
- Anonymous
Illustration: How smartly they pull leg of married people. Romance seems too good before marriage but you really fed up with it after getting married because expectations go too high and your romantic hero disappears in catching them.

Behind every successful woman, is a basket of dirty laundry.
- Sally Forth
Illustration: The above funny quote replaces the old proverb which used to give credit to woman for success.So businessmen are too busy in work that they never have time for changing cloth, so it is better to say that they keep their dirty clothes always with their growth. I hope successful tycoons won't mind it.

Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Illustration: Lol! Lazy people are really so tactful. They just want to stay always from any hard work by finding some smart way of doing things and that is what people want.

I have two daughters, both are girls!
Illustration: Sometimes people say the answer in starting and again they repeat it and that is what makes them look like a fool. Hey man, if you have two daughters, it is understood that they are females.

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
- Michael Prichard
Illustration: What a wise thought by Michael! They always report same counting of people because as one man goes out then one baby comes in. So it always remains equal.

Boys lie more, but girls lie better.
Illustration: This quote favors boys. What if males lie a lot. Girls are one step ahead, they say it too but never get caught. Smart chicks.

I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
Illustration: Awkward situation. But what should I do as I don't find anyone more attractive and smart as me. So whenever I stand in front of mirror, unknowingly accident happens.

"ARE YOU ASLEEP??" "No I was in comma , thanks for saving me."
Illustration: Good punch for those people who never stop asking strange questions. Obviously, I am taking a nap and you are disturbing me for no reasons

If we lose this war, I'll just start another in my wife's name.
- Moshe Dayan
Illustration: Sorry but again a good joke on wives. They keep on fighting and never loose! So better to start any fight with wife's name to ensure your victory.

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce
Illustration: Love is blind. It's a kind of madness. People do lots of fights, arguments, sacrifices for it's sake. But after marriage - Real life starts!

If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun.
- Benjamin Franklin
Illustration: Aha! One of the right punch on bald people and this is true too. How can they dare to walk under the heat of sun with no hair on head. This gonna force them run like crazy to find some shelter.

Honore de Balzac says No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
Illustration: Really, it is not an easy task to handle a female for life time. Our smart experienced author Mr. Balzac warns men to attend some special training or program on marriages so that they could bear the pressure of coming tough life after getting engaged.

I think, therefore I'm single.
- Female philosopher
Punch-Line: What a wit! Gone those day, when people think only for success. After all success means live your life a fullest. So he thinks of best life which ends when you get marry! Isn't it?

Police arrested two kids yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
- Tommy Cooper

Drawing is like making an expressive gesture with the advantage of permanence.
- Henri Matisse

Nelson Mandela, He’s been out of prison for 16 years and hasn’t re-offended. I think he’s going straight. Which shows you, prison works.
- Ricky Gervais

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers.
- Judith Martin

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
- George Carlin

Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?
- Nipsey Russel

As he was valiant, I honor him. But as he was ambitious, I slew him.
- William Shakespeare

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
- George Burns

Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.
- Oscar Wilde

"Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises."

"All the things I like to do are either illegal, immoral or fattening."

"A wise man once said 'I don't know, go ask a woman'."

"Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness, hasn't been shopping at the right malls."

What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you 'turn up missing'?
- Kevin Hart

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
- Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Don't like me? Cool. I don't wake up to impress you everyday.

I know you want me. You’re so right. I want you to leave.

Jealousy is a terrible disease please get well soon dumb!

My toughest fight was with my first wife. –Muhammad Ali

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
- Judith Viorst

Go home winter. You're drunk.

Sometimes i ask to my farts: "why now??"

I'm eating just in case I get hungry in the future.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
- Rodney Dangerfield

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

You must lose everything in order to gain anything.
- Brad Pitt

Me after 50 seconds of running: I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing.

My life is a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" moments.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
- Bill Watterson

Every night, it's an endless battle between Sleep and The Internet...

Can I ask a very pregnant librarian if she's overdue?

Hardest thing to answer: Describe yourself.

The feeling you get after finishing your last exam...

That moment of joy when you find money in your pocket.

She- I love you.
Me- Yeah I love me too.

I wish I had a cute laugh but instead I sound like a dying seal.

I don't hate you. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

Just before 10 second of that romantic scene - your parents walk in.

Things I'm bad at: singing.
Things I do a lot: sing

If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old.

The awkward moment when the person you didn't want to invite somewhere, asks if they can come with you.

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.
- Isadora Duncan

I'm too lazy to text, unless you're important to me..or you're hot or beautiful.

I spent my entire childhood wishing I was older. Now I'm older... and it kills.

Me: I wanna go on a diet. Food: Lol, no.

Money is not a problem. The problem is I don't have any of it.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A Gummy Bear!

Don't make fun of fat girls, elephants never forget.

I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" and they laugh.

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
- Oscar Wilde

It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.
- Anne Sexton

You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.

"This suspense is terrible. I hope it lasts."
- Oscar Wilde

Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker.
- Ogden Nash

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. - Jon Stewart

The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
- Leo J. Burke

Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love.
– Benjamin Disraeli

Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
- Stanislaw J. Lem

Type of shoes

Q- What type of shoes does a pedophile wear?
A- White vans..

Reason Behind Being Good

"A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world... Ops, sorry! That’s wine. Wine does that."
short jokes, funny pranks

Don't Take Any Tension

"Hey Mom and Dad.. Why you take so tensions? No need to worry. Everyone failed that test."
Funny Short Jokes

I Love Doing Everything

You know, I love doing everything. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I would love to punch in the face.

Got a new girlfriend

Son: Hi dad! I got a new girlfriend.
Dad: Great son, is she hot?
Son: Hell yeah!

Girl: Hi Dad! I got a boyfriend!
Dad: *In full anger - Loading shotgun*

Planning to throw a party

I am planning to throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many morons act wasted.

Success is like

Success is like pregnancy, everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got f.c.k.d. to achieve it.

Girl's point of view

She told me to see things from a girl's point of view, so I looked out the kitchen window.

I feel like

When they Have a smoke in a restaurant.. I feel like they are peeing in a pool. So disgusting!

Free things are cool

When life gives you lemons, take them. Free things are cool.

Why women live longer than men

It is true that women live longer than men. But the real reason behind this... is that they don`t have to live with women.

Technology and Paper

They say that technology will replace paper. Do they ever tried to wipe that with an iPad.

Liking Most

Boy: What you like most?
Girl: Hmm..
Boy: Water?
Girl: Yes..
Boy: Thanks for liking 70% of me!

Bartender and Sandwich.

What did the bartender say to a Sandwich.
Sorry we don't serve food in here!

Good Neighbor

Q: Symptoms of Good neighbor?
A: If they doesn't put a password on their Wi-Fi.

All Men are Same

The woman who invented the line, "All men are the same." was a chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China.

Preacher's Sermon

Once a sweet little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

I would do anything

Leena comes to professor's office after school hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly & says "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Yes, anything!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Go and...study!."

How Old Are You

A Female walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"Well, honey, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise."
"That's amazing, "the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-Two"

Please read only lines 1, 3, and 5.

A tall well built woman with good
reputation who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical misic and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Yo Mama is So

'Enjoy the very good collection of Yo Mama Short Jokes. They gonna make you feel too good.'

Yo Mama So Ugly, When She Walked By To Pick Up Her Newspaper The Newspaper Ran Back Into The Mailbox. submitted by Paige Wilson

Your mama is so freaking stupid that she got hit by a parked car. submitted by - Alyssa

Yo mama is so old, her breast milk is like baby power. submitted by - Skye Clarke

Yo mama so ugly, her reflection committed suicide.

Yo mama so hairy, big foot saw her and run for his life.

Your mama so fat they change the name of internet to world wide yo mama

Your mamas so fat she jumped into the pool with everyone yelling tsunami
Yo mamma so fat her belly-flop actually has effective damage
your mama is so fat when it was raining outside she put on a yellow rain coat and the people walking by said taxi can u give me a ride home please!
Yo mama so fat everybody says "party with the whales!"
Your mamas so fat she sat on lows an lowered the prices!! :D
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and it broke.
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and died.
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and wondered how that piece of crap got in her bathroom.
Yo mama so skinny she was marked absent for standing sideways.
Yo mama so skinny she can dodge rain.
Yo mama so skinny she stepped on the scale and it said "Next please."
Yo mama so skinny she gave a new name to anorexia.
Yo mama so skinny she stepped on the scale and it said "air cannot be weighed."
Yo mama's so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo mama so stupid that when she threw a rock on the ground, she missed.
Yo mama so stupid, she got locked up in a grocery store and starved.
Yo mama so stupid, she stole free bread.
Yo mama so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
Yo mama so stupid, she was chained to a water fountain and died of dehydration
Yo mama so stupid, he told this joke.
Yo mama so stupid, she took a ruler to bed just to see how long she slept.
Yo mama is so stupid, she sold her car for gas money!
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck
Yo mama so ugly she went to the haunted house on Halloween and came out with a job application
Yo mama so fat that Christopher Columbus claimed her as "the new world"
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the swimming pool and everyone yelled TSUNAMI!
Yo mama so fat she gotta wear watches on both arms to keep the time zone
Yo mama so fat that when she goes to the movies she sits beside everyone
Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo mama so ugly that when she entered the ugly contest and got kicked out because they said "no professionals"
Yo mama is like a vacuum, she sucks, she blows, and gets laid in the closet!
Yo mama is so ugly, she turned Medusa into stone.
Yo mama is so fat, she can't even fit in a chat room.
Yo momma so fat that when she wears a rain coat, she looks like a school bus!
Yo mama is a hose pipe, the gardener turns her on.
Yo mama is like a rugby field, everybody can try.
Yo mama is like a tie, everybody knows how to do her.
Yo mama so fat, she jumped and got stuck.
Yo mama so stupid and fat, when she saw a school bus full of white children, she said, "Stop that Twinkie!!!!!"
Yo mama so fat, when she got on the scale it read, "One at a time please!"
Yo mama is so stupid, she returned a puzzle because she thought it was broken.
Yo mama so fat, when the doorbell rang, she ran straight to the microwave!
Yo mama so ugly, she makes blind kids cry.
Yo mama is so fat, she uses all of Phoenix, Arizona as her tanning bed.
Yo mama is so dumb, she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.
Yo mama is so dumb, when you left for school on the school bus, she ran after saying "TWINKIE I WANT MY TWINKIE"
Yo mama so big, she uses a mattress as a tampon.
Yo mama so hairy, when you popped out, you got carpet burn.
Yo mama so fat, when she went swimming at the beach, the whales came out and sang "We Are Family."
Yo mama is so fat, she sat on Wal-mart and lowered the prices!
Yo mama is so ugly, she entered an ugly contest and got kicked out!

Now read most lovable Knock Knock Jokes and Best Funny Jokes to enjoy more.

Why did the chicken cross the road Jokes

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: Because he wasn't chicken.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because she was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the playground cross the road?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the band recital.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Dinosaurs are extinct, silly!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the possum it could be done.

Q: Why did the abstract surrealist cross the road?
A: Tomato monkey.

Q: Why did the ocean cross the shore?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
A: She wanted to stretch her legs.

Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.

Best Things to be Asked

Q: What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!

Q: What kind of coffee were they serving when the Titanic hit an iceberg?
A: Sanka!

Q: What do Saami reindeer herders say to reindeer who complain?
A: "Venison!"

Q: What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?
A: Lost! REALLY lost! (Penguins live in Antarctica.)

Q: Why aren't penguins as lucky as Arctic murres?
A: The poor old penguins can't go south for the winter.

Q: What do chefs call "Baked Alaska" in Alaska?
A: "Baked Here"

Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.

Q: Why do seals swim in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

Q: Where can you find an ocean without any water?
A: On a map!

Q: What eight letters can you find in water from the Arctic Ocean?
A: H to O! (H20)

Q: Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?
A: The outside!

Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers?
A: Leeks!

Q: What did Amaruq say after building an igloo out of crystal clear ice?
A: "Living in a transparent igloo has its disadvantages - but you should see the murres smack it!"

Q: Why didn't the tourist in the Arctic get any sleep?
A: He plugged his electric blanket into the toaster by mistake - and kept popping out of bed all night!

Q: What happened when all the muskox wool that was collected was stolen?
A: The police combed the area.

Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.

Q: What did one Greenland Shark say to the other?
A: "Say, good lookin'... didn't I meet you last night at the feeding frenzy?"

Q: What's a sign that you have an irrational fear of icebergs?
A: You start having water-tight compartments installed in your pants.

Q: What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A: "Dam!"

Q: What do women use to stay young looking in the Arctic?
A: Cold cream.

Q: Why was the Saami herder given an umbrella?
A: Because of the rain, dear.

Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
A: I have no eye deer.

Q: What did one Arctic murre say to the other?
A: "What? We flew 2000 miles for THIS?!"

Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!

Q: What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
A: "Where were you on the night of September to March?"

Q: What noise wakes you up at the North Pole around March 18?
A: The crack of dawn!

Q: If you live in an igloo, what's the worst thing about global warming?
A: No privacy!

Q: What did the walrus say when it was late?
A: "I would have been here sooner, but my iceberg hit a ship."

Q: When are your eyes not eyes?
A: When the cold Arctic wind makes them water!

Q: What did the icy Arctic road say to the truck?
A: "Want to go for a spin?"

Q: What do you use to catch an Arctic hare?
A: A hare net!

Q: What do Arctic hares use to keep their fur lookin' spiffy?
A: Hare spray!

Q: What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A: A receding hare line.

Q: Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean?
A: They're both below C level!

Q: What are caribou calves given to wear?
A: Hoof-me-downs.

Q: If it's zero degrees outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
A: ?????

Q: What did the Arctic wolf ask in the restaurant?
A: "Are these lemmings fresh off the tundra?"

Q: What did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?
A: "You hang around while I go on ahead."

Q: What's another name for ice?
A: Skid stuff!

Q: How do you keep from getting cold feet?
A: Don't go around BRRfooted!

Q: Why is the slippery ice like music?
A: If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!

Q: Where do seals go to see movies?
A: The dive-in!

Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
A: Owlgebra.

Q: What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
A: Nothing. It just waved. (That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)

Q: What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: How do you know if there's a snowman in your bed?
A: You wake up wet!

Q: How do you tell the difference between a walrus and an orange?
A: Put your arms around it and squeeze it. If you don't get orange juice, it's a walrus.

Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?
A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...

A Smart Maxican

A smart Mexican, a dumb Mexican, Santa, and the Easter bunny are in a race to the middle of a maze. Who would win?
Answer: The dumb Mexican. The other three don't exists!

Ultimate Hilarious Jokes

Bring smile on your friends faces by sharing these ultimate hilarious jokes. Write you reactions as well. By doing so, you forget pains and troubles for a time being. So whether you are sad or neutral - These material gonna optimize your hours with unstoppable laughter and gonna give you the unforgettable experience ever.

Hilarious

A successful marriage is based on 'Give & Take'
Where husband gives money, gifts, dresses & wife rakes it.
And Wife gives Advices, lecturer, tensions & husband takes it.

----

Innocent boy to a girl at party: Would you like to dance?
Girl smiled and said: Yes.. for sure!
Boy: So can I take this chair?

I don't think I'll ever get the recognition i deserve for being the world's biggest pessimistic narcissist!

My back is not a voice mail. Say it on my face.

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."
The librarian replies, "This is a library."
So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."

If your mom can't find it, it's gone forever.

You want everyone to be great and funny. I'm not saying I'm great, but I'm funny.

Why to keep her at home in witness of all relatives. Keep the problems outside.

Me: Can I copy your homework?
Her: Yeah but the answers are probably all wrong.
Me: I don't care, thanks!

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.

Love at first sight. Well I fall in love with girls at every sight.

The funny thing is, I look at these magazines that make me so insecure and neurotic, but I'm in them!

We all know that one guy who makes excuses for everything and can't own up to shit.

An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

What you eat standing up doesn't count.

Girl to girl: "Awhh, you're really pretty!" "Thank you so much, you are too!" Guy to guy: "You're handsome" "Wtf? Dude are you Gy?"

When your parents call you by your full name, you know shit's gonna happen.

Two astronauts are on the moon. One says to the other "Its nice here isn't it?".
The other replies, "Yes, have you got any crisps ?"

I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR.

A german soldier sticks nine jews and an italian soldier into an oven. His commandant demands to know why he put the italian ally in the oven. I was greasing the oven, he replies. -Kurt

1st thief: Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief: Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class.

Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door.

Me: "Mom... Dad.. I decided to live on my own from now on."
Them: "Ok, cool."
Me: "Your luggage is outside."

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

If that childhood friend is with you - Everyone is getting screwed up.

Kid: I got a 100 marks in school today.
Dad: Wow, what did you get a hundred for?
Kid: Two things -- 50 in English and 50 in Maths.

Pregnancy used to be a beautiful thing. Now it's like, "she pregnant too?" "Oh"

Self control.. please come back to me!



You must continue laughing and enjoyable experience with these Hilarious Jokes and funny quotes.

Top 100 Funny Jokes

'Gain good health with Top 100 best and most hilarious Funny Jokes while entertaining yourself/others because it's never too late to enjoy the life. The best is day is today and most special person is you.'
Topics:
Rare - Smartness - Boss - Blonde - Driver - Relationship - Husband-Wife - Waiter - Marriage - Kids and Teenagers - Funniest - One Liners - Ghost - Overweight - Animals - Thief - Ladies - Satire - Crazy - On Wives

Funny Jokes

Jokes revealed in year 2015-16-17, month - September | | August | Feb | May | March | July | November '15


Sept '17:
Husband was going to market and while asks..listen
Please bring something from market which makes me beautiful.
Husband comes back with a bottle of whisky/wine..

Aug '17:
Two men were traveling together, one was Chinese so they saw a mosquito and Chinese grabbed in the fist and eaten.
Again another man saw the mosquito and he grabbed and asked Chinese : will you buy?

Boy: you live in my thoughts, dreams and feelings..
Girl: Bro, someone has made you fool, I live in California.. lol

Wife: Go and hunt a lion so that I can use his skin to decorate my room.
Husband: This is very very tough job, please give me a easy task.
Wife: Give me you mobile and let me read all you chats..
Husband: I think, first task is easy.. :(

May '16:
Admit it, we always say our true feelings with help of jokes..lol

You know you get perks of working with keyboard factory.. you deserve some extra shiftss...


May '16:

While having food in this summer where temperature is touching 45 degree...
We must say thanks to 3 people..
1st. God 2nd. Farmer 3rd. The person who is making it ready in so high temperature.

Once a kid missing. Their parents and relative put status with photo on social media.
Than next day, he found and came back to home.
Still after 2 years, whenever that kid go out side, people catch him and take him home. Lol


A message in group - Please do not leave the group to go outside s temperature is so high..lol


November '15:

A friend was arguing with me that onion is the only food which gets your tear out.
So I throw a coconut on his face to prove him wrong!

Wife in a mood: I want you to whisper something dirty on me.
Hubby: Your dishes!

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo Bees:)

July:

If girl is with you - Restaurant Bill
If girl is far from you - Mobile bill
If girl is separated from you - Than Bar Bill.
Moral - No Girl - No Bills!

Teacher: What small bee gives you?
Kid: Honey!
Teacher: What small goat gives you?
Kid: Milk!
And what buffalo gives you?
Kid: Home work!

A girl gives a kiss to a baby but left her lipstick spot.
Girl: Oops I am sorry..
Kid: It is ok.. if there are strain while doing something.. strains are good!

March:

Me: Do you have a book for men with small his thing?
Librarian: I don't know if it's in yet.
Me: Yeah that's the one.

Where does a dog search for when it loses his tail?
A retail store.

Curves on women are nice, but curves on final exams are even better.

What are the only kind of trees that grow fingers?
Ummm, Palm trees.

Don't "k" me, you bast....

Rare:

The most annoying moment when you put your status single and your ex likes it!

The past of Eat is ate and the future of ate is weight and the most funny part is that people realize it so too late!

----

Husband on wife's grave.. with a table fan.. crying...
Someone comes and asks - did you love her alot?
Man: Which love? she took a promise that you will re-marry when my graves goes dry - I don't know who stupid put lot of water daily here?

----

Telling lie is Sin for kids, must for bachelors, art for lovers, and the way of living calmly for married couples!



----

Where were you last night? mother shouted!
I was in disc/club, son replied.
Oh my god! I hope you didn't see anything which you should not see.
Son: I seen the thing that I should not see there!
What did you seen>
Dad - he softly uttered...

-----

Early to bed, and early to rise proves that..
..
..
..
...
The person has no internet connection!!!:)

----

Lay to advocate: I want to marry my ex husband again!
Advocate: Why, last month you hot the divorce..
Lady: After divorce, he is very happy and I can not tolerate this at all...

----

Couple got fight!
Wife in anger goes to market, buys poison, eats and after sometime..
She did not die..
Husband: Lot of time, I told you, take care while buying things, money is wasted and work is still incomplete!!

----

Man can be happy in 2 situations: 1st - if unmarried; 2nd - if wife has gone to her mother's home.

Smartness:

Man: If we deposite cheque today, how much wil it take to clear it?
Manager: 3 days
Man: But the other bank is just opposite of your bank, them why so long?
Manager: Sir, we need to follow the procedure. For example, if you die outside of crimination center, you will not directly taken there, you need to be taken to the home first then...
Man: Surprised....

------

Duffer, why do you keep on talking with girls all the time..
Boy: I am very poor, even do not have whatsapp in my cell.

-----

Friend: You have sweet shop, don't you feel like eating?
Him: Yes, I love them, but dad put all sweet counted, so I taste them and put them back..!!

-----

Do you know about 7 important most important Men in a Woman's life? No, then here we go:

One. Mr. Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

Two. Mr. Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

Three. That Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

Four. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

Five. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

Six. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

Sever. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

An Economist beautifully explained two reasons for having two wives:
A - Monopoly should be broken
B- Competition improves the quality of service..
If you have one wife she fights with you, if you have two wives they will fight for you
Feel the difference and decide:
Disclaimer: We are not having such experience and not responsible for any side effects!

------

Adam[man] and Eve[woman] were the first human beings in the world
one fine day eve asked Adam' do you love me'
Adam said 'do i have another choice'

------

Male in the club Orders a Beer..

Female next To Him-
What A Co-incidence, Even I Have Ordered the same..

Man-I'm so Happy.

Female-Me too.

Man-Wat A Coincidence.

Lady-My Husband & I Have Tried 4Yrs For A Baby..
Today I'm Pregnant.

Man-Wat A Co-Incidence.
I Am A Farmer
From 4Yrs My Hens Were Infertile,
Today All Laying Eggs

Lady-Wow How Did That Happen?

Man- I Used A Different Cock.

Lady SMILED, & Said
WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!

------

Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work!
Submitted by Alysia Csengery

------

They asked me Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?
Well, they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

------

To avoid getting entangles with child-labor laws, I have decided to appoint a child as a CEO.

Special ego massage, please!

You are right.. Minimalism did not make any sense to me until I began to bald!

------

The kidnapers of your son sir! He says you've grossly undervalued your company to fix the random amount!

------

Ask.. whatever you want, but don't ask me to walk my talk.

------

Dad – Dear, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son – no way..
Dad - She is the daughter of world's richest man.
Son – then its done.
Then his dad goes to that richest man..
Dad - I want your daughter to marry my son.
Rich man – nope
Dad: He is the COO of world bank.
Rich man – then its done.
Then Dad again goes to president of bank.
He asked – appoint my son the COO of the world bank.
Him – Never
Dad: – He is the son in law of World's richest man.
Him – then its fine.

THIS IS Smartness...!!

------

The only thing our students want to hear from you, sir, is how to engineer jobs in the current market!

*****

Boss:

The virus means business. It wants us to send online secure payment to leave our system.

I chose a wrong mentor - what about you?

The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.

Interpretation: It is true when your boss shares something witty, you must laugh otherwise he might feel insulted and your promotion can be stopped. So whether they are funny or not, everyone laughs at them.

Employee : Boss, you called me?
Boss : Yes, go to home and make love with your wife.
Employee : (After an hour) ,done sir
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : Done again, sir.
Boss : Do it once more
Employee : Now I don't have
stamina for it, sir.
Boss : Very good,here are my car
keys, drop my daughter at home.


Explanation: What a smart and proactive boss. He is so doubtful about his employee or daughter that he makes his worker to tried before sending his daughter with him. But anyhow it was a funny experience. Isn't it?

A pregnant lady asked her Sir if she could have the day off because she wasn't feeling fine. He tells her the only way she is leaving work is if she starts her contractions. So she yells "shouldn't, couldn't, Can't, didn't, won't, wouldn't!"

Driver:

Are you afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.

Interpretation: How witty! This joke tells that we all need company to something daring. They are not suggesting how to avoid suicide but giving you idea to be bus driver because there are hundreds more people who can go heaven/hell to accompany you.

Relationship:
Some relationships are like fat girls. They never workout.Interpretation: This joke shows How complicated some relationships are! It doesn't matter how much efforts you put in to improve, there are always some reasons to fight for. It is just like a fat girl who never takes pain to lose weight.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped the girl?
Wiped his back because she kicks really hard!

One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"

Husband-Wife:

One man went to Dr. for check.
Dr. advised: You need perfect and complete rest. You should have peace of soul. This are some medicine for your wife.
Give her and have some peace of mind.

Wife while beating her husband - Neighbour interrupts
Why are you biting this innocent man?
Wife: Please, he is not innocent. I called him and the other girl replied - The person you are calling is busy on another.."


On Bachelor door name plate - Home Sweet Home
And Married person door nameplate - Oh God - I Pray for Silence.

Girl: It is very tough to have love affair with a person who works in bank.
Man: Why?
Girl: I sent him love letter, he send me back remarks -- "signature different"

-----

Once a sad lady was walking along the beach thinking of the worst state of her life cycle. Her husband asked her for divorce. As she was walking, she tripped over something in the sand. The woman picked the object up revealing a lamp.

The woman rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared before her. "I will grant you three wishes," the genie said "but whatever you wish for your husband will get double."

The woman thought and thought, then made her first wish "I wish for 10 million dollars." POOF! The wished for ten million appears at the woman feet, some distance away 20 million dollars appears at her husbands feet.

The woman thinks again and makes her second wish, "I wish for a pile of diamonds three feet high!" POOF! A pile of diamonds appears at the woman feet, a pile of diamonds six feet high appears at her husband’s feet.

The woman thinks and thinks, ponders and ponders; finally she says to the genie "Now, whatever I wish for my husband gets double?" The genie replies, "That is correct."

She makes her third wish, "I wish for you to scare me half to death!"

----

Wife after drinking Beer asked: Who are you?
Husband: "Are you mad! You don't recognize your husband?
Wife: Addiction makes you forget every sorrow - My dear brother!!

-----

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

Interpretation: How situations or attitudes change after just marriage. Love converts into revenge, closeness converts into ignorance and so on. It is human mentality and we have to accept it while readers enjoy it.

Whenever they ask me why females don't gamble as much as males do?
I just give them a uncommon smart reply: Their total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.

Doctor: Please lie down, I need to check you.
Female: Okay but call the nurse too.
Doctor: Why, you don't have trust in me?
Female: I do, but my husband, who is outside, doesn't have trust in me...

Thing to laugh on: How century changes! Gone those day when husbands used to have blind faith their wives. Now they don't even trust them for a single second and all credit goes to those cheaters females who have made all wives the victim of doubt.

Husband: I am feeling so happy while seeing your friend.
Wife: Yeah, I can see your happiness through your jeans.

Interpretation: Yeah, you must be feeling so funny! But it is true that men are like dogs. Girls always know their weak point and males get excited when they notice beautiful girls. Although your wife can see your intentions through your changed behavior, so be cautious!

---

Once a man questioned his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me any fortune?"

"Dear hubby, I'd have married you... NO Matter who left you a fortune!" She replied softly.

---

Every girl need 4 pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all!

---

One day, little Sam was at the park playing when he saw his dad and aunt walk behind the bushes.
He followed them quietly.
What he saw surprised him a lot. Sam ran home and told his Mother... Guess what I saw today!
"How should I know" Mom replied.
"You know, dad at aunty went into the bushes and aunty took off dad's jacket and then..."
"Stop, it is better you to wait until you daddy gets back to home and we have dinner to finish your story?" mom said.
"Fine" said Sam.
And when they were all having dinner, Sam started..
"and then Dad did to Aunt what Uncle did to Mom while Dad was out...."

---

Husband comes home from a tough time of work and finds his wife laying in front of the fire place with her legs wide open.
He asked, "Dear, what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."


---

"What a pleasant surprise.. You came home early" Wife speaks so gladly.
I was forced to do it. I have to obey what my boss told me to do. He ordered: "GO TO HELL"

---

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.

---

A girl worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A boy never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Waiter:

Customer: This soup tastes funny. Waiter: Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?Interpretation: Some people are really too humorous that they can not stop themselves from making fun without the fear of losing their jobs. That what waiter is doing in above situation. After getting that reply that customer may laugh but chances of getting anger are high. Haha

Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love a little affection a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house that's what it means.Interpretation: How playful! That man must be drunk! What a suspense! Yeah, no wife loves that hubby in that way especially you reach home Late! So better to wash your face and see her face carefully.

It's funny when a girl has the nerve to complain that there are no more good men left.

We are all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I am really crazy for good figure but my heart is in love with food.

How do you know if you are mentally ill?
One in 4 people are. Check 3 friends; if they are OK, you're it!


Jacky: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Selina: Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!

Explanation: Above joke's storyline is misunderstanding. You never know the interest of a girl. Like you, she may also be seeking for some cute girls. That is happens with Jacky when he tries to impress Selina in bar! So next time, take care of this thing before you go ahead.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Interpretation: You must be lucky if you're out for business trips. Real fun is always outside with some crazy ways which, of-course, are hated by your family specially wife. Got it! So send lots of love to your family from out of the town and spend great time with their love and without their interference.

No one cares unless you're pretty or dying.
Interpretation: So hilarious! When a girl is so beautiful and you find her in trouble, how bad you feel and do all the effort to help her. What if an ugly man is in trouble? You ignore. So being pretty is really a good feature and God gift!

It's funny how making odd noises can get you into strange situations sometimes.

Shopkeeper: Stop! you can't smoke here.
Me: But I bought the it from your shop.
Shopkeeper: We also sell condoms but that doesn't mean.. but you don't use them here!

Interpretation: What a witty reply when a customer buys something from their shop and insists of using it on his place. I am sure the user has nothing to say after listening that. But we readers can laugh on this joke and gonna share it with friends. Lol!

Marriage:

Marriage is a great institution but I'm not ready for an institution yet.Interpretation: Marriage is a mandatory thing but it's a big big trap. After this, You can not go anywhere, you can enjoy with your friends, you cannot do anything alone. You have to take trouble with you everywhere. So what if it is a good institution, I am too young to join it. Run.... Haha

Global warming was the reason the name Ivy Blue came into being...just think about it!

Saying you have a headache to get out of things because your to lazy to go.

Please understand that I didn’t do it! Unless I was supposed to do it. Then of course I did it.

Sometimes I feel like I am emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit for a very long time!

Q: What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
A: You can unscrew the light bulb.

When butterflies fall in love do they feel humans in their stomach?

Lady to Radio Jockey: It would be a great help if you call to my husband who left me and took all our three kids with him.
Radio Jockey: Yes, for sure... Its on. You please speak your message.
Lady: Honey, kindly return back two kids because only one of them is yours!!!

The old people used to tell me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, 'Ha ha, You’re next!' So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!

After long argument I say 'It's ok' to shut your ugly mouth.

When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.

This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

Friend: You go to concerts on school nights? Me: No, it's more like I go to school on concert nights.

Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.

Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.

You grow on people, but so does cancer.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to them.

Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

Basic research is what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.

If my jokes offend you: 1) I'm sorry. 2) It won't happen again. 3) 1 & 2 are lies. 4) You're a Bit.

Alcoholic? No, I prefer the term Drinking Enthusiast.

What’s so real about reality TV shows?

At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don't trust women!

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

I like sleeping. It’s like death without the commitment.

Kids and Teenagers

Those 3 magical words which makes every girl happy - I am Sorry!!

Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?
Me: It committed suicide, had too many problems.

My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes!

What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt!

Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Kid: No, he did it all by himself.

Lecturer: Why are you looking at those monkeys outside when I am in the class?

Dear future kids of mine , If I find weed in your room , I will take that shit , and I will smoke it.

I hate it when they’re talking and gum falls out of their mouth.

Teenager girl and fatherOnce, a father of a teenage daughter was concerned because his daughter spend too much time on phone; and nobody else in house could use the that line. So, he got a solution, he had a new telephone line installed for her.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone.Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."

Funniest:

PATIENT:Doctor I Keep thinking i am the moon!
DOCTOR:I cant see you now, come tonight..

submitted by jeffrey

Some years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please, don't let Kevin Bacon die!

I’m in a love triangle with me, myself and I.

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: Because his wife died.

That awkward moment when someone knows you, but you don’t know them.

Once a woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?" she said.
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".

Satire

You buy a wonderful costly phone and imagine.. girls will be impressed and you what you get is get lost!

You study hard whole young life and uneducated ministers earn millions..Who is more smart?

Spending whole life loving a single girl.. Day night think of her and she marries a engineer who looks like a black dog.. You get LOL!

One Liners:

Evening news is when they start off with Good Evening and then proceed to telling you why it isn't.

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!

How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.

Energizer bunny arrested-charged with battery.

What did 0 say to number 8?
Nice belt.

Waiter, waiter! There's a slug in my salad.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know you were a vegetarian.

Take the mast off when you speak to me.

Whats a snail?
A slug with a crash helmet.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

A man walked into a bar.
Ouch.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

What would the lamp say to the man?
Nothing. A lamp is an inanimate object.

I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.

What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.

Overweight:

A lady woman was surprisingly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
Doctor: I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip one day, and repeat this instruction for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.
After 2 weeks, when lady returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 15 pounds.
Doctor: Wow, that’s brilliant! Did you follow my plan?
Lady nodded. I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
Doctor: From hunger, you mean?
Lady: Nope... from skipping!

Ghost:

You always don't look in the bathroom mirror late at night because there might be someone behind you.

Blonde:

Why did the blonde visit the post office 50 times in one day?
Her computer kept saying she has mail.

Save a horse... Ride a cowboy!
- Jay Leno

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champion.

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to Disney World?
She saw a sign saying: "Disney World Left" so she went home.

Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
Because they can't remember the recipe.

Animals:

What to give a sick pig?
Oinkment

What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".

On which day do lions eat people?
Chewsday!

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.

Once a turtle was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks

2 tigers went into a pub and after ordering two beers, took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub owner. So the 2 tigers swapped their sandwiches.

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.

What do you call a camel without any humps?
Humphrey!

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.

A pig's favorite ballet?
Swine Lake

Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don't work.

Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Thief

Once a thief enter in a home and finds a note on locker - "Please don't break the lock, Just push the button and it will open easily.
So he does the same But after doing that - Police arrives!
Thief Shouts: There is no value of Honesty!

Once a husband said his credit card was stolen but he made his mind to not to go for F.I.R. because that thief was spending less than his spouse used to!

How do you keep people from stealing your bagels?
Put lox on them.

Ladies

2 ladies were fighting for a seat in metro on man suggested: Whoever is older should take the seat.
than..... both seat remained free. :)

The average fight between men lasts 5 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 11 years.

I am looking for a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.

Crazy:

Height of positiveness: As a buy comes out from his home, a bird flies by and shits on his head. Guess how this guy reacts? "Oh, my goodness, Thanks God! ELEPHANTS DON'T FLY!"

Den: My souse went for horse-riding to lose weight. Lost 6kg!!
Jay: Hard work pays!
Den: No! She didn't but that horse lost the weight!

Man: Hey little kid! Why are you running? Do you know who am I?
Crazy Kid: Lol, When you even don't know who you are, how can I?

On Wives:

Husband buys a mouth fresher for wife.
Wife: Why you don't buy for you.
Husband: I remain silent anyways.

teacher: Name two animals that live in a cold region?
student: A polar bear and his wife

Wife is like a god's prasad (fruit), you have to eat it without making any complaint.

Wife: I heard that men get angels in heave and what women get?
Man: God only listens to those who are needy!

Lady: People say that in heaven Man and woman can not live together!
Male: Yes, that is why it is known as heave!

why does traffic stop when old people smile,
because their teeth are so yellow.

For voting you age should be 18 but for marriage you must be 21, why?
Wise man replies: Because government knows that taking care of the wife is bigger task than taking care of nation.

You can read top 100 short jokes written in this humorous blog to have more and more laughter.